I May Be An Oyster But I Won't Clam Up!

[Wuamei]

Why do some oysters make pearls while others don't? Are the oysters that make pearls better or more normal? Is something wrong with the oysters that don't make pearls?

Actually, something is "wrong" with the oysters that do make pearls!

Tho hard-shelled on the outside, oysters are soft
& sensitive on the inside.

When a grain of sand or piece of broken shell gets
inside the oyster's hard shell, it irritates & hurts the tender oyster.

To stop the pain, the oyster begins to secrete layer after layer of a liquid that hardens around it.

The end result is a beautiful & very solid pearl!

Pearls that cannot be made by "normal" oysters that don't have the "irritants" that the "abused" & pearl-producing oysters have.

Right now, men, I feel like an irritated oyster!

I've opened up this hardened shell I'd had around my life all these years, in order to let the world
in, and let in the reality of my CSA I'd clamped in & clammed up about for so many years.

Now all of these damned grains of the sands of the
times of my abusive childhood have poured in on me
along with those of my current "accident-al" grains I'm having to swallow.

It hurts like hell on earth!

However, as I look back on human history, and look
at the shining pearl examples all around me, I know that by & large the people that bring the most beauty, goodness & strength to this world, whether in ways noticed or unnoticed by the world at large, are those people who have had some sand kicked in their faces on life's beaches!

Irritating, painful sand has gotten into their shells! But they have created some truly artful, beautiful & powerful pearls around their problems, to shine for all who will to see!

Apparently I've still got some pearl-making & some
shining to do. I'm trying to tell myself that's not such a bad thing, even thru all the pain.

Did I ask for all this pain? NOT!

Since I have all this pain, will I cover it with the pearl-making liquid of vitality & recovery?

I hope so. I'm trying.

That is after all what survivors do, and what it takes to thrive.

And I've had way too much of being a victim.

So if I seem to be "gathering my shell around me" at times, I'm just trying to cover this pain & make some pearls out of it.

Don't worry I won't "clam up!"

Or maybe that's what's got you worried...

Victor

 

[tone]

The thing is man, that all oysters make pearls, some have bigger grains of sand some smaller but in the end it's only a matter of how much and what kind you need to cover the irritant to make you numb the pain that matters.
hang in there buddy.
tone

 

[Wuamei]

Thanks Tone.

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones that gets to make a great big real genuine pearl!

But I know I'm not alone.

Victor

 

[RickL]

To me it's not just about numbing pain. The act of making a pearl is that you turn the irritant, the hardship, the setback, the tough hand you've been dealt, into something beautiful, unique, and lasting. I do believe that people who have been through adversity and have grown from it, have a certain depth and character that is more than the average person.

Tonight I went to my son's 12th birthday party. It was at his mom's, my former wife's, house. My son's uncle and aunt were there as well. We were all helping out with a group of 8 boys, all 11 or 12. Phew! And I realized while there, I felt a little like I was 12 again. Only instead of being joyously boisterous, and getting right in on the fun, I was quiet, and on the outside looking in. That feeling of being on the outside looking in was so strong, and it took me right back to my childhood.

My son's party was a resounding success. But I drove back to my house alone, and that painful, isolated, lonely feeling of being on the outside looking in has not left me. It creates in me a low level, yet deeply ingrained sadness that's hard to shake. When I feel this kind of sadness, it makes me want to go to the internet and look at nude bodies, which is not a good thing for me to do.

OK, men, anyone else experience this? How can I turn this into a pearl?

Rick

 

[guy43]

V,
You're already a shining pearl here at MS.

V & R,

My T sez... (damn, i hate saying that) - the only way past the emotional pain is to go through it. I'm doing it and it ain't no fun at all.

R,

Only instead of being joyously boisterous, and getting right in on the fun, I was quiet, and on the outside looking in. That feeling of being on the outside looking in was so strong, and it took me right back to my childhood.

This has been my life, looking in from the outside; feeling like i didn't even know who i was.

But I drove back to my house alone, and that painful, isolated, lonely feeling of being on the outside looking in has not left me. It creates in me a low level, yet deeply ingrained sadness that's hard to shake. When I feel this kind of sadness, it makes me want to go to the internet and look at nude bodies, which is not a good thing for me to do.

i can't imagine what it must have felt like to be at your son's party and not be able to enjoy it.

how much of your distress is due to your current loss of family versus old pain from the past?
Separating the two... which ever one is on the top of the pile is where you start, i'd imagine it's more your current situation exasberated by the old.

Back to the last quote. Can I relate to this? oh boy, can i. if i'm ever in a place where i can safely write about what i'm doing with my T and the EMDR, i could write reams about the sadness, and the acting out. the only safe place for me to go deep into the pain is at the office so to speak (my T's). it's so real and goes so far back to my beginnings that a) i don't even have the words to describe it and b) if do more that this beating around the bush, e.g. go into the pain, it feels so unsafe to me cuz i feel (not think) that i'd go completely off the deep end and go suicidely out of control.

an odd thought is coming to this vast and airy desert i call my mind (this only applies to emotional pain, physical pain is a whole 'nuther ballgame) - it's only pain.

our lot in life has given us so much to deal with. so maybe rather than fight it and deny it and try to mask or hide from it, maybe accepting it for what it is, is part of the answer?

the pain hurts us, prevents us from finding and keeping happiness, but in the end it's still only a feeling. we have choices we can make about how we think about the feelings that exist within us. i can't change the feeling(s) but i can make a choice about how much a particular feeling will lord over my life and what i do.

jer

 

[Wuamei]

My son's party was a resounding success. But I drove back to my house alone, and that painful, isolated, lonely feeling of being on the outside looking in has not left me. It creates in me a low level, yet deeply ingrained sadness that's hard to shake. When I feel this kind of sadness, it makes me want to go to the internet and look at nude bodies, which is not a good thing for me to do.

OK, men, anyone else experience this? How can I turn this into a pearl?

Rick I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know it is a sick empty feeling. Lonely even in a room full of people. Lonely when you leave alone. Lonely even with loved ones around. Lonely...

My problem sometimes is in the pain of one irritant I let another in and have no energy for pearl-making. So I guess I would say something I don't always practice well: don't let in any more irritants. If net surfing for nude bodies is an irritant ("not a good thing for me to do") find ways to avoid it. Yes as you know I know that's easier said than done ). The more irritants I let get in to me the more I isolate & the more lonely I feel.

Rick, remember you're never alone, brother...


Victor

 

[Wuamei]

V,
You're already a shining pearl here at MS.

Jer, thanks; you're a gem too, bro!

V & R,

My T sez... (damn, i hate saying that) - the only way past the emotional pain is to go through it. I'm doing it and it ain't no fun at all.

Ditto! Damn it hurts!

Where do those T's get off, being right so much?!

our lot in life has given us so much to deal with. so maybe rather than fight it and deny it and try to mask or hide from it, maybe accepting it for what it is, is part of the answer?

the pain hurts us, prevents us from finding and keeping happiness, but in the end it's still only a feeling. we have choices we can make about how we think about the feelings that exist within us. i can't change the feeling(s) but i can make a choice about how much a particular feeling will lord over my life and what i do.

jer

Wise words, bro. Makes a lot of sense. Thanks.

Victor

 

[guy43]

when i say "my T sezs" I feel like an altered reality version of the old american express commercial "do you know me". Or the "my broker sez..." commercial.

only this one goes something like:
"do you know my T? i can't be held responsible cuz i carry the american T card. don't leave home without it".

"my T sez...." and everyone here goes screaming off to la la land... not again... not again. ha.

jer

 

[RickL]

Jer,

It was very perceptive when you noted:

how much of your distress is due to your current loss of family versus old pain from the past?
Separating the two... which ever one is on the top of the pile is where you start, i'd imagine it's more your current situation exasberated by the old.

Yes, there is that feeling of loss of the marriage and family. And I need to prepare myself that it will cause me some grieving when I go back into a situation that can trigger this. And yes, being back at her house, where my son lives most of the time, it was like I was an intruder. Strange and painful feeling.

My life is not a bad one. My issues of grief and pain are not out there in front. Rather, they are like a low level of "hum" on the line. Enough to cause emptiness and lonliness, but probably not noticable to the casual observer. Yet, it has the effect of making my life feel like a perpetual cloudy day.

I find I have to be pro-active to shake this. For example, today I called one friend, and I'm about to ride my bike and stop in on some others. This doesn't cure that "hum" but it lowers the volume of it.

Victor, you're right about not looking to something as a solution or relief that will only be another irritant. BTW, I avoided the internet last night--just gotta watch that H.A.L.T.

Jer & Victor, thank you both for your thoughts.

Rick

 

[rax]

I would like to echo Victor's comments.

All oyesters 'can' make pearls (i.e. all humans can survive the pain of CSA), yet in nature(not artificial pearl-culture farms), only a few go through the pain.

another analogy is that of a diamond.

A diamond is something that is purer than gold, stronger than any metal, clearer than water, more precious than money and more beautiful than a rose. It is something that is forever.

Any piece of carbon has the capability of becoming a diamond, yet only a few do.

Why is a diamond so rare and precious and strong and beautiful?
Because at its birth, during its creation, it undergoes immense heat from the fires of the earth, and tremendous pressure as it is pushed, towards the surface. It is then that carbon crystallizes to form perfection in the word.

regards,
rax.

 

[ernie]

Rick, we are all pearls in the rough. We got cut short of maturity by sick people. The lonelness is awful, I have been seperated for 3 years from my wife and has torn up my family beyond words. It is devestating to go "home". An outsider...yes. But (hate that word) there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel. In one way or another, we all find the strength to get through it and find a better way. It may take us twice as long as someone else but it is possible. Seek the pearl in you, your self esteem, your pride, your truthfulness in telling the world I was abused will all help this pearl develop. In the mean time, there are people here that are in the same ocean seeking to develop into that beautiful thing we were deprived of. Take care, stay strong.
Bob