i love you

[Sterling]

I didn't geat you. you said I was bad. not my voice
that is your vioece voice. my brian doesn't work properly.
I f li lookat wholly shit.
one word and then another. idont want to take from anyone. you bozna are gy. I mean I must be . but yu ah, it doesn't matter she isn't here and she is always a coward as long as my dad doesn't have to feel responsible. that is why I am angry. he sits there reading t his newspaper. my mom .don't t.v.. I didn't want to listen to them they would tell me shit over andover .sometimes I trhoughts I was going to act out on what billy would want. I thought I was good. but they would change things. and I think they had billy feel responsible . red blanket. I hated that thing. I hted that they convinced me that billy was special ., ?
I am stuck in different places. grade 4 billy ran at summer. when she was running I kept spacing out. nobody would ever approach me. nobody. cared. I see him smiling like he is stronger. I remember him leaving me. all the time.
I remember a flood on fox bay. I remember my dad in his boots . I felt like I wa taking picutes. and g I feel billis mom grabbingmy hair asking me or shouting "who are you.
mymom . then I see my mom washing my brother hair.
he had lice when he was a kid. he hung ut with this kid who had it.
"go to school and tell them that your brother cant come ." when I left I blanked out. I don't remember them. I dotn ever
rembe. 1983. I remember my mo would take a picture of our first day of school. . I remember I didn't know what personality
I was. and my brother didn't like me very much. and I spaced out.op why . would he force me to shutup? smial doesn't know. and she will never know. I feel ike her dad wiped cu from my lip. you are my by!
he would say this. all the time. and my dad the coward ,does nothing . where are the mean people
"write there 1983, 1982.
"DOT DONT ." BOZNA SMACKS ME , EVERY
AND THEN BLZGOJ. LSUGHS
HE HURRY HURRY GORNA.
I FEEL A BOOT KICK NMEHARD ON THE AS.
"faggot!!" MY UNCLE. THEN I SEE MY GRANDMAL "YOU BETTER LISTEN TO HIM".
YOU CALL THIS A COUNTRY? THIS IS PRIDE FUCK THE KIDS AND TREAT THEM LIKE SHIT.
AND THEN GOROW UP YOU HAVE TO BE PROUD OPF MACEDONAI. FUCK YOU!
sorry the caps were on w/o me be aware.
this this this. this. I don't have to lok at the scree. I can go and learn somw new words. ans ask for help with English.
and that is enough. I hate my relatiohsship ...well no it is just
I have to eat. but for them and human has to eat lieterally.<
I got really fat for them. and I hated everything for billie. billie is pretty hey goran?
my dad doesn't do anything. my mom today will try to take away what I say aboutmy dad.
how I can live in southern onatrio.
I am always in a hurry. typing . even now. it took a while to allow in deep breathes.
anyway. iam tired. I don't know I but I do need love. I don't want women to like me.
Y.
no more I just don't want to have gran as my dad. I am not you karil. you see face. iwill buy you something.
that is how he did. it. I hate this.
I the them I am too lucky malesurvivor lets me do this. I haven't given I a y money .
I wish I wasn't so broke. so mentally anguishing. no money and so much pain. and I have all these thuoghts , pain. wanting to leave. sad that I have to leave. leave who?
suddenly I feel like I have been having this conversation si with my dad but y brother talks. goran. he always would say my name with disappointment. like I wanted to do whatever billi ew wanted me to do.
I see bozna`s face in lifted! yea I will do this tro goran goran will pay form y misery! andmy husbands. whle my mom would sma smack me like I make shit up! itell don't want to see billie vagina. I hate her. I have this name this fucking name I hs goran. hate my fuckingname.
if I changed it what would that do. there isn't like change and if I didn't likei t change back. I have no cash nayway.. I am feeling stressed anxios . I look out the window gorgous day and I am feeling hungry. but not! you can eat for them. you like bilie you eatr you and zoran. I don't need to. also my friend maria am iangry at her. yes.
but why. I dotn like it that she plays u dumb! she dows it yet her family isn't so perfect but she would do anything to fight for ever.
it doesn't have to. I don't have to liv love her. she isntmy mom. by the way goran you are gay and you be honest. nobody can love you or love me if I don't love myself. my feelings of anger towar d her might be
isabout me. not her. she andi aren't here together. I needed a dad. really bad!
and she needs a mom . we are terrible for each iother. I always force to go as af far as I can meanwhile wh she tr tries to find ways to buouild her self-estesm by me. she is smart in an unhealthy way.
and I hate it th at she reminds meof my dad.
that is mw why why cahnti have healthy relatioshiops.
and this bus dreiver I don't know if ishoud as k him for coffee , I cant even afford coffee. now from last night what if he . why is this
don't look at me blagoj you ar em metnal. I would love to hold you pens detached from you body and shove it in you r mouth inrffront my da and your mom fat piece of crap!
ihope you arll get fat!
I got to go.
I am tired.
thanks MS!

xo to all.
Goran

 

[Nothing Man]

Hi Goran.

Letting it all out like you do must be cathartic. I hope you keep doing this. Vent and get rid of the poison!

Mike

 

[Sterling]

yea, you have no idea how it helps when people like you
write supportive like .
I really need that. I know we all need help. I wish
I could do more.

if I look at men. I will need men. but if I look at me
and then I am me. I if I like me then do I have to be you?
do I support them. or zoran. I don't want to watch guys
have sex. but what if you like that goran? what if I
I want to be a girl dad? what if I wait . bhe
she woant to me to like billie she wantd me to have some sick mind. and I have no idea or way of letting go. I keep
seeing you sad karil. what kind of father lets his son hate
himself. and I hated everything about me. suicide is
frightening. I want to see you and but same time I hate the
thought of seeing you. your woman is dumb. I hate
this. goran has to move on someone. I hate responsibility.
I ahte it.

 

[Sterling]

ihave this idea to help m but I need lh help people . no
they wouldn't I odn don't e want you . here
I o don't want voices insde sin ind inside enimore.
I don't want to gy gay. you man am make shit up.
door. foc fox bay.
and billy never has to be alone with her dad . if your goran
comes over. I can only want . I am not allowed to have a life. you put this on me. I get scared of woman. I get scared of living. and I don't own you! I am not special. you want special go start telling your friends.
my testicles hurt b/of this this. I have to faith in
movies. movie is real I am not! movies bring reality
I ??? don't like you dad. and I don't want to hate
you. or wn anyone. but you did sick shit.
my thoughts is me. not you! don't ruin a boy`s life!
especially your own. you let me live according to billies
rules! I had to force my body away . I had to eat for them.
and your wife hated me! and hs she still thinks and prefers to let things be I bn have no way of seeing o you.
I am not your wife and not your son! you even pushed me
. hw when all I did was love you you turned on me.
this is very damaging to my thoughts. I had no one!
if it wasn't for the internet. I would be in jail .
the good is. that I made some great friends and believe
in me . you don't do this! you trust your
family. I am not calling you ever. I have tired of
seeing you depressed and feel responsible for everyone!
nobody should ever feel responsible for me. not here
on malesurvivor o not anywhere on the web. no more.
don't bring anymore children until you have walked into your
shame and trust your self that you have no one ; . ?
goran isn't here for you to feel accepted and to hand me over
to different idiots! my brain should and will develop.
I deserve freedom . freedom , choosing to be a boy!
and you can allow billie in you. I don't want and never have. go to your parents. how don't know. but if you
still believe that you are actually a nice guy. well.
you are fooling your own psyche. you created a way,
very weakly. to tell me your suicide emotions. to
throw them into my body and my brain. schizophrenia,
psychosis to whatever is not special. this is beyond mental. and I need to forget you. never see you in my
thoughts ever. challenging. yep! but need to.
let go and not let you in. ever!
goodbye.
G

 

[victor-victim]

 

[Sterling]

thanks Victor-Victim.
I really like what you do here. Your humor.
I know EVERYONE ELSE has amazing gifts .
I like you. maybe I just wish I had a dad like you.

at least you guys are my brothers!
and I need not ask for more!!!

 

[Sterling]

I don't want to look like a man b/c bekaz
I am
slap quit telling me that I am gay.
everyone hates him.
everyone hates me. yesterday anyway.
I cant win over porn I t is . them or for me.
but I cant nave hve a dk dick!
bozna.
the lesbian you who will never be honest.
no honest to go . I have no home.
maybe Macedonia wasn't so great. I would will never
ask anyone to hate themselves and hate anyone for me.
never! but what the fuck did you think of ?
I don't want to be you! I never want to be you!
I hate you so much!!!

g

 

[Sterling]

I had bought some Cream cheese. " bring it BACK! you don't
want....
zoran s " i hate you! why cant ou be a man?"

meri`s mom . " my mo is bozna my mom is bozna.

my aunt woud teach me this. my dad did and does nothing. i ate her garbage food. she wanted my mom to not be liked!
and i turned into everything they wanted and needed. i hate
my self for being me. and loved nothing b/c of me .
i and . when i teach myself to hate myself. everyone suffers. i hate this. but i don't want to leave.
i want to be of help to men. hope i get my anger out.
i would never advise someone to over exercise. 5 years
out of work. no friendships , i like this girl
Livia. but she works at a gov`t office and my therapist said
to me in the past that that wouldn't be right. to date her.
her ass is much nicer than mine. and so i get to make this
cake and bought cream cheese. it is a BIG deal b/c it hates
me. they (bilies mom and dad. everyone) hates me.
and i did everything to be wanted! and this food doesn't
feel right. i should just throw it out! i hate my father.
what a joke! i hope i never look at him in the eye.
even my mom i see myself only shaking her hand.
i will never walk in their home in Collingwood.
And my brother . aah. not much of 1 . fu ck em!
what a shitty time. i hate tlet. letting go.
i hate th that i have no one but living in the jungle.
creativity. singing. reading. loving myself.
loving the guys on here. needing to feel , needing to
see myself. maybe i should look in the mirror more and
say good things about me. got to go.
G-Man.

 

[petercorbett]

My fraternal Canadian brother,

Don't go hating yourself. Young Goran isn't to blame for those unspeakable things done to him.
He did what he needed to survive things being done to him that he couldn't comprehend, understsnd or have any control over.

For some ones emotional, mental, physical & sexual pleasure, they surely destroyed any chance of that boy ever having a real life. It will take that young boy the rest of his life to come to terms within him self.
I believe that those actions against him sort of pre-programed him in a way that he would live the rest of his life.

My Canadian brother, be proud of yourself. Be proud of what ever your sexuality may be.

As an incest victim & feel & understand your pains, fears & anxities.

You were and still are a loving human being.
Keep venting, let those long suppressed feelings & emotions out. It for sure hurts us as we try and become a true survivor on our road to completely set us free.

You are not alone my Canadian fraternal brother/friend.

Wishing you some peace & serenity in your life.
Take care & heal well my brother, G. Heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

 

[Sterling]

thanks PeterCorbett , very heartfelt!
love you!

Goran

 

[Sterling]

I had a terrible tiem.
"what happened?
not much. I feel like my dad didn't let me be. let me live.
I feel so ashamed.
I know I did nothing. but how can my dad do that?
and I have a lot of rage. I iwsh to blow up but on them.
but I feel like he would laugh at me everytime I wanted to stand up.
and then my cousin laughs. they did this all the time.
I focus bud.
at I hate that I have to live. yea, I feel suicidal.
but it not from now. nobody here in the library or at the gym
I feel bad. my brother isn't much of a brother.
I feel like I am going to die.
(don't want attention).
it is him. he should feel bad. why should I feel anything. normal. you r husband isn't normal.
spit on him and them. you aren't my mom and I wont see you.
forget it. I give up on loving you! I wont love you anymomre.
I deserve better than this. I need tomove. but I have to work and pay my healing. it is so tiring that I have nooone.
I wont ask that girtl out. she is a receptionist and my T saysit isn't a good idea to date someon in th e or a government office.
she is beautiful. she may not even like me.
my right nut is stressed . it hjurtsw my aunt would always hurt me. she molested me too. she would swing her breasts at me
and then smack me calling me a bad boy. who has this. . when my dad let's do this to goran. that is what bilie and meri said. my dad isn't her.
I feel like a weak. that is what my aunt needed. someone to take the responsibility oever her
and they messed my minid. I hate them. I wish I had a buddy here.
oh well. fid myself. I guess. someone I hate it wheni am in my apartment and I neeed to explode.
I don't like the punching bag.
I hate ti that I only make it thru eating. I alawsy plan on eating.
make sure goran eats. make sure. stupid listens to his brother. and his prents.
garbage family. it is difficult b/c I know I have to let this go somehow.
I hate myself for letting this get to me .
but it is so easy. I just need so much. love.
loving myself shit my typing sticnk right now.
I am no longer looking only on the screen. I have to listen to my mind slowly.
cant force myself to be loved. have to ear n I t.
and lonely. and shit. I think lonely and the the movie cujo comes in.
I hate this. not a moive guy that fo r sure.
I wish I could play sports. I would love it.
friggin may is coming andi don't know how long w I will be like this.
shit.
needing to get this out.
I wish icoul punch them. they pull my pants down. and my dad laughs with em. and then looks at me
like you say anything wil kill you@! fuckin shit.
that is what you and your kids are obese grandma. fucked crap!
got to g I can do this all day!
men are better than billie. f'n lez!

 

[victor-victim]

sometimes I feel like I am going to die.
(but I don't want attention).
sometimes I feel like I wish I could die.
(but I don't want to hurt myself).

 

[Sterling]

thanks Sir Vic!!

Gee.

 

[Sterling]

last night. Apollo 18. "don't want to"
don't want to what?
touch you. then I wake-up in los angeles.

yea. boring. horror. if I spell penis. if I like
it. then I turn into gay. if I am gay.
then gay. but I don't want to be bad. bad is gay.
according to????
billiy. fox fire. I hate her. I don't like to hate.
anything.
but. I google things to be inspire me. movie clips.
I didn't know who my mom was. orm my
dad would never let me. this this this.
when my mom and bro went to Europe it was all fun.
not . was no. fun . no. I don't want to see you.
smila doesn't believe . I hate looking at people.
I do hide. I run. I watched too much porn as a kid.
too heavy. now I don't know. maybe I needed a dad.
yea. that is true. I flirted with men here.
and now I needed a dad. . lonely.
lonely and get angry. angry turn to feelings of loss
of parents , never had! so I desperately need family.
I go to people and do allow , and accept that they are not
to hurt me. they didn't hurt me. my aunt.
garbage! "klinic crisis line"....
"hey I am just wondering when I get to die ? " no that is
not what I say. I do understand and realize that I have
limitations. I run to live. I want it. I want
to feel loved. don't we all? change my dad.
change me . change. trust me. I can trust.
I can trust me. I don't ever have to see them.
I don't know you mom , smila. live your life and I have
to live mine. and cut! print!!
that was brutal! yea. this isn't movie.
this is true. I don't know how to trust. I .
infectious to be good. it is amazing how people love
people who are nice, sincere and loyal! learning to live
and feel , breathing in and living without them. no longer
here. they can live themselves. don't need them.
they can lie. they don't ruin me , anymore. it takes
a while. I love that these guys don't hate me or reject me.
they believe BELIEVE ME| (deserve caps) Believe me
I thank Anita Unruh for telling me I have potential.
Wish I could see her. it would be heavy.
I love people who help people. Who believe that everyone
is worthy! no more stealing!!!
rack em up! play a game of pool. return to innocence!!
love,
Goran

 

[Sterling]

GIVING MYSELF THERAPY. PLEASE DONT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY!


okay i have 13 minutes.
h why did i type this that. i wanted to type and did i
dont want to spell your name.
and then . even thou all porn is blocked at a library terminal where i am. i found pics of gay sex. it doesnt do
anything. i love it or it. it feels some snack. e if i have sex with my uncle i h can have a snack later. i have to
be a good boy. this really sucks. i dont know who to talk
tor if i off. my balls arents boys balls right asshole aunt?!
loser. i would never do this to anyone. i hate this!
i want to look like that.
goran you wont hav a penis. i am not alowed
cavemen. i am attracted to shelly long! i like women.
why cant he come and take me. movie and movie. what
is realy? i have to eat. your billy cant eat right
dumbass? how you can live and think and breathe that shit your mom and dad taught you, i dont get it.
i hate make-belief ( SORRY!!!!)
I HATE it that i have to be a girl and meri gets to have a free personality switch. she isnt gay , oh no. see my
dad smiling like this is so much fun . goran wont remember let us erase everything and change his life into a girl. girl everything . put makeup on him and clothes that are for girls. theat wont mess my mind up.
fuckin garbage!!! hate to you only. assholes
start watching i forget where i am.

 

[victor-victim]

i hope that every drop of pain you feel today - as you rip these words out of your soul and throw them out at the world - is one less drop you have to drink tomorrow.

i hope that the pain i feel as i absorb your anguish, is pain that is leaving your body FOREVER!!

keep spewing until you start renewing!

until then... [font:Impact][size:26pt]LET IT RIP![/size][/font]

i hate make-belief.

keep it real, and keep it coming.
get it all out of your system!
leave it here, forever.

 

[Sterling]

don't like. them. where are you? I felt me.
I feel my self becoming someone that wasn't me.
Trust was very difficult . I know I have a lot to work.
And I know that I am not responsible for him and every one.
I like that Hollywood gave me a family , temporary.
I didn't know who my dad was. even now I feel
empathy that he could not get love. He used me to get
attention from his mom. He new they had to have someone.
And my dad.

didn't love me. he couldn't he is very scared.
I don't know who to talk. . you don't know your
dad. that is not right !
my mom shouldn't have to been put thru that shit!

love you,
Take care
G

 

[Nothing Man]

Keep it up, Goran.

 

[Sterling]

thank you so much!
Tomorrow morning I am going to my doctor. I plan to
have him see me naked. Which is so frightening.
for me.
I never knew my sex. so I don't think I can analyze this.
I am very afraid.
Anyway,
back to job-shopping!

Love ya guys,
G

 

[Sterling]

then I want to do this. I want to have a girlfriend.
But he kept me shut-up. I had nothing food.
over and over. and I am regressed to little kid.
And I am scared about tomorrow. I even see myself eating
-like away from me. my dad did some very rotten stuff.
"don't. "he smacks.
I see my aunt`s smile. I hope I get a job. I have to
for let them to die. put them in the dryer on HIGH HEAT!
"goran we are sorry ( boom boom) ...we are sorry!"
"fuck you! enjoy your day in the dryer. and you creep uncle can shit now on your kids and join them in !.
sounded funnier in my head.
I just want. My friend Roger just popped to say hello.
Ah, nice guy!
Anyway, yea so blow BIG farts billy, send mommy a letter
" mom I am gay. and... smack!!!
yea. she beats me. What a loser!!
how will I see this doctor. son-of-a.....
billy gets fights. "she isn't so great hey mom" ??
yea...go love her...
watching. song "crying" by Roy Orbison and K.D. Lang.
why di I watch miyy. why I dnt watch them?
grandparents are crap from you town. I have to be
a dti wont , wait to live.
wont wiat to want things. goran. bloom
o don't know him. don't remember you.
crap.
useful not.