i love you

[Sterling]

i cant see him . then i cant see him. i dont want hime to die. . then ther is bilie she has to have it all cunt. i hate her. and then stuid loves her. jealous? not. but. i do , needed my real mom. i was confused , all my life i felt i k like i had no parents. so i am an orphan. proud of it!
i dont want to need him. i dont know if i want to see him. part of me wants to. but then i wonder do i ?
then there is that fuk'n cunt . what if she think something
like she should come in to this town where my folks are at...
she visited stupid a couple times...I cant have that bitch
see me.
MY mouth watered after seeing a woman almost expose her vagina.
which is ...feels right. if its with the same sex I don't
mind if its right.


he needs a fuckin dad.
sorry for swearing.
now what , run to him
"oh I am sorry...that I had to rape you kiril.
this was all my fault. why am I here?
what to do? w ined. you family.
mayb e you need money. why do you act like you
know everything,?
I am s;adlkfjkldf;fjasd;f sadf angy. pissed.

i don't hav to go. i am confused.
why them? why does he care a more about that cunt?
why?
i am tsi primaleed it all.
I hav no home . but I do.
I just don't want to eat. and yet I have to.
I eat sl;dkfja;lj;fklasdff
sdfskl;adfjsdfkl;jsadfsdf
ksdljfdkl; I dfkl sdj cant
see mdy mother. ;sdklfja
y.

 

[Tom E.]

Sterling,
Who is bilie?

 

[Sterling]

dumb couisin.
she is a murderer.
she co-conspired my abuse.
m her parents taught me to hate.
life, and everyone.
she can wonder,,, she knows her dad is gay.
and my brother , father , mother really approve
of her.
I come later.
I am grateful , that you are kind to ask.
I need to write some more...
thanks again Tom.
I really appreciate this.

 

[Sterling]

i am so glad i ddid that. what ? i went up to a guy in a library , he isnt gay. i thought he was. i was eyeing him a few times. i am so messed up. i know i must like men. which is great . its jus that my sperm donor wont accept stuff. like what ? like that is brtoter is gay. my abuse happened long before i couild speak so ...this is really heavy for me. i have to do this bit by bit. i cant stress myself. i do miss that guy. or i think about him. i just wish i c had friends , as a kid. i really stopped mentally as early as i could remember. i am gay. but i hate looking at that word i am scared. i e feel alone , not all the time. i dont know who to share this with. i know i am making friends , this is very
my mind just , interrupted.
I know now that men , or not all men want sex.
important to know.
and even this guy who I thought wanted , nd doesn't.
I am growing. I never had pre xxx for a girl.
I hate much of this.
I hate it , that I never could speak only
being smacked and laughed at and called stupid.
great childhood! ??
I want to punch them out.

I am tired. l why do I think about him?
I don't want to embarrass myself.
I want to learn to make friends before
sex.
I am working at it though.
I am getting better.

 

[Sterling]

getting better. weird i swear this guy had it in for me. this is great! so not everyone likes me or needs me. In your face their bitches . i am not special! go home cunt! (sorry to the women. for the c word. ) i like it. now...slow down and be!!!!

 

[Sterling]

i needed a friend. not bilies mom beating ths shit out of me . what a lose you are. youwill never be my dad. neer nver nver

 

[Tom E.]

Sterling --- I'm your friend, others at this site are too. No one is going to beat you or abuse you in any way ever again. Right?

 

[Sterling]

yea. thanks Tom.

klklkljlk;jjkl;ljk;;j;lkl;jkjkljl;kljk;
kl;l;dljk;jlkjlkjkolkjkl;

tapping keys. lkjlkjjklk;jlk;jkjlkj;lkj;
jlk;jklklddddflkj;dsfljksdf

 

[Sterling]

i feel like an asshole , thanks a lot Tom i really
thank you.
i didnt know anything.
i couldnt hold it together.
i am lonely.
i am scared of sex.
thanks. again.

 

[Tom E.]

You ain't no asshole, you know a lot, you can hold it together, you got buddies here, and as far as sex is concerned, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. As people have told me,
don't "should" on yourself.

 

[Sterling]

Thanks Tom.
I want to get laid. I know its going to be
w/ a guy.
I have never ...I have never loved myself.
its so hard to do this.
I also feel ashamed. And I don't know why.
I know my sperm donor's sister in law
beat the shit out of me.
I douldnt speak , o r I was bang.
always getting in this. I didn't ask for this.
I just wanted my mom and brother.
I was doing my shit on the way to a gov't office.
I really don't want him in my. I don't want to be
afraid of life. enimore.
I spell differing. soeey. but I dut don't
understand . I feel like they are inside as I am sayihgn
this. they are such disguting people.
I am sor soes. don't know my thoughts are here they
acome out. my body is in their palce . and I have
hard time honest. cuase of this. I don't know who to
toak tol. I have my therpasits , very blessed.
my sex. I need to know me. get to know me.
I get ugly. I am scared. I feel I want to give in w/
a guy. but I don't want a guy near my junk.
I feel mutiliated down there. I have no one to share this
with. my mom had to beat me. I turned in to this
disugint kid. . my grandparetns helped theotthes oth
oiut
my brothe. I had to dchange eimmedin a I was terried
of my brain. they kept tell ing me . ????
I feel like I had a sex change. seriously.
other guys have it together. mentally.
I have to always give it to be ing and idiot.
thye didn't want their dad being stupid.
I rembmer freak would look at me. while I could spek.
I needed my cousing I didn't want this. I never
got to have my gender g stuff. my spem doron
doreestn want to feel rspsonsible.
I get stressed b/c I want to sseee my mom. and I feel
worrid b/c I say stuff like " if he died. " I don't mind
but how I can I feel accountable for their thougts ?
this is such heavy stuff. I don't know anyone.
I don't know who to get to know me. I don't want to b put
pressure on anyone. as for gropus , I don't get acceptcd.
1. I am good at reading people. at ew what they need.
I learned this by insight . but the af faciliateres don't
like this.
I have been to mankind project meeijntgs.
they have this where. one man will pick who he wants to
facilitate / help me wi/ his issues.
I have noticed they play therapists. like fxing
my ego isn't hrere. I see this is damaging.
When the person who is sitting in , really isn't doing
much benefit. hard to explain.
I am needed of love. I need o love. I deserve it.
I just am afrid to go look for it. or find it.
I don't know if I wilil be a good person to that person.
I let myself lose. I don't know me. it is so frieghtening.
I have ;adksjf;sdjkf;jkff;kjlf
thanks for caring Tom ( & others).
I love when people laugh. I hate it that my mind
goes to chocolate ;asdlkjf;sadlfjk df
I don't know who to take care of them. they
hated me. they hated themselves. and stupid sperm donor
put 300 mucks in my account. I asked my mom "DONT TELL HIM.
GET BEOTHER AND YOU DO IT!)
I wanted it for to stay at a hostel/hotel where my mom lives.
Stupid wantd to forget everyitng. I don't know
maybe he has gay stuff. I noticed somethings he soenst
like thi his culture. he doesn't! But , he needs to feel
loved. validate. so he has to do this shit.
menahwile I haveent seen my mother.
I feel like I haven't seen anyone.
I feel like I havenet expereicned my gender. this is sooo
f'n huge. I don't know who tto go to.
wish these groups can see. ' this guys needs to connect w/
other guys w/ this shit. let him in!!!
but . that's how it is.
I hate living where I live.
but b/c my injuries I am afraid of losing a coupld perkjs
where ilive.
sorry abou tmy spelling I cant eve n see the screen clearly
...it must be hard to want to read my stuff.
I don't know love. and everyone hated me.
true. they can lie. they lie and lie.
;sdkjfs;fjksf;klajf;afjk
have head enough
and I am tired of not talking.
;asdjkf;sjkf

 

[Sterling]

I hate hearing kids cry.
I think bilie knows here dad is gay.
and I have to eat so bo nobody can hear me cry.
isn't that something?
fucnt. that all ibeile is a greedy cunt like the m all.
what do I get. fucking virginity at 42. a;sdlkjfl;sf
asdfakljfa;fkljf;ka sfd;kl no friends.

I wanted my mom. I wanted to cry. . that.

I felt like he just looked at me.. I just want to run over to her.

I just am a scared. I don't want him. its not hatred.

its . my health. my life. I don't want him. I get worried

when I talk to myself I and I say things like " I want t o you die.".

I am slowing being aware that I don't react to women sexually, but

when I see a man (not every man) ...I deifinitley want some.

I never got close to anyone. esp. a man.

I woman kissed me a little aggressive some years ago.

I think I am not trusting. I am keep thiking of them. w hat they wanted,

who they wanted. their minds into mine.

Very disgusting. meanwhile my mother tells me lately her legs are bad.

I want to help her. how. ? cant be done. I would love to.

and then that that aht you is your son.

bozna did shit my dad didn't care. he didn't want to.

I don't know my this wi t. s;dlkjfl;a frust anger o idnt

want to eat your shit. you are not vocisa I don't want to eat.

I don't wat alchold. I dolt co ops. I dtlel them what happend

I am feeling I am rushing , huryt to sie can see her.

they wouldtn let me get s close . shit family.

you will never see me again.

I hate this. hw don't let me talk. I had some such time with this.

I don't remver everything. I need some group. to go to.

nobody willi accept me
want a dad. I that I s what I want I am so cik of this.

I dotn wnk fsd;fakjfdfkalj;a sd;flkajdf;alsdfkljas;l

gay straign I don't care I just wated a dad. how the fuck

ti si is this right to hate a kid sooooooooooooooooo

fuckin much. to keep this gwi a . I have my right to tell whomeeve

you piece of shit. I am not you. shame on you! you brothe and all of you

my mom suffers and suffers tyou poiece of shit I hopw you are very lonely

very very lonely
stuid idiot. I couldn't talk. and then you hit me.
and they hit me and then I have to say
no. my mom is crap. no mom is shit. no and I laugh at her.
age 1 karl. age 1. I haven't greown into me.i haven't
not ahd anyotng but food. alcohol s cigerates.
sho you arnot my dad. no oway;
I hope ther is away wher I get you and your bilie
to suffe.r lonely afraid of thinking of afa
of youerself s every fucking day
I hope you eat and aeat eat eat ae eat

 

[Sterling]

feels good hey karl wo who is the bad mmomy ?
bozna is . yea. but you need me to eat and shut up.
I hope I remember rever everything and I hope I can
do something sjust to shut uyp you up
infront of you r wife.
not bozna.
c that sno tmy mom. she never wa.
you iopeie odf fhist I ohop
god buck you up!!!!!!!

 

[Sterling]

I don't get it... last night I went to a gay strip bar. a different one.

And ...I didn't do anything. I was glad I went.

When I left I told the guy at the door , I liked his bulge.

And I asked him if I could touch it.

He asked me to text him.

I never did. I feel pissed off. at the moment.

I think my sperm donor has stuff. and that s when I don't remember

stuff. I don't think I am at birth. and I am afraid

B/c I keep thinking , or I have conversations at times in my mind involving talking to Ty .

Of course he doesn't know me. NObody does, really.

I was at a cash out at a dollarama earlier and I started liking the girl.

I was going to go for it further - flirting.

WTF ? I don't get it.

Then I immediately shut off. I felt confused ...

( was I not gay last night ? what am I doing?

What if this woman hits me? if I were to admire my intention, to ask her more attention.)

I am trying . I am afraid, I am writing a letter to Francis , I wont tell her about this.

I am just annoyed. I a don't get what I am doing. I think. my little guy is fuk'n stomped on

...that physically I couldn't be me. my sperm donor would rather me be a girl.

I am so screwed. I feel strongly about moving out of my place.

I wish I could leave in a couple weeks.
I am I just gay. type type type typedic doent ahd the bigne dick.

h has bigger dick I have to eacme him and suck his thing.

an kant walk away .
I t hink of gay pride o I

feel like I have to look like them.

girls . I am confused what a man is a n what a omwn woman is

I ladcked my thing. I was tur touch meth his bpie dick.

I can turn tell breathe I am wororied. could talk don't eat

don't w eat ..

 

[Sterling]

I hate you. I don't like hating .
but I can say I really don't like you.
I feel sorry that you have no where to go.
so I allow myself to hate me . as;dlkjfad
fajk;lfjafk;l

 

[Sterling]

you guys ever have a bromance ?
what is it like to love a guy ?

 

[Sterling]

I don't want to live w/ o you.
you are gay. you flirt w/ me.
I don't know you.
you take . SCEA. eyl. I DONT KNOW you.
please go tbnat you anynmore
gofd pela iono want dfasdkl;jsdfkl;ja
want tio be indepentdtnt I don't wan t hemcish
sotkt tkl;dk;d
no more shwna. please don't dotn sont take mo I know
your smart pleas don't take anymore.
I know I like me. I know you like you. but don't
take anymore. got to find your way. I know you are not
in therapy, but I worked really hard. I just want to be
good to everyone. no more. no more.
just babbling kay.? . sorry.
thanks.

 

[Tom E.]

Hang in there my friend! It doesn't matter if you are attracted to both sexes. Just be friendly & talk to people, say Hi. No agenda.
If someone comes on to you, and you don't want a physical relationship, you have a right to say NO, no thank you, not at this time. Be good to yourself.

 

[Sterling]

Right on Tom ! Thanks.

 

[Sterling]

Its gay pride month and I am volunteering.

I am just rolling w/ it.

I don't know. Sometimes I have attraction to men.

2 B honest. I like men. but I don't know if I want more ...

I don't know what happened really.

All I know is I was at there house and suddenly I am .

poof.! he would look at me. scared me .

and I turned into them. that's the problem.

so I cant be asking anyone to do this....and I have their

anger, their rage. this shit. is

;sdjkf;ajfk;fkjl