i love you
i love you
- Thread starterSterling
- Start date
As someone who has also had severe issues with trying to figure out how they identify, and who they are attracted to, the best advice I can give you is to not put labels on yourself.
I know a label can feel like you have a sense of control, but the label itself can be extremely controlling. People expect you to act a certain way, like certain things, all of that shit... and you already have so many things telling you how you should be. Don't try and hold yourself to someone else's standards anymore.
This is something I'm still learning. I was talking to a coworker yesterday and she got this light in her eyes as if she finally understood some deeper meaning I was trying to reach.. Then she started drawing out this diagram and POW it felt like someone knew exactly what I was saying. I had been trying to fulfill other people's expectations of me for so long that I didn't know who I was, resulting in a stressed out individual with absolutely no core beliefs of his own. Then when I was 21 I "snapped out of it" with my transition. It was the very first thing I ever did for myself and I will never look back.
We have PTSD, James. The past will always be more present for us, it's just in our nature now. We can work on it, find ways to make those memories a bit more distant, but especially for those of us who were abused at such a young age, there's only so much we can do. And we can't be mad at ourselves for that. We should be proud! Look at us! We've survived, and we're in a place now where we can recognize dangers before they happen to us. We can protect ourselves, the children within us, and our chosen loved ones.
We CAN and WILL do this.
I know a label can feel like you have a sense of control, but the label itself can be extremely controlling. People expect you to act a certain way, like certain things, all of that shit... and you already have so many things telling you how you should be. Don't try and hold yourself to someone else's standards anymore.
This is something I'm still learning. I was talking to a coworker yesterday and she got this light in her eyes as if she finally understood some deeper meaning I was trying to reach.. Then she started drawing out this diagram and POW it felt like someone knew exactly what I was saying. I had been trying to fulfill other people's expectations of me for so long that I didn't know who I was, resulting in a stressed out individual with absolutely no core beliefs of his own. Then when I was 21 I "snapped out of it" with my transition. It was the very first thing I ever did for myself and I will never look back.
We have PTSD, James. The past will always be more present for us, it's just in our nature now. We can work on it, find ways to make those memories a bit more distant, but especially for those of us who were abused at such a young age, there's only so much we can do. And we can't be mad at ourselves for that. We should be proud! Look at us! We've survived, and we're in a place now where we can recognize dangers before they happen to us. We can protect ourselves, the children within us, and our chosen loved ones.
We CAN and WILL do this.
feeling. the at you. ant you. I hate htme. I h
ate them.
I don't want to eat na more
I don't want food. he he is the person always
I don't know what is what. I don't knowa my . enis I
ot them. I feel anxious when I think. he wants t to
be the I don't want him. I anm scared if I don't go to
collingwond don't want you. I ndm frustrate I don't want
I have to give up on having the feroct oeld. life
I dotn want thie I wish I coui d sex . ntoe th
dotn dot tiv. thism they ghome. and I hope I don't want
them eona th t sd;s ti I don't wan who to think.
things went on when iaw sleeping. I want to remmmber but
every time I hear yelling. god hdam oel sp
I nee ths s to my t sucjsk he is in toran and I m not
I and this fd I hate this. nobody nows what I am
going thru. I try to foger I hb I have to eat.
that mie that. I bine s lot I don't want to I feel ducked
I and dotn wat t erifl I hope dith tfh t
I ki tis eh I oe ti I o I die with out caring. id otn want
to care anymore. I dnot awnt to. this iw my si
dmt tei dff did youb ilie they daer you eou
what is thre to look owr sar to. adkl w ei donw att
eaererrrereeereeeeeeeeeeererereeeeererererer
erererererererererererererererereererereeerrerererere
my dad's brother is gay.
what can I do?
eat. that is my problem solution. left not back. work.
but always sick. ne ver shoot me never kill them.
but mom is blamed w o , th er apy sint get
d ont want cops sdja;df;adjf
dopc sto todd dodd dodd d n e. e d to lookin women
n ti do d visual iz e subway. don't want karaoke
don't want t.v. I need hugs. I need to live
how do I help ?
I how can I ahlp me ? I nkno whis face. when
sleping they hurt me. how do I go into my subconcisoxness without gying. how. how how
m y dht detr ert I feel dirty. d
eokr. I cant work with tis in siong happ
dno want movies. movies are not here. I am not a movie star
I am sick b/c of them I need daty fall. wy laugh at yo
o dt the ant eiare I don want the firebird.
donawnt them he is so ciked. id me d it te them
wish iwasnt alive. do . I cannot handle this.
don't awnt this life. I make shit up. don't want to make shit
up. you are gay. and I dnot want. I don't want to see her
I don want to see him. I dno want tehm you all used me to
ith suicide things. idn cxant worry for them if I xcould
eerxie I xcant to I hsdafir my family I am to blame for this.
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lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllif
I cant afford it I cannot eft. I dnot awnt t st o d kencir
don't ahen I dnot wah money don't want my money don't mye
don want them I don want tv. I am not you. you a
you a dowant . di t run to vilie I due I ei d t
this I thou them I want . I dnt want you
eve I wish I could change my thinking. change how I eat
change how I think foth yo. I dnot want fod I don't want to tael
I don wantie I on I wi dkdk diddiddddkddkdkjdd
dldkddkdkdkdkdkdkdkdd itirned I a I don't want to sleep.
I don't wan this. I dnt ti d di eh eie d I thou di d
dddkjd let I fht I did h sis I sis iahet hat islea
ei aht e t ie he ie dk;dj;fjd I ei ei ddd
dddk;dld dkdkd dddd ddddddkd id dd don't like my brain.
don't like how it works. don't like how theirs work. don't
like you. go to their house an live there. I don't wan to
live ner anyore of tyou. do di d dootye. di t di tti to
ttittff yell her I wi s csream eher sher
are the o die d;f si d ei die e hea d ha a I dhad
ate them.
I don't want to eat na more
I don't want food. he he is the person always
I don't know what is what. I don't knowa my . enis I
ot them. I feel anxious when I think. he wants t to
be the I don't want him. I anm scared if I don't go to
collingwond don't want you. I ndm frustrate I don't want
I have to give up on having the feroct oeld. life
I dotn want thie I wish I coui d sex . ntoe th
dotn dot tiv. thism they ghome. and I hope I don't want
them eona th t sd;s ti I don't wan who to think.
things went on when iaw sleeping. I want to remmmber but
every time I hear yelling. god hdam oel sp
I nee ths s to my t sucjsk he is in toran and I m not
I and this fd I hate this. nobody nows what I am
going thru. I try to foger I hb I have to eat.
that mie that. I bine s lot I don't want to I feel ducked
I and dotn wat t erifl I hope dith tfh t
I ki tis eh I oe ti I o I die with out caring. id otn want
to care anymore. I dnot awnt to. this iw my si
dmt tei dff did youb ilie they daer you eou
what is thre to look owr sar to. adkl w ei donw att
eaererrrereeereeeeeeeeeeererereeeeererererer
erererererererererererererererereererereeerrerererere
my dad's brother is gay.
what can I do?
eat. that is my problem solution. left not back. work.
but always sick. ne ver shoot me never kill them.
but mom is blamed w o , th er apy sint get
d ont want cops sdja;df;adjf
dopc sto todd dodd dodd d n e. e d to lookin women
n ti do d visual iz e subway. don't want karaoke
don't want t.v. I need hugs. I need to live
how do I help ?
I how can I ahlp me ? I nkno whis face. when
sleping they hurt me. how do I go into my subconcisoxness without gying. how. how how
m y dht detr ert I feel dirty. d
eokr. I cant work with tis in siong happ
dno want movies. movies are not here. I am not a movie star
I am sick b/c of them I need daty fall. wy laugh at yo
o dt the ant eiare I don want the firebird.
donawnt them he is so ciked. id me d it te them
wish iwasnt alive. do . I cannot handle this.
don't awnt this life. I make shit up. don't want to make shit
up. you are gay. and I dnot want. I don't want to see her
I don want to see him. I dno want tehm you all used me to
ith suicide things. idn cxant worry for them if I xcould
eerxie I xcant to I hsdafir my family I am to blame for this.
sdf;ksdjf;ad sda;kljf; sdakl;;f sda;lfajkf; ds;fjklad;fj
sdfjdkffffffffffffff;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
ssssssssssssssssssssk;jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjd
dddddddddddddddddddddd;kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd;k\j
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllldddddddddddddddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
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llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
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llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllif
I cant afford it I cannot eft. I dnot awnt t st o d kencir
don't ahen I dnot wah money don't want my money don't mye
don want them I don want tv. I am not you. you a
you a dowant . di t run to vilie I due I ei d t
this I thou them I want . I dnt want you
eve I wish I could change my thinking. change how I eat
change how I think foth yo. I dnot want fod I don't want to tael
I don wantie I on I wi dkdk diddiddddkddkdkjdd
dldkddkdkdkdkdkdkdkdd itirned I a I don't want to sleep.
I don't wan this. I dnt ti d di eh eie d I thou di d
dddkjd let I fht I did h sis I sis iahet hat islea
ei aht e t ie he ie dk;dj;fjd I ei ei ddd
dddk;dld dkdkd dddd ddddddkd id dd don't like my brain.
don't like how it works. don't like how theirs work. don't
like you. go to their house an live there. I don't wan to
live ner anyore of tyou. do di d dootye. di t di tti to
ttittff yell her I wi s csream eher sher
are the o die d;f si d ei die e hea d ha a I dhad
I know I would rather be with a guy , romantically.
But my mind ....I just can't turn it off.
I trick myself thinking I am straight or ....yea ...I feel
like I need a girlfriend.
This is weird. I just don't know.
I don't want to make others stressed.
I plan to go to a gay men's group.
What if I get anxious , not comfortable . ?
This is tiring.
I also ...need to remember b .
I keep SEEING in my mind putting food in mouth I when
I need to speak. My aunt wount wont let anyone know that
she and her husband are GAY!
That is it! That is what all my worry stems from.
I don't remember b/c my uncle (abuser) wont let me think.
He would beat me up wo once I was thrown in the room.
I wish I could sue them. There are lawyers / a firm
in Toronto who do , do this.
I just don't want to mess up!
Such as "we don't believe you". " how can your uncle be
gay ? he is not! " These are not real voices out of me.
But this is ...I just want to grow up! Be a man!
And nobody cares. It is hard. I just want to have a love
...I saw myself cuddling with a woman. But I have never masturbated to women. Very few times. I just want to accept
this. It is so hard. I want all these secrets out.
And I have no one to tell. I have been signed up for 15 step
group in Toronto that starts in the fall.
A nice guy who spoke to me about this last week , is seeing me
in a couple weeks. But this is hard.
How can my father think I want to hang-out with him?
I am so tired of eating for him and his sick family!!
I just don't want to be gay. I just want love.
I don't want to be gay . I I have a thinking problem.
My cousins got a way s with all this.
I would do anything to sue them.
I want them to be aware every waking hour of what they put
me through.
The loneliness, the lack of mental concentration.
The constant need to comfort their PANIC , of someone finding out.
NOT FAMILY .
NEVER!!!!
I just don't want them. And they don't want me.
But I want redemption.
I hope I can get blah blah.
Thanks.
no more bingeing.
I want.
But my mind ....I just can't turn it off.
I trick myself thinking I am straight or ....yea ...I feel
like I need a girlfriend.
This is weird. I just don't know.
I don't want to make others stressed.
I plan to go to a gay men's group.
What if I get anxious , not comfortable . ?
This is tiring.
I also ...need to remember b .
I keep SEEING in my mind putting food in mouth I when
I need to speak. My aunt wount wont let anyone know that
she and her husband are GAY!
That is it! That is what all my worry stems from.
I don't remember b/c my uncle (abuser) wont let me think.
He would beat me up wo once I was thrown in the room.
I wish I could sue them. There are lawyers / a firm
in Toronto who do , do this.
I just don't want to mess up!
Such as "we don't believe you". " how can your uncle be
gay ? he is not! " These are not real voices out of me.
But this is ...I just want to grow up! Be a man!
And nobody cares. It is hard. I just want to have a love
...I saw myself cuddling with a woman. But I have never masturbated to women. Very few times. I just want to accept
this. It is so hard. I want all these secrets out.
And I have no one to tell. I have been signed up for 15 step
group in Toronto that starts in the fall.
A nice guy who spoke to me about this last week , is seeing me
in a couple weeks. But this is hard.
How can my father think I want to hang-out with him?
I am so tired of eating for him and his sick family!!
I just don't want to be gay. I just want love.
I don't want to be gay . I I have a thinking problem.
My cousins got a way s with all this.
I would do anything to sue them.
I want them to be aware every waking hour of what they put
me through.
The loneliness, the lack of mental concentration.
The constant need to comfort their PANIC , of someone finding out.
NOT FAMILY .
NEVER!!!!
I just don't want them. And they don't want me.
But I want redemption.
I hope I can get blah blah.
Thanks.
no more bingeing.
I want.
I hate this. I don't want to got to.
that. I thatn I he h at tes me and then bilie looks
at me and zoran. or its bozna a bozna wants em me to
break u arart apr apart my family.
that is why I can understand shit.
why done she do dthis. I have such a hard time
focusing. and thenmy my real dad doesn't
care ht he thinks it s funny they dress me as a girl
he holds my hand like iid did a real good job.
Then I spoke to him a few days a back b/c/ he
actually thinks I am wanting to see him.
I wish he was never born. or I wish
he would have been impotent before 1974.
God cant do t shit! whast is god can
do. I stn you wos. I can meake thihngs up
I know you are gay. but eh hahahahah
you are sick. you lke body . you like
bilie. l ook at bilie bilie is so
this . kiril watches . them. like
this is so wonederful and now hw want
tos see. me. fuck him! this is tn
I don't know who to talk to.
this city isn't that great.
I have a hard time with pathijence
I hate this. I just ate cooikie
I don't want anything free anymore
r free is canger dangerbours. for mre
I don't want to make anyone sick or
me. and I don't want to see h im
I thought I was gonna get in shape
my brain iw wired. with food.
my fucking therapist doesn't return my
messages. he lives 3 hours away.
fuck I t hate this. I could kill him.
he want my thi I hate this mbade. he
cant think he wants me to be
????????????????????????????????????
where. where do I geilve I want I ii
dmy slsd;adf;jaf
that. I thatn I he h at tes me and then bilie looks
at me and zoran. or its bozna a bozna wants em me to
break u arart apr apart my family.
that is why I can understand shit.
why done she do dthis. I have such a hard time
focusing. and thenmy my real dad doesn't
care ht he thinks it s funny they dress me as a girl
he holds my hand like iid did a real good job.
Then I spoke to him a few days a back b/c/ he
actually thinks I am wanting to see him.
I wish he was never born. or I wish
he would have been impotent before 1974.
God cant do t shit! whast is god can
do. I stn you wos. I can meake thihngs up
I know you are gay. but eh hahahahah
you are sick. you lke body . you like
bilie. l ook at bilie bilie is so
this . kiril watches . them. like
this is so wonederful and now hw want
tos see. me. fuck him! this is tn
I don't know who to talk to.
this city isn't that great.
I have a hard time with pathijence
I hate this. I just ate cooikie
I don't want anything free anymore
r free is canger dangerbours. for mre
I don't want to make anyone sick or
me. and I don't want to see h im
I thought I was gonna get in shape
my brain iw wired. with food.
my fucking therapist doesn't return my
messages. he lives 3 hours away.
fuck I t hate this. I could kill him.
he want my thi I hate this mbade. he
cant think he wants me to be
????????????????????????????????????
where. where do I geilve I want I ii
dmy slsd;adf;jaf
DONT WANT T to g o to cilile sheens ai gilie
bilie is a boy. and you know it.
an di doint want to thin of them
I don't wan t to go ther. if ever time I go there
I eat. and ithen I dee bilie as this great fucikin loser.
why couldn gofd dfill them
lonely angry.
wanting friends.
and I just don't n want to see him.
he is lying on the couch , arms folded behind his head.
he needs smo eomthing
sex.
ina d my b mind gets all screwed up when I start getting all ffe eely
and. I make sense he sde doesn't want to believe he did anything.
I am doing everyiht thing I can to g cope.
I don't want to eat. that is the only things that my
con y hes.
he see. I can go and go. stop. stop how.
how to di cdtop
I the this hate this.
bilie is a boy. and you know it.
an di doint want to thin of them
I don't wan t to go ther. if ever time I go there
I eat. and ithen I dee bilie as this great fucikin loser.
why couldn gofd dfill them
lonely angry.
wanting friends.
and I just don't n want to see him.
he is lying on the couch , arms folded behind his head.
he needs smo eomthing
sex.
ina d my b mind gets all screwed up when I start getting all ffe eely
and. I make sense he sde doesn't want to believe he did anything.
I am doing everyiht thing I can to g cope.
I don't want to eat. that is the only things that my
con y hes.
he see. I can go and go. stop. stop how.
how to di cdtop
I the this hate this.
crappy computer.
you have 20 seconds , end your time or press no and stay logged on.
"I guess I will press no . click.
two seconds later.
please either log off or press no .
anyway,
I don't know if I am a boy or a girl.
I my dad is always kissing me.
I hate these fucking computers.
survivor workshop isn't until late September.
tomorrow I am signed up for a co-ed eating disorder
group
I don't want to go.
billie.
billie needs me to eat.
I don't want to talk about food.
seeing in my mind
is disgusting.
I wish I never had this problem.
I don't want to eat.
I would like to try a veggie shake.
this town. ;sajdf;ajdf;f
I hate this. feelings
"what are you looking at" says
biellie.
my mom is better.
f;asdfj;ajfaf;k
she wants sex.
billie.
IT'S scary he didn't like me
I can't even look at why I am here?
I don't want to look in the mirror.
I hate him.
I and he hated me.
I feel like I he wanted to ik kilil
kill me.
and then my mom had the stuff.
I felt hopefull .
heo ple
less as a child
I didn't know who to talk to.
now I am better.
I can feel this
I am just concerned about my body
I don't want to not hurry.
in
I feel like she is in me.
or her something
her family.
creepy.
people
you have 20 seconds , end your time or press no and stay logged on.
"I guess I will press no . click.
two seconds later.
please either log off or press no .
anyway,
I don't know if I am a boy or a girl.
I my dad is always kissing me.
I hate these fucking computers.
survivor workshop isn't until late September.
tomorrow I am signed up for a co-ed eating disorder
group
I don't want to go.
billie.
billie needs me to eat.
I don't want to talk about food.
seeing in my mind
is disgusting.
I wish I never had this problem.
I don't want to eat.
I would like to try a veggie shake.
this town. ;sajdf;ajdf;f
I hate this. feelings
"what are you looking at" says
biellie.
my mom is better.
f;asdfj;ajfaf;k
she wants sex.
billie.
IT'S scary he didn't like me
I can't even look at why I am here?
I don't want to look in the mirror.
I hate him.
I and he hated me.
I feel like I he wanted to ik kilil
kill me.
and then my mom had the stuff.
I felt hopefull .
heo ple
less as a child
I didn't know who to talk to.
now I am better.
I can feel this
I am just concerned about my body
I don't want to not hurry.
in
I feel like she is in me.
or her something
her family.
creepy.
people
30something
Registrant
One foot in front of the other. That's how it is sometimes. Thinking of you, Sterling.
God bless the both of you BFree27 , 30something.
I needed friends so bad.
I remember every time I wanted to talk , whether it be
lunch break at school...my mind had to cover up ideas.
(like my uncle being gay) through eating.
Everyone knows he is gay.
I am talking to a lawyer on Wednesday . I don't know what
will happen. I don't deal well with disappointment.
But I have been thru a lot. NOt letting me have a boy's body.
They really messed me up. I deserve a lot of money.
I am angry . Disappointed in my real father.
And mom. I want to see my mom. How can I?
I can see her husband. He really isn't that great.
My brother wont call me....(I am guessing it is denial) .
I had no one. Thank God for Malesurvivor and Primal Therapy.
I don't know what else... thanks again any support I will
take.
I just get all needy. I make mistakes. Eating is one.
Hope is good. But I want them to suffer. All of em!!!
I want something. I met some nice people. May be this
is enough. well no.
But I at least I can put on some old cartoons...I love looking
at women. I do. I don't know why I like African women so much.
I have. small dick. sucks.
I hate it that I can draw men , but am aware how much I can
take. I don't want to play mind games.
I love Toronto!!!!
Thanks again.
I hope you guys understand the need to offer support , care,
and compassion. MALESURVIVOR ROCKS!!!!
I needed friends so bad.
I remember every time I wanted to talk , whether it be
lunch break at school...my mind had to cover up ideas.
(like my uncle being gay) through eating.
Everyone knows he is gay.
I am talking to a lawyer on Wednesday . I don't know what
will happen. I don't deal well with disappointment.
But I have been thru a lot. NOt letting me have a boy's body.
They really messed me up. I deserve a lot of money.
I am angry . Disappointed in my real father.
And mom. I want to see my mom. How can I?
I can see her husband. He really isn't that great.
My brother wont call me....(I am guessing it is denial) .
I had no one. Thank God for Malesurvivor and Primal Therapy.
I don't know what else... thanks again any support I will
take.
I just get all needy. I make mistakes. Eating is one.
Hope is good. But I want them to suffer. All of em!!!
I want something. I met some nice people. May be this
is enough. well no.
But I at least I can put on some old cartoons...I love looking
at women. I do. I don't know why I like African women so much.
I have. small dick. sucks.
I hate it that I can draw men , but am aware how much I can
take. I don't want to play mind games.
I love Toronto!!!!
Thanks again.
I hope you guys understand the need to offer support , care,
and compassion. MALESURVIVOR ROCKS!!!!
i know I like looking at men ! ????
no t anymore.
Bob you aren't here. Bob my English is terrible.
I have a learning disorder.
When I read I get my uncle and . then.
My dad wants me to think that his brother is my dad.
His culture has this need (or this / his family) ...wants
me to be exactly like him. And then dad's mum tells me
I have to be exactly like my bio dad.
Then they wonder what is wrong with me...
Well fuck. you don't let me have my own thoughts.
.
I get angry. Then you guys don't feel. You have to
express your feelings. Whether it be happy or sad, mad.
You don't have this. And then you want me to hate .
everyone.
I don't want anyone else's anger ....and I sure don't want
someone to feel responsible for my emotions.
It is tuff. I have an underlying reaction when men walk
my way , that I look at them.
I don't. want this.
My aut does things. I wasn't allowed to talk.
What I would do ...is love.
I want ot to love as much as possible.
Take care of things. Not take things as personal.
Learn. learn learn
no t anymore.
Bob you aren't here. Bob my English is terrible.
I have a learning disorder.
When I read I get my uncle and . then.
My dad wants me to think that his brother is my dad.
His culture has this need (or this / his family) ...wants
me to be exactly like him. And then dad's mum tells me
I have to be exactly like my bio dad.
Then they wonder what is wrong with me...
Well fuck. you don't let me have my own thoughts.
.I get angry. Then you guys don't feel. You have to
express your feelings. Whether it be happy or sad, mad.
You don't have this. And then you want me to hate .
everyone.
I don't want anyone else's anger ....and I sure don't want
someone to feel responsible for my emotions.
It is tuff. I have an underlying reaction when men walk
my way , that I look at them.
I don't. want this.
My aut does things. I wasn't allowed to talk.
What I would do ...is love.
I want ot to love as much as possible.
Take care of things. Not take things as personal.
Learn. learn learn
Tristan need a d ad. i dont want to knw at ti to them,
I just wanted love. and it comes out tnat. lekarn fa st
er. bozna wanted me to have sex with him.
I cwa m tealr. I then I he just gets up and we go for coffee.
I mis my grother brto brother. I have a learning diesorer
I could fuck it up. I can get guys attractive. I can get me in troupble.
I was talking to a nice guy lst last night on a distress line.
he helped me a lot.
I don't want you to look at me. mom sory. I was a dicke to you.
I cnet die . to feel them. don't watch them. I am nto not your dad.
. my tat I dnt fti to fele park. . now. distratction to this
and bowhe. trust. I see hoe my d
Jamesi type this beat then I don't want to
give iddeas I whatnt o frci that iws
sittt ui an subg t u toe fast,
u di ttoe t hoe hm home role.
type to o fst. this is boring. yea.h
i can like my mom. you should be ashamed of yourself.
You don't EVEN KNOW WHT P PEEND.
your mom is a mental moron!
She doesn't like me. She likes you. And she thinks you deserve to have
it all. ga ga goo goo...souc cuk suck on your mom 's tits stupid.
....hate hating.
I don't want to be pissed off!
you can. your brother sont eappt meyinb. he
stupid. lke you. zoran can watch waterve. tiv. I ned
to hury ie ;sjkldf;sdjfk;f this
what ia m gonnin d this weekend?
lates how dfsj
tus turst tu rust turs left her to be. I am a boy.
and you are not. you should have done something.
you let them.
beat me. and laughed. . I m not na in any rush to
see you. I want kill you. garbage man.
a ga fikt self.
wok. eit all in . I got to
I just wanted love. and it comes out tnat. lekarn fa st
er. bozna wanted me to have sex with him.
I cwa m tealr. I then I he just gets up and we go for coffee.
I mis my grother brto brother. I have a learning diesorer
I could fuck it up. I can get guys attractive. I can get me in troupble.
I was talking to a nice guy lst last night on a distress line.
he helped me a lot.
I don't want you to look at me. mom sory. I was a dicke to you.
I cnet die . to feel them. don't watch them. I am nto not your dad.
. my tat I dnt fti to fele park. . now. distratction to this
and bowhe. trust. I see hoe my d
Jamesi type this beat then I don't want to
give iddeas I whatnt o frci that iws
sittt ui an subg t u toe fast,
u di ttoe t hoe hm home role.
type to o fst. this is boring. yea.h
i can like my mom. you should be ashamed of yourself.
You don't EVEN KNOW WHT P PEEND.
your mom is a mental moron!
She doesn't like me. She likes you. And she thinks you deserve to have
it all. ga ga goo goo...souc cuk suck on your mom 's tits stupid.
....hate hating.
I don't want to be pissed off!
you can. your brother sont eappt meyinb. he
stupid. lke you. zoran can watch waterve. tiv. I ned
to hury ie ;sjkldf;sdjfk;f this
what ia m gonnin d this weekend?
lates how dfsj
tus turst tu rust turs left her to be. I am a boy.
and you are not. you should have done something.
you let them.
beat me. and laughed. . I m not na in any rush to
see you. I want kill you. garbage man.
a ga fikt self.
wok. eit all in . I got to
i feel like i ahve have to be peradnoid. f or them. i have to be aware that ibllie knows what i am. not here.
billie wants to g be gay. i think. i have to trust my intiuition. i dont' know who i am . my dad wont let me.
i am supposed to eat. i am running out of food. and i dont want to go to a food bank.
Sorry. what are you sorry for?
Am not gay. but i am. i am confused.
I wish life was easier.
I hookded up with a guy last
nig
SMACK!
thenre is bozna hitting me.
I cannot think. or feel.
I have hard-time wanting.
My sperm-donor. I feel sorry for him.
Why?
Dont . his parents made me feel sick.
I all i remember is stuffing myself .
And....
i dont want to run . but i am like a child in
ways. I dont know my problems. All i know is to die.
My dad. Wouldn't want him to know.
Why is that?
He cares about himself. He doesnt
want to know me
and so . i think and think. i dont want to
look at him. i could have sex. i just dont know if i should.
i was going to to to to chru church.
. i am lost. i lost my feelings.
i keep thinking. and
it doesnt hurt i t jus
he is gay. and is violent!
And we all know worna. isnt.
And i dont want my family.
i dont want you.
And i am scared what if this doesnt
work?
and then
I TRY. i just wanted th
stuff. marshall. isnt here.
love you man.
i dont know who to talk to.
i know i need to feeel. but it
is so fuvking hard. i have a two year old with me
and three year old. and
then i stopped talking.
i turned into him. i feel like they tried ...putting
me into him. like we changed bodyies.
i feel like i dont know who i my dad
is . or mom.
they are dumb. i feel like leaving now and
going to dwon walk downtown.
It's tuff. work doing this all the time .
i n eeed shit from then.
It d wont make sense to people .
I have my mown thera
pist. i have
to be all ti o
me. and it isnt muf. i wans t dick
but. i dont know if it m my oe or g bilie's
. dont know who they are.
They hated me. and they got a way with
everything.
I don't know with. lauwyer.s
will help.
i wish thust could havppen
I want tikil to kow know what a lous
y famlly
he has to r trust bilie.
Isnt that somehting?
He cant trust me. I tried telling him
MY dad is gay. But they wuold say
no your dad is gay!
They ceep teling vepthing this
over and ove. i was so comnfued
my grandparetns laughed.
I have no home
I hate this. I cant look at myself
in the mirror.
Yet i am handsome.
I have no body.
It feels like a woman's body.
I dont want sugar.
Stupid. KNows they did stuff.
He wants to be a important to me.
Fuck him! I am 42.
She doesnt want this.
My brother either.
this is friggin tiring.
24 hours a day.
NOt kill and not kill thyself.
over OVER OVER OVER.
i Hve no one. I can make friends.
I dont want to give a phont of myself
and. i dont own a computer.
I am tried of givn in. to
all this shit.
i cant seperate myself from my uncle
and his sickness.
I nkow he is gay.
But. i have attraction to men.
I not happy .
And i look at guy's crotches.
I am relieved that the guy last night; jesse.
He didnt do anything about my flirting a bit.
I know he is gay.
The guys here in Toronto are very attractive.
Hard for me to compete. I dont know why i care , really.
But they are well-dressed. I am sure guys are good-looking
around the globe , i shouldnt just say this town.
I am feeling lonely. pissed-off. and i dont know
who to talk to. So i talk to me.
I like to het get easier. I love sex. I wish i culd have
sex. I am afraid of becoming a girl.
My dad / his family did a lot to me.
;sdjf;jfas;ja;fjafdjk
you will kill someone gora.
no thiat.
why couljd i get ganyr ejlsi m o movie
i need family.
n es toronot.
odf di wih i could touch a
gomean ?
i dont nkow who is a gomel and h
wgho i s i m enc
cius of cikd ?
dit i geive in . i give in .
i given in i give i ing vie
i hope you lose it all kril
i do.
dfjas;fj;ja;fjad;fjd;fj
dont want tosee him. his
his penis.
i dont want it in mye
mouth.
plawe help me.
i dont want this.
sdfjkad;f i jkkldddd
they forced me to have se.x
i dont know my gender.
sd;fjkf;d towo ye
asrs old
ui have a learning diesorder
i have s;dfha;f thisdf;s adfdfsdf lonelibnees
a he liked laughing all the
they all do.
they are dhit.
i dont want this.
i dont want to commite anything.
i on do di how
do i live?
how.
i AM CONfused are you agy gay goran?
says meri.
laughs at me.
i couldnt
speak.
they would tell me
that . . all i remember is staring at his crotch.
i hate it!
but i couldnt speak
only eat.
Where the hell are my dad and mom?
freaks!
all of em!
whatever. you are not
in me.
you are n i kill you kiril
you want my crother. do die.
but you want me to heal him
and his family.
if only God can have me rake in money from this...
s;dfj;sdfj;fjd;fjsdkf
bilioes mom wants
want s
she would hit me all
the time
my dad knows this
i think she killed her first kid acutally.
i have no proof of this.
but she did shit to me.
i wish something ki
kekpt me.
i dnt to get this drap
out. she would s
say . like you like touching me.
and then slap me.
I would lo like to see her in jail
o b be honest
But ia m t tired of disappointement.
i am s ci k out if
ikeep thining taht that
eveyone kcan here my thoughts.
that everyone can here her say
to me shit
like i am good
and you are bad.
shit like this.
i have a lot of dialogue going
on all t e
i keep thining she is over my shoulder
or bilie and meri.
they dont give a shit.i
if only.
i neede dad.
he is day. gay
i felt aweful and responsible for him.
I feel like i forced myself to listen.
and then
that is waht i that is why my
thoughts or i am i fraked out
i dont know who to
taolk to talk to
and i dont want anyone to care?
But someone has to care.
but i dont want to care for them
They are useless. I hate this
I am not responsible. but i have to keep this
inside me?
i can fuck this up. I dont want this.
I wish i could d o something.
hate ti it to keep
it all good/ quiet
I turn to eat.
I eat for them. All of them!
I AM JEALOUS.
I WANT TO BE A MAN.
giglgling ffrom them.
they would always make sure that i didnt understand
what was going on.
hypnosis would
ge . i dont know.
but i dont want yes i d io
want. i wish i could erally beat the crap out
of me.
iand then i could be free.
bilie get s it all.
who cares about goran.?
eifht. sdfjklg;klfjddjkl;sdfdf
i dont want to know you kay?
not a father
kay , dont want nothing.
id ont know hwo i eill rusvive.
ihate this.
you are sick bozna.
i cant even look at you
i think this my mmight be
a lazy thing. ti sint want
dick. by you came by and took me
from my mom. and
it si all histlry.
o i remmber this.
they is why they say bozna is wonderful.
i siw wishi could sue them
please law,mb call me.
work work.
billie wants to g be gay. i think. i have to trust my intiuition. i dont' know who i am . my dad wont let me.
i am supposed to eat. i am running out of food. and i dont want to go to a food bank.
Sorry. what are you sorry for?
Am not gay. but i am. i am confused.
I wish life was easier.
I hookded up with a guy last
nig
SMACK!
thenre is bozna hitting me.
I cannot think. or feel.
I have hard-time wanting.
My sperm-donor. I feel sorry for him.
Why?
Dont . his parents made me feel sick.
I all i remember is stuffing myself .
And....
i dont want to run . but i am like a child in
ways. I dont know my problems. All i know is to die.
My dad. Wouldn't want him to know.
Why is that?
He cares about himself. He doesnt
want to know me
and so . i think and think. i dont want to
look at him. i could have sex. i just dont know if i should.
i was going to to to to chru church.
. i am lost. i lost my feelings.
i keep thinking. and
it doesnt hurt i t jus
he is gay. and is violent!
And we all know worna. isnt.
And i dont want my family.
i dont want you.
And i am scared what if this doesnt
work?
and then
I TRY. i just wanted th
stuff. marshall. isnt here.
love you man.
i dont know who to talk to.
i know i need to feeel. but it
is so fuvking hard. i have a two year old with me
and three year old. and
then i stopped talking.
i turned into him. i feel like they tried ...putting
me into him. like we changed bodyies.
i feel like i dont know who i my dad
is . or mom.
they are dumb. i feel like leaving now and
going to dwon walk downtown.
It's tuff. work doing this all the time .
i n eeed shit from then.
It d wont make sense to people .
I have my mown thera
pist. i have
to be all ti o
me. and it isnt muf. i wans t dick
but. i dont know if it m my oe or g bilie's
. dont know who they are.
They hated me. and they got a way with
everything.
I don't know with. lauwyer.s
will help.
i wish thust could havppen
I want tikil to kow know what a lous
y famlly
he has to r trust bilie.
Isnt that somehting?
He cant trust me. I tried telling him
MY dad is gay. But they wuold say
no your dad is gay!
They ceep teling vepthing this
over and ove. i was so comnfued
my grandparetns laughed.
I have no home
I hate this. I cant look at myself
in the mirror.
Yet i am handsome.
I have no body.
It feels like a woman's body.
I dont want sugar.
Stupid. KNows they did stuff.
He wants to be a important to me.
Fuck him! I am 42.
She doesnt want this.
My brother either.
this is friggin tiring.
24 hours a day.
NOt kill and not kill thyself.
over OVER OVER OVER.
i Hve no one. I can make friends.
I dont want to give a phont of myself
and. i dont own a computer.
I am tried of givn in. to
all this shit.
i cant seperate myself from my uncle
and his sickness.
I nkow he is gay.
But. i have attraction to men.
I not happy .
And i look at guy's crotches.
I am relieved that the guy last night; jesse.
He didnt do anything about my flirting a bit.
I know he is gay.
The guys here in Toronto are very attractive.
Hard for me to compete. I dont know why i care , really.
But they are well-dressed. I am sure guys are good-looking
around the globe , i shouldnt just say this town.
I am feeling lonely. pissed-off. and i dont know
who to talk to. So i talk to me.
I like to het get easier. I love sex. I wish i culd have
sex. I am afraid of becoming a girl.
My dad / his family did a lot to me.
;sdjf;jfas;ja;fjafdjk
you will kill someone gora.
no thiat.
why couljd i get ganyr ejlsi m o movie
i need family.
n es toronot.
odf di wih i could touch a
gomean ?
i dont nkow who is a gomel and h
wgho i s i m enc
cius of cikd ?
dit i geive in . i give in .
i given in i give i ing vie
i hope you lose it all kril
i do.
dfjas;fj;ja;fjad;fjd;fj
dont want tosee him. his
his penis.
i dont want it in mye
mouth.
plawe help me.
i dont want this.
sdfjkad;f i jkkldddd
they forced me to have se.x
i dont know my gender.
sd;fjkf;d towo ye
asrs old
ui have a learning diesorder
i have s;dfha;f thisdf;s adfdfsdf lonelibnees
a he liked laughing all the
they all do.
they are dhit.
i dont want this.
i dont want to commite anything.
i on do di how
do i live?
how.
i AM CONfused are you agy gay goran?
says meri.
laughs at me.
i couldnt
speak.
they would tell me
that . . all i remember is staring at his crotch.
i hate it!
but i couldnt speak
only eat.
Where the hell are my dad and mom?
freaks!
all of em!
whatever. you are not
in me.
you are n i kill you kiril
you want my crother. do die.
but you want me to heal him
and his family.
if only God can have me rake in money from this...
s;dfj;sdfj;fjd;fjsdkf
bilioes mom wants
want s
she would hit me all
the time
my dad knows this
i think she killed her first kid acutally.
i have no proof of this.
but she did shit to me.
i wish something ki
kekpt me.
i dnt to get this drap
out. she would s
say . like you like touching me.
and then slap me.
I would lo like to see her in jail
o b be honest
But ia m t tired of disappointement.
i am s ci k out if
ikeep thining taht that
eveyone kcan here my thoughts.
that everyone can here her say
to me shit
like i am good
and you are bad.
shit like this.
i have a lot of dialogue going
on all t e
i keep thining she is over my shoulder
or bilie and meri.
they dont give a shit.i
if only.
i neede dad.
he is day. gay
i felt aweful and responsible for him.
I feel like i forced myself to listen.
and then
that is waht i that is why my
thoughts or i am i fraked out
i dont know who to
taolk to talk to
and i dont want anyone to care?
But someone has to care.
but i dont want to care for them
They are useless. I hate this
I am not responsible. but i have to keep this
inside me?
i can fuck this up. I dont want this.
I wish i could d o something.
hate ti it to keep
it all good/ quiet
I turn to eat.
I eat for them. All of them!
I AM JEALOUS.
I WANT TO BE A MAN.
giglgling ffrom them.
they would always make sure that i didnt understand
what was going on.
hypnosis would
ge . i dont know.
but i dont want yes i d io
want. i wish i could erally beat the crap out
of me.
iand then i could be free.
bilie get s it all.
who cares about goran.?
eifht. sdfjklg;klfjddjkl;sdfdf
i dont want to know you kay?
not a father
kay , dont want nothing.
id ont know hwo i eill rusvive.
ihate this.
you are sick bozna.
i cant even look at you
i think this my mmight be
a lazy thing. ti sint want
dick. by you came by and took me
from my mom. and
it si all histlry.
o i remmber this.
they is why they say bozna is wonderful.
i siw wishi could sue them
please law,mb call me.
work work.
I hate this. I cant go on this .
I cant live in that apt.
hter ther is no way.
sugar.
ealve . sot you. ao nter. and I feel
good.
I as was never bad. bozna.
aht I . shit.
I cant see your.
m family.
my mom doesn't want to know
she is d cik in that way.
I cant homyeat.
I ave to hurry.
now I ast. I and htat m
tyou dic p cotl you pants
down. and see id you would like that
and then my bro. is that. video
od that o don't dk t de s
look doe a job
I cant live in that apt.
hter ther is no way.
sugar.
ealve . sot you. ao nter. and I feel
good.
I as was never bad. bozna.
aht I . shit.
I cant see your.
m family.
my mom doesn't want to know
she is d cik in that way.
I cant homyeat.
I ave to hurry.
now I ast. I and htat m
tyou dic p cotl you pants
down. and see id you would like that
and then my bro. is that. video
od that o don't dk t de s
look doe a job
i don't know what happened.
iht wanted to have sex.
I just thought , this is what boys t do.
I didn't want to piss off billie.
I wanted some things.
I didn't want to play.
that is it. I miss my dad .
but I don't know me.
he doesn't want to do this. I
don't wa nt to know .
sdjd;al
I dont' know my memories.
All I know is bilie's is a cunt.
that is it. I turned into them.
And I don't know how to t get it back.
I just wanted to beef o. My t may not speak to me
again.
I may have wanted too much.
just letting out.
iht wanted to have sex.
I just thought , this is what boys t do.
I didn't want to piss off billie.
I wanted some things.
I didn't want to play.
that is it. I miss my dad .
but I don't know me.
he doesn't want to do this. I
don't wa nt to know .
sdjd;al
I dont' know my memories.
All I know is bilie's is a cunt.
that is it. I turned into them.
And I don't know how to t get it back.
I just wanted to beef o. My t may not speak to me
again.
I may have wanted too much.
just letting out.
i hate this. I don't know where I fit in.
I have only feelings. and I see my dad. and then
I do what he wants. And then I eat . Then they laugh at me.
"What the hell does this have to do with penis fixation ?
I look at guys , down there.
I don't know what to do.
I am not. But I don't want to mess up my chances of being loved!
I just wanted love . But then I turn in to this kid.
Like I have to give ( TRIGGER WARNING
TRIGGER WARNING)
fellatio. I feel jealous that men , had great upbringings.
Had a girlfriend.
I didn't have any of this. I know it a poor me , thing.
But I am so exhausted. I eat , when I feel angry , lonely.
Alone. Fear. All of it! I hate I this.
I didn't want to put it in my own blog.
I hate this.
"what would you like us to do ? "
nothing. I just want love. I just don't want sex.
And that isn't true , just not my man. I
don't want to offend anyone.
I don't know. I am sorry for being. putting
here. My dad doesn't do anything now, yea.
I just feel embarrassed. I don't want to be nude.
and I haven't . had any. I am scared and wanting/needing
affection. I am working on a lot.
I am in a gay man's support group in Toronto and I didn't know
I was in it. And so it triggered me getting an invitation to
talk. I hate it that , I don't have any idea on how to be
a man. And that I have to have sex. (old teaching).
While stupid , cousin laughs , b/c she wont accept her dad
being gay. So in comes me!
Just angry at the moment. I am eating. I am smarter than
this. I could use friendship ....but these issues .
Thanks and got to go for now.
I just. wanted you. I wanted my dad. but then he
also did stuff. and then I numbed . and I forgot everything.
She sould do stuff like. yell and then put blankets over me.
So I wouldn't remember. pyscho. I hadn't have mom.
And billi'es mom laughed. all the time.
Stupid has me drop my pants to laugh at me. That isn't good
parenting. "he is a faggot! a faggot!" they c ek kept
saying. diont want to eat. what . feel
I don't want to envision th s ffod or this.
Where was he? "who cares about goran "?
What the fuck should I canre about you. Why dhouls I care?
Dumb!! his and his wife. di don't know who my mom is.
Truthfully
. I just wanted to be boy.!
NOt huer " you got to be like us!" you are my boyd!
go fuck yourself.
demons.
got to t this isn't as gr
I am ruishing.
I got pizza in my head. oh , I never had pizza in a long time.
I deserve a treat. I put on al ot of weight .
bc/c of I not kow my identity. I cant reply to posts on here
b/c I have so much conversations in my head.
I hate this!
this is hard. I am scared of bilie. idont want to meb be
. they "hurry" everyone is knowing you are gay!.."
I ate fast. I hju h urried . I dndi I didn't understand
what was happening. my dad knows , he l plays lke
he doesn't. so what do ihave
injuries ?
I hate this shit!
I have only feelings. and I see my dad. and then
I do what he wants. And then I eat . Then they laugh at me.
"What the hell does this have to do with penis fixation ?
I look at guys , down there.
I don't know what to do.
I am not. But I don't want to mess up my chances of being loved!
I just wanted love . But then I turn in to this kid.
Like I have to give ( TRIGGER WARNING
TRIGGER WARNING)
fellatio. I feel jealous that men , had great upbringings.
Had a girlfriend.
I didn't have any of this. I know it a poor me , thing.
But I am so exhausted. I eat , when I feel angry , lonely.
Alone. Fear. All of it! I hate I this.
I didn't want to put it in my own blog.
I hate this.
"what would you like us to do ? "
nothing. I just want love. I just don't want sex.
And that isn't true , just not my man. I
don't want to offend anyone.
I don't know. I am sorry for being. putting
here. My dad doesn't do anything now, yea.
I just feel embarrassed. I don't want to be nude.
and I haven't . had any. I am scared and wanting/needing
affection. I am working on a lot.
I am in a gay man's support group in Toronto and I didn't know
I was in it. And so it triggered me getting an invitation to
talk. I hate it that , I don't have any idea on how to be
a man. And that I have to have sex. (old teaching).
While stupid , cousin laughs , b/c she wont accept her dad
being gay. So in comes me!
Just angry at the moment. I am eating. I am smarter than
this. I could use friendship ....but these issues .
Thanks and got to go for now.
I just. wanted you. I wanted my dad. but then he
also did stuff. and then I numbed . and I forgot everything.
She sould do stuff like. yell and then put blankets over me.
So I wouldn't remember. pyscho. I hadn't have mom.
And billi'es mom laughed. all the time.
Stupid has me drop my pants to laugh at me. That isn't good
parenting. "he is a faggot! a faggot!" they c ek kept
saying. diont want to eat. what . feel
I don't want to envision th s ffod or this.
Where was he? "who cares about goran "?
What the fuck should I canre about you. Why dhouls I care?
Dumb!! his and his wife. di don't know who my mom is.
Truthfully
. I just wanted to be boy.!
NOt huer " you got to be like us!" you are my boyd!
go fuck yourself.
demons.
got to t this isn't as gr
I am ruishing.
I got pizza in my head. oh , I never had pizza in a long time.
I deserve a treat. I put on al ot of weight .
bc/c of I not kow my identity. I cant reply to posts on here
b/c I have so much conversations in my head.
I hate this!
this is hard. I am scared of bilie. idont want to meb be
. they "hurry" everyone is knowing you are gay!.."
I ate fast. I hju h urried . I dndi I didn't understand
what was happening. my dad knows , he l plays lke
he doesn't. so what do ihave
injuries ?
I hate this shit!
Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to find the healthiest crutch for the time being. If it's becoming too hard, find something that will ease the pain but keep you present.
I know some may not agree. But at the stage you're in...
Crutches help you walk sometimes, you know? But they can also leave scars from overuse. So keep present.
I know some may not agree. But at the stage you're in...
Crutches help you walk sometimes, you know? But they can also leave scars from overuse. So keep present.
