I need a friend

Fear Is a Liar

That's it for tonight. I just need a friend. All of my friends are friendly, but everything is superficial, formal. My best friend lives in another state. He knows my story, but the distance is far. It's hard to meet new people, and even harder to develop good friendships. I think it's from years and years of putting up emotional walls. It's hard to trust people. It's hard to stay safe. I just need a friend.


I get it. A lot of people talk with me at one time or another throughout the week or in the neighborhood.....but call just to say hello? That hasn't happened in a few years. Yes, it is lonely out there.
My experience here is a bit like attending 12 Step meetings in the sense that at meetings the conversation is deep and honest. Granted, the focus is on the addiction being addressed but with that limitation the exchanges are very real. Here the conversations go very deep as well, but we're talking about material that goes to the bottom of our soul as human beings. How do we heal from life shattering trauma? I've spoken about things here I've never said to ANYONE in my life. Yes, I've touched on it, sort of Cliff Notes with my therapists and my fourth wife, but I haven't unpacked it all anywhere but here. Perhaps we can only tolerate so much of that honesty, intimacy. After all, we go to therapy for fifty minutes once a week and are with our material by ourselves the rest of the time. This wonderful website is a place I visit two or three times a day, but the nature of this communication is there are spaces left open between exchanges. I know Chat is more intimate but I've yet to feel drawn to that. Perhaps if we were all attending a Weekend of Recovery the kind of friendship you talk about would be possible. That was one reason I hoped to attend one of those events this autumn and am disappointed I couldn't work out the details. But absent that, the safeguards put legitimately in place make it difficult to make contact with other men who spend time here. So we're tantalizingly close to friendship but it seems the best we can have is camaraderie at a distance. That's not a bad thing. It is much better than anything I've had with men before... and I certainly plan on coming back... but it would be wonderful if I had a friend who has lived with sexual trauma who would really know, as men here do, how horrific it can be to live with its residue. I haven't met that man...
I hear what you are saying about friends. Some of mine are pretty superficial, a few are close, but only 1 knows my entire story and I can talk to him about anything, even though he is not a survivor himself. That is quite refreshing.

Here you will find men who will understand you as no others can. Our circumstances may have differed, but we all share the same thing in common: We were abused.

I have a few close friends here too, even though it is not IRL.