I need advice about discloser...
Something has been troubling as of late and I need to tap the wisdom here at MS for some guidance. It's the issue of disclosure, confrontation, and my family. I love my family to death. They've physically provided me with everything that I've needed but this secret is rapidly becoming a road block for me.
Many of you know my story but for those of you who do not I will briefly summarize it. When I was 5 my older sister use to "experiment" with me and in subsequent years many more boundaries were crossed. Up until very recently I always thought of it as mere experimentation. It was very difficult to view it for what it really was because I enjoyed it and to some extent it's socially acceptable for an older female to engage in inappropriate acts with younger males.
Compounding this issue is my family and the emotionally repressed environment that they fostered. It's an environment where one isn't suppose to have problems and where one certainly doesn't speak about your problems. The shame and the guilt, the tools locking me in place, have really kept me from developing in any normal way. I quickly learned to bottle up my feelings and especially feelings evolving around sex. Above all you did not talk about that taboo. The combination of the SA at 5 years old and the resulting bottling up emotions have left me trapped where I still feel like I am still 5 years old. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I became cognizant that my sexuality was in shambles. And it took a fairly severe mental crisis to do so.
After I finished college last year I moved home 1) to get me life back on track and 2) because I was incapable to moving on with myself. Things have gone incredibly well for me as of late. Beginning last fall I began to tell my story to all of my close friends. As I told each and everyone of them the veil of guilt that I placed on myself was slowly lifted. It felt very liberating. I could talk about my feelings and it was okay. I could now grow in ways that I never was able to do before.
Now the question at hand: I was always hoping that I would never have to tell my family that I have this problem. Telling them would be against the family protocol. But I have begun to realize that without telling them something I will always be locked in this emotionally stunted state, at least in my relationship with them. In some way I need to disclose to them that I do indeed have a problem and that it has caused me a lot of distress. I do not think I can tell them about my sister. Relations are already strained with her and I do not want to jeopardize the relationships with her two children. It also makes me incredibly uncomfortable to tell them that I have a lot of sexual confusion going on inside of me. But something has go to come out and I do not know how to tell them that. I believe I need the validation from them to continue my emotional development. It's a bit of a pickle.
I don't know when I will try and bring this up with them but I need to start thinking about it. I appreciate all of your support and feedback.
Thanks,
Mike
Many of you know my story but for those of you who do not I will briefly summarize it. When I was 5 my older sister use to "experiment" with me and in subsequent years many more boundaries were crossed. Up until very recently I always thought of it as mere experimentation. It was very difficult to view it for what it really was because I enjoyed it and to some extent it's socially acceptable for an older female to engage in inappropriate acts with younger males.
Compounding this issue is my family and the emotionally repressed environment that they fostered. It's an environment where one isn't suppose to have problems and where one certainly doesn't speak about your problems. The shame and the guilt, the tools locking me in place, have really kept me from developing in any normal way. I quickly learned to bottle up my feelings and especially feelings evolving around sex. Above all you did not talk about that taboo. The combination of the SA at 5 years old and the resulting bottling up emotions have left me trapped where I still feel like I am still 5 years old. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I became cognizant that my sexuality was in shambles. And it took a fairly severe mental crisis to do so.
After I finished college last year I moved home 1) to get me life back on track and 2) because I was incapable to moving on with myself. Things have gone incredibly well for me as of late. Beginning last fall I began to tell my story to all of my close friends. As I told each and everyone of them the veil of guilt that I placed on myself was slowly lifted. It felt very liberating. I could talk about my feelings and it was okay. I could now grow in ways that I never was able to do before.
Now the question at hand: I was always hoping that I would never have to tell my family that I have this problem. Telling them would be against the family protocol. But I have begun to realize that without telling them something I will always be locked in this emotionally stunted state, at least in my relationship with them. In some way I need to disclose to them that I do indeed have a problem and that it has caused me a lot of distress. I do not think I can tell them about my sister. Relations are already strained with her and I do not want to jeopardize the relationships with her two children. It also makes me incredibly uncomfortable to tell them that I have a lot of sexual confusion going on inside of me. But something has go to come out and I do not know how to tell them that. I believe I need the validation from them to continue my emotional development. It's a bit of a pickle.
I don't know when I will try and bring this up with them but I need to start thinking about it. I appreciate all of your support and feedback.
Thanks,
Mike
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