Thank you Don64 and Victor.
I do think something is amiss with me. I literally grew up thinking I was retarded or autistic. Because I couldn't make sense of really basic things. I still can't.
I can't connect with people. I can assign that to the fact that I am unusual in the case that I am angry for ever being born at all. My mother intentionally wanted a disabled/crippled baby. She wanted to be needed, and she wanted to have a being that needed her forever. So she had sex with a developmentally disabled guy, who also had crossed eyes. I was born with her hearing loss and his crossed eyes, and whatever else the hell was wrong with him. The dr. believed he was retarded in some way, that he would never learn how to walk.
Of course I'm angry for being born. A 19 year old terrified girl manipulated a situation in order to have a disabled baby. She got her disabled baby. That disabled baby was severely neglected, tormented by his peers in grade school, and psychologically warped to the nth degree by a long term sexual relationship with a cousin 4 years older.
I was angry for being born and angry for being born with disabilities when I was 5. I clearly distinctly remember this. I clearly distcintly remember thinking that "God" and the universe had betrayed me, and must have hated me for having to live through the shitty childhood that I had. At 11, I knew I had a tremendous problem, and started reading and asking for help and asking questions. Praying. I begged and pleaded. No help came. Instead, puberty kicked into high gear, and can you imagine the TERROR I felt when I realized that I was also attracted to guys (what a disgusting creature I was turning into).
By the time I was 19, I had come to terms with my sexuality, but was deeply ashamed of my hearing loss, and my crossed eyes, and the weird mark above my lip. People made fun of me for so many years. I felt completely disillusioned, disembodied from the human experience. I certainly was NOT having a human experience.
Now, at 42, I now see that I might have lived about 5% of what a human is capable of living. With regards to friendships, intimacy, and the level of communication that happens when people are in a close knit relationship. The feelings that apparently evolve and come out of those types of connections. I have *NEVER* had this.
While I might not be retarded, my life IS. I simply can't connect with another human being on this planet. I am alone. I am angry for being born, angry for being born with disabilities.
Victor, I appreciate your sentiment and your words, but I simply don't agree. A 19 year old girl made a terrible mistake, and I am the result. I don't feel the universe coddling me, and I don't feel the universe nursing me. I've had to fight tooth and nail to get where i am today, and I have nothing to show for it. What I do believe is that the universe is chaotic, and in the chaos, life arose to try and create order in the chaos. My life is just another life form participating in this grand life experiment, but my particular life process has been a huge disappointment. There are people born on this planet with severe deformities and disabilities and have a disappointing life experience because of them. There are babies in the Congo that have their limbs amputated because their mother offended someone. This is the hard truth of this planet. My particular life experience feels like a mistake, a toss away. Like many of the babies and lives tossed away so flippantly on this planet. Heh. Maybe it's a miracle I'm even alive. Heh. Whatever the case, I'm depressed and life sucks because I can't connect with anyone.
I have now worked for 2 years straight on letting go of this anger. I find myself still angry. After prayer. Meditation. Exercise, all the stuff I described above, and soooo much more. I'm still angry. It is carried in the cells of my body.
I have a physical symptom that I've been aware of for almost 20 years now. My left butt cheek clenches of its own accord. It's in a permanent state of being clenched. I am not aware of it until I focus my attention on it, and then I am able to tell the butt muscle to relax. I can feel it relax on command. But as soon as my attention is turned towards something else, that butt check is clenched again.
This tells me that at least, in part, this anger is literally being carried by my body, and no amount of psychoanalysis or awareness will alleviate this. I can't always be aware of my body, and I can't always be aware of my left butt cheek. I have to put my awareness on things like trying to see and hear because I have severe hearing loss, and because I lack depth perception. It's impossible for me to have awareness of all.
So I'm still stuck with this fucked up quandary. I've never heard of another person being angry for simply being born. I've never heard of another person being angry for being born with disabilities. And those who are born with disabilities are allauded for their ability to "overcome" their disability. What about those who are not able to overcome their disability? Are they simply forgotten? Do they also become angry monsters? The rate of drug addiction and alcoholism among people who are disabled is frighteningly high. And yes, I have struggled with relying on substances to numb my feelings. Because every other effort I've taken to address this since I was 11 years old has resulted in nothing changing.
I still am angry. I still can't make friends. I still am lonely, and I still am depressed. Something is wrong with me.
