I met me again aged 11 for the first time

[tbkkfile]

Hi all

I met with my T yesterday and we sat there talking and quite innocently he asked what colour my hair was back when I was 11 "brown" I said (I'm pretty grey now) wow I was blond he said pointing to his bald head (laughs), "how tall were you" he said, this went on for a while and after a few more questions I'd built up a picture of me back then (at this point I had no idea where it was going) he then said "Imagine the 11 year old you is standing there what would you say to him"

For 44 years I'd never connected with the me that was, he'd been locked away, never seen the light of day. I'm struggling to describe how I felt when I saw him standing there looking at me lost and alone, a momentous moment, a major milestone on this road that I'm on, empowering, an overwhelming sense of love and wanting to protect him, keep him safe, sadly the most that I could do was give him a hug, he smiled back at me, I couldn't vocalise my feelings at that point in time, I still can't, the words I've written can't explain how I felt, how I feel now.

But me and little me work for the day that we can give back to the others what is theirs and does not (and never did) belong to us.

 

[justplainme]

Nice of you to share. Blessings.

 

[sorryson]

My counselor talks about one day connecting me with the boy that was hurt. I hope when my time comes I can feel love toward him.

Your words give me hope.

 

[traveler]

tbkkfile - that is beautiful. i am so glad for you.

i had a similar experience - triggered by unexpectedly finding an old photo. it was a profound and significant moment. i now carry a marble in my pocket to remind me of my younger self - to consider him and treat him with the kindness and respect that he deserved and never got.

keep on connecting with your little self - you will "both" benefit and heal together more readily than on your own.

and sorryson - i wish for you the same kind of experience. i had previously felt nothing but contempt and rejection for my younger self (he was 13)- until we "met" - and then i was able to feel compassion and love and acceptance - as i would have for any other child. there IS hope for you.

LEE

 

[roninsteve]

Profound isn't it.
That moment when you realize that you were an innocent and powerless child and deserved nothing of the pain you received.
now together you can work on fixing the gap between you and supporting each other through the rest of the process.

 

[NoSimpleMachine]

Wonderful story Reconnecting with my abuse-aged self was one of the first places my therapist took me too and it was very helpful. I feel very empowered these days when I realize he and I are one, share this headspace, but it's my role to give him safe harbor and help him feel comfortable and reconnect with him

 

[kcinohio]

Sounds like a healing session for you. Great work.

 

[learning2remember]

I haven't done anything quite like that, but I have thought about my younger self, and I have a photo, etc. I have a tendency, even though I "know better" to partially blame myself. When I think of him, though, the young me, I know he's not to blame at all. It's odd.

It sounds like you had a good experience, even if hard to describe. I'm glad you shared it.

 

[Rustam]

That is a beautiful and positive post, a real milestone, congratulations.
Sounds like the therapy is going well.

 

[gettingstronger]

Hi tbkkfile,

Congratulations. A milestone indeed!

I only recently found out about that lost little boy wandering around out there. Meeting him, hugging him to me, and crying over what was done to him was just an amazing experience. What's been even better, though, is the process of helping him heal, building him up as a person, and just loving him.

Our first meeting involved me clutching him, laying on the floor, and beating my fists against the floor. I had to let out the unbelievable anger I was carrying over how such a wonderful little boy was so badly damaged. I still cry from time to time! He was (is) a smart, wonderful, friendly, sunny little boy who just got crushed by many, many things, not the least of which was years of molestation. When I was no longer screaming at the top of my lungs (at long last,) I could calm down, just hold him (a pillow) and tell him how much I love him and that now he's safe.

We're spending time going over the things that happened, and I'm letting him tell the story. As his "dad," I can't go back and make things un-happen, but we can talk about it. As we talk about each thing and I share my love and counsel, he's beginning to understand that (a) absolutely none of the numerous things that happened were his fault, (b) I know how badly damaged he is, and (c) he's not going to be abandoned in his pain any more-- I'm here now, and together, we're going to work through all these things. He's far stronger than he realizes, and one of my jobs is to help him make the best of this strength of which he is so unaware.

I think of myself as a really loving dad who came back from leave. I thought things were going well while I was away, but it turns out this little boy needs a lot of work!

We now spend as much time together as we can, which often is during odd hours. We started by talking about what happened with some neighbors, who virtually destroyed his sexuality, his self-esteem, his respect for his body, and anything related to the female body in one fell swoop. He understands that they turned something that was innocent and entirely non-sexual into a sexual act and then severely criminalized it. He was far and away too young to know anything of sex. He knows that they, not he, were the sick ones and he did nothing wrong.

I've also stepped in at his school over several issues he was having, and I've gone to the door of his bully (accompanied by him, of course) and we're straightening that whole mess out. His sister has been threatened with death if she continues to make fun of him beyond what is acceptable for siblings that age, and I've had long talks with his mother about her abnormal/pathological demands on him, as well as her severe control issues.

In short, I'm being the dad he always needed. I'm helping him become the man I know he can be, instead of grinding him into the dirt and causing him to hate me and himself in equal parts. We have a long way to go, but when I see him now, still as young as when I so recently met him, he's already radically changed.

I can't wait to see what the future will bring.

Bob

 

[tbkkfile]

Hi Bob, you're post made me cry, I can see so many similarities on our journey.

Since my first meeting with him what's hit me is finally understanding that it wasn't my fault, seeing him there and realising that it wasn't a little me filled with 56 years of experience but was in a fact an innocent 11 year old with no knowledge of the world, a boy who who starved of love, alone, a Father who took no interest in his life and a Mother who was more interested in telling her son the gory details of her latest boyfriend bedding techniques than to listen to her son.

I haven't as yet helped him confront his perps, he knows that one is dead, his Father is also dead so in a way closure is difficult, and his Mother is now 87 so I think closure will occer when she dies as he doesn't want to confront her, he say's whats the point.

Thanks again to all of you

David

 

[don64]

Hi David,

I find as I am able to work back to the feeling level of my early damage--ages 0-3 1/2 mostly, and again at age 8, probably--it's more me holding my damaged places in love and safety so they can recover from the trauma and grow anew. It's more a process of me rescuing me, and allowing that early me to grow and experience all the maturity and knowledge I have now. I then find myself reclaiming and re-growing all the damaged me(s), from 0-65. It feels good. As I continue to heal and evolve, all of me does. So, it's kinda like allowing all my earlier versions the opportunity to absorb the rest of me, AFTER I have demonstrated some ability to provide safety for myself. And, the process continues, as I continue to refine myself.

I'm not interested in confronting my abusers. That's their journey. I don't need any resolution with them, only with and for myself. I've had all the experience with them I need to. I did, and may still do, need to do a lot of rage work to release pent up and stored rage. But again, I have no interest in bringing their energy back into my life. I'm real clear I'm releasing my rage, and not releasing rage at them. I figure releasing rage out into the world invites rage back to me. Not interested.

Don

 

[KMCINVA]

I remember fighting the child. My T and doctor said I needed to embrace him. I had fought long and hard to bury the abuse and unknowingly buried a part of me. I also buried the emotions of the abuse and what that part of me felt. I learned that child wanted love and all I did to bury the child made that part of me see the abuser as love. I learned burying part of oneself can be self abusive. I had no clue I was doing the to myself. Ad I explored myself and the abuse I realized part of me felt special to the abuser. All that part of me wanted was love and I deprived part of me love.

I finally opened up the wounds. I had an internal battle as I began to recognize the child. It took time and a lot of pain and hurt. We finally met. Cold at first and slowly I realized I was not whole. I came to accept this part of me was not responsible for the abuse. I had blamed myself for decades. This guilt, denial of self wreaked havoc on the mind with nightmares flashbacks sleep walking dissociation and some physical conditions. Well I now understand and accept the child within. A long battel to get here. But I now have respect for all of me.

 

[KMCINVA]

I remember fighting the child. My T and doctor said I needed to embrace him. I had fought long and hard to bury the abuse and unknowingly buried a part of me. I also buried the emotions of the abuse and what that part of me felt. I learned that child wanted love and all I did to bury the child made that part of me see the abuser as love. I learned burying part of oneself can be self abusive. I had no clue I was doing the to myself. As I explored myself and the abuse I realized part of me felt special to the abuser. All that part of me wanted was love and I deprived part of me love.

I finally opened up the wounds. I had an internal battle as I began to recognize the child. It took time and a lot of pain and hurt. We finally met. Cold at first and slowly I realized I was not whole. I came to accept this part of me was not responsible for the abuse. I had blamed myself for decades. This guilt, denial of self wreaked havoc on the mind with nightmares flashbacks sleep walking dissociation and some physical conditions. Well I now understand and accept the child within. A long battle to get here. But I now have respect for all of me.

 

[pufferfish]

I've had a major problem with loss of me. I think that abuse I experienced when I was 12 and 13 was aimed at making me lose my sense of self, or what little of it I had then. They wanted to mold me into a different person, one of their own choosing, and very different from my real self. I think what I had is depersonalization disorder.

Some things that have helped me are:
1. Talking out problems regularly with a therapist. A good therapist will be able to hear me and reflect answers which will guide me into who I am.

2. Collecting pictures of myself as a kid, and reading old letters from that time.

3. Watching movies which resonate on who I'm to be. Not all movies are good. One must be selective. But when I found some movies that seem to click for me and I find myself saying, Yes, there I am, Yes, that was how I would have acted, and Yes, that's right, then I'm growing in my self understanding.

One of my favorites is a movie based on a novel by Grisham, it's called A Painted House. In that, the boy faced situations which I also faced. I found that watching it helped to unravel for me who I am (and was).
movies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqSU9vyBdsM

Another one that helped me was:
Education of Little Tree
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119052/

I have a list of perhaps a dozen movies which similarly helped me. I have previously posted this list and I can find it if anybody asks me to.

Puffer