i love you

[Sterling]

type my brain.
my interest in.
and psychology.
travel.
then. ??
feel - if karl loves his neice
then I am not putting me into forgiveness.
if I forgive will it make things easier?
I wont eat for him and them.
they want me to eat.
I hate food. I need to sleep.
I wish I had a bed.
I want to get this bed BUT have no one to bring it
upstairs.
Don't want to see porn.
I have an issue with my dad.
He makes me watch him work.
I always had to be good for bilie.
and I never had a dad.
and If I look hungry
it is b/c me .
feeling
this is so fucking hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
?? livia. good.
pretty.
and like her ass.
check.
I am not at F.A.C.E.S. anymore. and b/c I don't have
a friend to talk to.
porn will be there.
but I don't want that. I never
wanted penises!
trust me goran you need us.
says meri and billie
you need us.
if they repeated this. how do I get it go back.
how do I write this.
that is where you tlk. slap me.
don't hit me bozna.
you gay.
youre a piece of shit not goran!
tricycle and crap.
I don't know who my mom is.
I don't know what will happen to billie.
he waits for me
waits until I finish eating.
when I finish having food he sucks me off
or he sucks me
hit s me.
he hits me all the time.
he put his penis in and I couldn't scream.
I had to watch him fuck me.
how the dith happen .how did he get me feel like I was
doing this to me?
this is not killing this is absolutely evil!
you don't tell a dik. kid this.
you don't fuck up my thoughts . and you!
you w should stop this.
you watched him to . . d then kitchen table.
and I have to forget ...it never happened.
my butt!
and they. bilie is happy
zoran dnot there. but zoran is a issue .
I have to fix others.
why do I have to occupy with my thinking by going to a place
and have others feel bad? .
others shouldn't feel bad or feel responsible for you and
you cunts!
I need love and deserve to be free.
I don't know what I am doing with my life.
you are a terrible father.
why don't they call you a fag.
...you need your mom and dad karol.
you need them.
waste your life.
bridges.
I wanted to jump off bridges.
that is why I had panic attacks walking through them.
I love this...........I love myself
and I work hard on loving others.
But I have to watch I don't turn into YOU! or him
and her. I hope nobody can look at you.
I cant take bilile problems.
goran isn't mad. he is even. what the hell?
it was on a t-shirt when I was a kid.
I was very not good. I was spoiled to
them. my mom didn't care.
bozna shay says don't tell .
you know what we will do to if you tell anyone blajos is
gay.
he didn't do anything.
billy says.
that is why I can never see my aunt and uncle.
never wanted too.
you are a wimp karol
you are freaky.
so I cont don't continue liking you.
I don't need to support myself by eating pie and to stop
loving you. I don't need food.
well not exactly 100% .
I don't want to see your family.
and don't want to see you.
smila can live w/o me.
she is better than you freaks.
fake fake fake.
work .
plan everything.
I need a dad and mom.
I don't want to tell anyone to be with me.
loneliness is sick. it makes me feel needy
and clingy. word is to bad
o don't need to tell anyone that billie is gay.
or her dad is gay.
and bozna cant strike at me.
that. she can hit my self. hit my mom. bozna is
sick she hates smila. she will get anyone to hate smila
too.
zoran says mom has to forgive them.
where the fuck did this tool come from?
dick.
I hope you get really fat zoran you and your dad.
I don't like you.
I hate family.
and I need. how do I cry
I can cry.
I can feel
billie wants it all and will do anything to get everyone
to have her.
sickness. no different from countries.
love love me do.
I know I don't know you.
you are a loser bille. not . never want to see you.
you suck.
... goran is good.
goran is good goran is good.
goran is good.
don't want to see your penis billie.
an you live with you fuck p
I am not good.
goran is . ???
widotn wont give fellatio.
not panning.
don't .
need
children
to take care
of this.
no one is looking after this.
no one
how d he get
this . 1982. 1983
I hope you suffer
for ever
family
not goran's
not me.
no way.

h8t.
gmn

 

[Sterling]

sometimes.
I cant ever see my dumb father.
you are a shitty dad who is waiting for mommy and dad to
say "you are such a good boy kiril."
and I shouldn't be your surrogate parent.
my brain will not work for you.
I will not feel bad mom. Your husband is very sick.
He needs help. And shame on you for not listening to me.
He wouldn't let me talk. Who does that to their own kid?
Not a normal person. I needed love and safety!
You are sick in another way. And you don't see that they
all use you to be pissed off for them!
You don't owe him or his family anything.
I would love it if my body heals up very soon and I get work
and I follow through and move somewhere and find some new
friends and love.
I know I deserve this. You didn't love me mom.
You try to give him everything. He doesn't deserve it.
Not if he is using me to protect his parents and his brother
and horrifying sister-in-law.
I give in to never visiting Collingwood, Ontario.
What a shitty brother to not even call or email me.
How can you not want to say....."Goran I want to know what
happened to you. If dad molested you , please leave that
out ...but I am sorry for calling you a fat pig!
And making sounds when you walk. I am sorry.
I never hear anything.
I hear me saying all this for you guys.
I want to see my nieces and nephew. I want to walk around
and love the air and see people.
I guess Winnipeg will have to do.
I don't love you Kiril. and I never will
I don't know who did what...but you are very munipilative.
And to tell me and others how great your village is and
to put this fake exterior ....says you are weak!
And I wont let myself be your son.
I never want to hear the word dad n your family.
You are garbage.
I wish I could see myself without you and mom.
I want my life. And will do everything I can to be an
even better guy to everyone.
Some things are great mom....but you have to say goodbye.
G

 

[Sterling]

i am tired of .
how can you want to be my bofy brain.
you don't own anyone kiril.
I get to get a job.
I don't want to think about you. anymore.
your wife is a cunt!
I will never see you kiril.
I wont.
and zoran could call and say "I am sorry. sorry for calling
you..
I hate all of you!
now you can fuck billly and meri.
I hate this.
I hate using people.
for life.
and happiness.
I wish I could see you.
and not .. see your woman bozna.
you are very weak kiril.
I hope I spit on you when you die.
I do.
and then you and meri can eat lots of pizza and everything
else.
fucked garbage.
that is all you are.
not your son!
never
I hope you die with fear and loneliness!
Goran

 

[Sterling]

know I am gay.
I hate the word gay.
why do they .
I would like nothing more than to fucken beat you up
daddyo.
you are an moron!
you ruind it for you!!!1
not me loser.
I hate this shit.
don't know where I am going.
whant tnatdddsj;lsaf;sdlfj;ldsfjs
oo.
Goran

 

[Sterling]

hi.
had this thought of buying my brother a wpg jets jersey.
my folks a restaurant gift card.
STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
Yea, I need new runners and don't know how to get the money.
I might ask my case-coordinator if , may be I will
speak to her supervisor and ask them if I could pay them
in payments. Or my foot-doctor.
I want to play baseball I ....see this image in Thompson.
And every time I seen my brother and his friends play I was
just so empty.
Dieing to get to feel like a man.
And now I am - goal is to heal my body and I will get
involved in non-competitive slow pitch!
I want to live adventurously !
Swimming. Gymnastics. I need to get in this!
Other sports.
And
Last night at karaoke I was able to approach the bartender
with nice , politeness without messing up by having her
be my mom.
It was great. I think there was another woman last night.
Who I sat with her and her friends ....got a feeling she
wanted to get laid. with me.
im not attracted to her physically.
Really nice girl and awesome at karaoke.
....I have no penis.
Oh last night I was at my men s group and really got
into as usual.
And my mentor encouraged me to go to the washroom and look
in the mirror and see that I am not afraid of the boy in
me...looking in the mirror.
And he asked if I needed support ; should him and our
other friend that was there , to join me.
I got to get my grammar in shape!
And so I asked if they would come with me.
And it was incredible. I stared at myself and said
" what do you see in that man?
" I am not scared...." I said.
"tell him what he needs.....tell him he is a great man.
and to not let them be afraid of you!.
It was nice and it was nice to not care about my dad and
his cunts!
I wont be afraid of them! Losers.
I am getting better at this.
And I think I could help men.
And I know that I can get better and stronger, smarter.
And later Will (my mentor) ....did an exercise with me
and Mike.
About....choosing an animal that describes us at the moment.
It was friggin AWESOME!!
It is sad Will wont be at our group for a few months;
but we should be okay.
I was....aah...my brain doesn't work perfectly.
Maybe that is good.
And that is it. I want my . dad.
me dad. me. I am not my dad. and wont think of him
that way.
I wonder if Vancouver is only a runaway....yea probably is.
my mind will come with.
So I best stay around the Peg!
Love everyone`s kindness and support!

Goran Bloom

 

[petercorbett]

Goran,,

Howdy from Texas, my Canadian fraternal brother.

Glad you are still venting, trying to get the poison out from your heart, mind, body & soul.
Glad that your mentor & friends are there for you.

As ever, my Canadian fraternal brother, you have my ever present, Compassion, Understanding & Hope.

Be kind & gentle on your inner child, as HE is YOU.
Wishing you well in healing.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Pete..Irishmoose.

 

[Sterling]

thanks Peter! I love you and the men ( + women)
here who listen and support.
Would and couldn't ever done it with all your support!
Really!
thx!
G

 

[Sterling]

I h8t I get angry.
but I cant feel bad. but he made me touch me.
and then I g . makes shitup.
They always make shit up!
and I am struggling. I don't know who .
or how
to get angry.
it doesn't fall so evil. my aunt knew how to fuck me
up. and then she would bput the blame on me.
you make things up.
and then hit me
they all hit me.
I don't know what I am doing.
that isn't tru .
I want a hug badly. I think I would love a woman to hug me
I don't want my dad ever to see me ever.
he voice . I hate hearing his voice.
or his moms voice and how he lives like he is an angel.
he is fuckt .
I never want to touch my penis other than for urinating.

 

[Sterling]

now I know I have to let go.
and that I let go I wtll wont talent to you.
listen to lyo. ever again.
no way. touch me again I will fuckin kill you.
shit.
I stll haven't forgiven.
this is insane!
I hate this. I need something.
yea. love.
I need love but I don't want to hear him ever.
mom. wont see me
she wants them.
I don't know you enimore.
g

 

[petercorbett]

G,

Wishing you a good & healing TGIF day.

Get all those hurts out. Reclaim your self-esteem & self worth as a valuable & loving human being.

Be kind & gentle on yourself as you have survived things that were not of your control, you were a powerless little boy taken advantage of in a incestious way.

I can understand you completely as i was in a simmular situation by my "mom."

It sure hurts, Goran & I wish you well in healing.
I'll be here at your side along with your friends in Canada.

Be safe, be careful & above all be kind & gentle on yourself.

Have a safe & healing weekend, Goran.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Pete..Irishmoose.

 

[Nothing Man]

Goran, keep posting. This is a great way to clear your mind. Know that you have the support of us here on MS. I wish you peace and healing.

 

[Bluedogone]

Well Done Goran,

Don't keep it in. Keep on posting, Keep on venting, my survivor brother. The poisonous crap that was planted by your family so long ago has to go somewhere, and this is a great place to write it all out. You're worthy, you deserve the good things that life can bring.

And you take care of yourself.

 

[Sterling]

Wow! Sweet guy!
Thanks I absolutely enjoyed that.

Goran

 

[Sterling]

I do want love.
I sont sont sont sont sont I know who I am.
and you aren't anything to me.
and I deserve to feel like a man.
I wonder if I should call her.
I will call her.
I wonder if I should ask my brother for 50 bucks.
everything else is good.
I want to get to where I don't have any of him in my mind.
I got to get to another computer
talk again.
G

 

[Sterling]

i think i . jenny st. ____. i had a crush on you.
my bozna wouldnt
you know when i look at you i want to cut your penis and
give that BACK TO ME!!!
I deserve to feel like a man bozna.
Fuckin dyke!!!
I hate your personality. You dont know shit!!
You and your entourage.
what does entourage mean Goran?
... and your arent billie . goran never has to listen to
billy. znorand is an asshole.
Zoran doesnt care. He thinks that i am not smart, or bright.
He doesnt care b/c his boyfriend kiril.
He has to hold his hand. Dont chya Zoran? garbage 1
garbage2. zoran is a girl. zoran is a loser.
See zoran they call you this and you walk with your daddy.
Fuckin loserrrrs!!!
Anyway. i never called Cherish. Dont have any money.
But i will get work. So forget what i asked you.
You are weak! You want it and you have it. You wont
take any chances that i know what i am talking about. AND..
AND...you want mommy and daddy to love you and love whatever.
Whatever is billy. You all shit ...fucks.
Mi happy.
I think i will keep writing plays. Mi not ...y'know fuck
..i will begin to put myself higher!
I love people! I need love.. And deserve some woman.
Maybe i will give that girl a shout!
She doesnt go out with me.... her loss!
I am a cool guy. And i wont see you. I thought you
cared. You dont. I need money for deep-tissue therapy.
"is this even working...i dont want you to throw money away.
-you cant blame this on dad. You cant.
aaaah,, SHUT UP!! Go give dad a blow job! I hope he
cant find his dick. I hope he cant love anyone in his life
but mammy and daddy!! Trash. Yea, i can love may be
maybe 5% of what i did. I am not weak , you guys are.
And your brain cant handle the truth. Much like propoganda.
Like me , you fake it. You fake it so dad is mentally okay/
stable. So dad doesnt have to care about me.
Isn't that right stupid? ! Go love your little he-female
billy. I hope billy and meri have a sexual-identity complex!
I hope they dress like men. and their mom has no idea how
to turn their sexuality around. B/c you fuck it up for Goran.
Daddy has no home. Boo-hoo! I better go live my
life. I need to get laid. And exercise. So i will
constantly give myself self-esteem , something you should have
done. But you laughed at me and you brought over there so
they could destroy my thoughts and ideas. Too bad for you
you will never see this cowboy ever agian.! Better call mommy
from underneath the earth. Garbage!! No home...not my problem. Good dude Goran will love everyone but your shit
from your shit nation!!!
Maybe zoran can call you guys useless and hopeless. I think
that fits perfectly for billy and meri hey zoran? ..
Dont need a brother never needed a mommy. So fuck yall!!!
Zeljko i am not your mom or dad...i dont want to know your
crap....until you have a knowledge that you were severly
abused. NOt molested , but your dad is a sick piece of shit!
And you wont allow that the reality.
Anyway... i am seeing Maria Thursday .
want a woman. want a woman. what if cherish.
you aint even on the phone with her .
and i am always afraid of rejection.
well maybe this would be good.
touch up my sensitivity. okay i dont know everything.
How the fuck do you live with that psyche kiril?
i wish i could change my name.
Dont know what good it will do.
I need to hangout with men. What about my interests and
other stuff...well there are online groups and what
i need to breathe and slow down.
Love ya goran.
love ya malesurvivor.
love ya ipa.
love ya
world!
okay
checking out with loved and feeling freedom!

 

[Nothing Man]

Keep talking, Goran. It is good for the soul.

 

[Sterling]

Thanks Nothing Man or Supportive Man!!

I hate it I come here and don't fucking do anything for
others I am jealous that I am a good guy and come here and
shit on.
? I wanted to check out mh my ---my ??
I don't want them!
And I . don't know who I am , just yet.
I am just a child. ten or. bozna such a cunt!
I don't know how I will get thru this.
My mom keeps hinting to move over.
My brother is such a dick!
I need better fans. This town is lonely when it comes
to wanting a dad.
And I cant or can.
I think I would be well to be with youth.
I am a good role model. To this organization I could have
never been the man I am now.
I never can see me . Practise looking in the mirror.
I don't like . My dad is not my dad. He is shit!
I don't care. He likes billy. everyone in his family
including my brother and mother they like her.
And they all helped her. I am literally pulling down my
fucking balls. It hurts. I feell like my aunt ..did
something to help me better at a girl.
And my sperm donor approves of this.
And I don't know because I am shit. or I am supposed to
be exactly what billy wants and needs.
I think I want a woman but I sense I haven't grown up yet.
It is so aweful and it is evil what they do. My mom
doesn't care. And she wants me to move there? Fuck that!
So I can go nuts. Forget it.
I hope I get this job. And take things from there.
I need to fix my body and then maybe a massage parlor and
deep-tissue therapy and whatever.
I hate my dad. I am trying to get over this ..
but I cant stand it when I am around this friend.
I don't know . He wont molest me. And I guess this is
probably why I want to hang-out with guys who are straight.
I needed this! My father is fucked in the head. His
wife , my brother seems to think I am not well.
I hate it if I have nowhere to go I panic. Where do I go?
Men s Resource Center has me written down for short-term
counselling in a couple months. I hate waiting.
And I don't want one guy that works there , to give me counselling...because he made a pass at me and he is married.
So...I don't expect anyone to understand ...or I dunno.
But I can mess up. And I don't want to. Understandable!
So I know I don't need to look at men. I hate the shower.
One older guy happened to see my penis this morning.
He laughed I don't know if it was my penis,,,,i think so.
But I was sitting down. I need courage. But my balls
hurt all the fucking time. And my aunt may have squeezed them
really hard. And following with my dad laughing.
Yea... I will pack my bags and anxiously move to where they
are at! ?? rrrrrrrrrrrrrright.
Anyway, I am tired. It is in my mind. That....like the
library I go to....porn is blocked. But there is a romantic
gay movie that has a few nude scenes.
I always wanted to be a boy. my aunt fucked it up.
And k don't know who to to do this. or who to talk to.
I always seem to feel molested or told I am dumb.
Which is wrong . And then he laughs and hits me.
My dad. isn't the man I want to be. sex sex.
sex. sex with goran. go to goran.
let him fuck you. Yet billy gets puberty and all the
nice things. Her , my bro. all of them.
Hate me. And I still live in the past. But I hate them.
And I guess I should get on with forgiving. or whatever.
And there is this woman who I think likes me.
She is nice but I feel like I am not as needing her.
Like she is a mom? or. gorwan
goran gorwn grows into a man. this would be what I want.
my spelling isn't the greatest . This is good because I a
have always wanted to not listen to my cousins.
My grandma tells me sick shit. I have to listen to billy
and meri. Whatever!!!
Stay away. And you are the worst father a kid could have.
Meanwhile my moron mother sees no wrong how she sees this.
I have so fucking tired of this. I need a good cry and
boxing. I want to beat them up!
That is enough for me.
talk later goran.
yea see ya.

 

[Sterling]

I l wanted
don't lii.. don't look at me.
dth is why billy gets to be a girl.
her mom swithched her person body and gave me a female one.
stupd saw it and made sure I ate billie mom food.
and I swallow. I hate swallowing. and then we go home.
"don't tell".
and then dumb Serbian swings. yea. quite the piece of shit!
I never liked you.
I don't need you.
that is all!

 

[Sterling]

I wish I knew how I dlook at men.
I don't kiel you grow waya. shcold dhit this sdidd\
dsssssss
i don't want to stare at his penis.
i don't lwant . thiso
like them.
tey ehy wnawant sex have it thru biille and mier.
het e u.
gorabnls

 

[Sterling]

i want to help me. osnt know how tudt they ithink
of Thompson and . idont know wo who wo who who how how
I am stuck in a desperate time. and now I want to eat.
Yet I just had lunch. I thought I could do much with my
time. I don't
know who to share here in .
inot know if I am gay. I don't know only b/c her om mom
would hate me.
and my true mom never knew. and now I don't know who I am.
am very sensitive to my thoughts.
Anything I hear or read can regress me to . I don't know
a lot. -and I have been beat. but I have survived !
So this is very important for me to read and hear my self
say.
I thought I could help others BUT I know have made mistakes
with this paraphrase. she always was the only one.
And she would hit me. and then I had to eat.
That was how my aunt would live. Forget goran.
And I adapted! I told me. the thaen she would beat me
over and over. and then I ha,e . I have too many
personalities.
she has her personality. I don't know where she is .
She isn't here typing to me. And no one is reading this.
So I don't need to be afraid of her and billy now!
And I don't need to think of my dad. I sometimes think.
Shit I was interrupted a nice guy , named Marty came and
gave me a nice compliment.
Man, I have been thinking of this one Brazilian girl.
She is a receptionist. Nice ass! And I have these
conversations in my head. And anyway, now I seen Marty and
my thoughts were " you are hot. kiss goran . kiss
me dad! That is disgusting! It is gross!
Cant do anything about the past. I wish I could throw him
in the river up north in Manitoba.
And when busting/breaking away to leave I think of Vancouver
Nova Scotia. ( borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring
Goran boring. Well I don't know what...
and she is in my head now and she is infront and hit me.
I couldn't talk. I am always jealous and don't know why
I cant live. Or .
I am tired and do other garbage.
g