I need ... --A Therapy Homework Assignment

[ForeverFighting]

My therapist says I'm too hard on myself. Let's see, he also said I'm the perfect codependent, I equate sanity with being a saint (perfection), I expect everyone to sprint in life because I do, and I believe that if I allow myself to receive anything from someone they will leave me. All in all, it should have been pretty much a bummer of a session, but it wasn't. He's right. I give and give and give, but I don't allow myself to feel any satisfaction in anything. So I drain dry and believe innately that I'm flawed, that I must give in order to keep relationships. I have to fill everybody else's needs in order to be a good person. That's highly unrealistic and frustrating.

So I asked for homework, and he said all I have to do is make a list of the things I need (excluding "control"). But I'm finding this list very difficult.

I need...

• Time for me. One day to not take care of somebody else or worry about someone else. One day when I get to do something that's fun for me. One day without having to look out the blinds to see if the plumber is here yet. One day when I'm not supposed to be calling somebody about something. One day where I don't have to fight for something. One day when I don't have to even think that I should be working from home. One day completely and utterly off. A week would be nice. Or better yet, regularly scheduled times throughout the year.
• Freedom to be me. I feel like I'm always being watched by my boss, by my friends. Like I'm waiting to get in trouble for doing something. I need to give myself the freedom to not have to live up to other people's expectations all the time. I need the freedom to be imperfect. Like if I make a little mistake, to blow it off instead of hiding in my closet waiting for the beating.
• I need to be able to say No. No, I don't want to lend you money. No, I don't want to pick you up and take you with me. No, I don't want to fix dinner. No I don't want to watch Animal Cops Deluth. No, I don't like that song. No, I think that movie was stupid. No, I don't want to join your circus. I want to like the people I like and not like the people I don't like. And No, I don't want to pretend that was funny. I want the internal power and strength to not need everybody's approval.
• I need love. This is the one that gets me into trouble. I need unconditional love. More accurately, I need to be able to let unconditional love in. My wife loves me. We have friends that love me. But I know the truth about me, that inside there's nothing good, and I don't care what they think they see; it's not true. If the people who "love" me knew about my difficulties with porn or how much anger I feel toward people or how selfish I really am, they'd all leave me. I'd hurt their feelings. I can't help but hurt people's feelings. It's who I am. So maybe more appropriately, I need to accept myself. Which I cannot do, because I know my problems, and they're unforgivable.
• I need to forgive myself for feeling and acting in ways my toxic family taught me. I need to remember it's not my fault.

I don't know what I need.

 

[roadrunner]

FF,

Can I add two that I find important?

1. I need to ASK for what I need. Last year a mod here helped me with this one, and what a difference it made. Before I worked on this, if my needs weren't being met I would fall into self-deprecation ("never mind, I didn't deserve that anyway") or sullen anger ("that is so shitty of you to do/not do that").

2. I need to cope with my past but focus on the present. I have to come to terms with what was done to me years ago, but I will never be able to change that. I become empowered ONLY when I stay in the present and ask myself how I can deal with my FEELINGS about the past.

I like the way you end bro. If only it were all so simple as making a list and following it!

Much love,
Larry