i love you

[Sterling]

last night I went to an ER room at a hospital.
The nurse that attended to me in the smaller room...
I started laughing every time I looked at her.
I was like a little boy.
I was giddy, ; it was embarrassing.
I couldn't look at her. I was shy.
I told her that I was nervous.
I just wanted her.
Her name is Sarah. I have never felt this in my life.
I thought of wanting to see her , or ask her out for coffee.
But I think I have to respect that this isn't acceptable..
I have a friend , who is a psych health nurse at this hospital.
But haven't spoken to her about it.
I don't know what else to say.
I never had a girlfriend.
I never want to forget what I felt, how I felt.
It was amazing!
I went for coffee with a female friend of mine just minutes ago.
I know I have mental problems.
I see my aunt wanting me to fight women.
I hate this. don't know how I will get there.
Know I will!
I don't want to look at men. not hating men.
I can accept men being handsome, attractive , confident.
I have to allow everything.
I needed a friend.
I have never had a friend.
Needed a male friend.
I hate my dad for this. Hate that I struggle...or accept what
he did for him. he wanted to feel loved and to be this great guy. He did by stealing my needs. - a dad and to allow me to develop friends. Male friends.
I am so ashamed for him. and his family.
I am an intelligent guy , but you can tell my writing that I am in grade 1 or kindergarten .
t.v. was a way to keep me from feeling.
Everything...I hate it that I need to feel, talk that my mind
will see me eating a cookie.
and then...I am moments from baking.
I deserve to have a girlfriend.
I feel bad for availing my self to men and men on malesurvivor.
Sorry. I love you guys. my dad and his sister. used
me to learn to love penis. to stare. and this was a habit of mine. I think I am about to be in puberty.
it is embarrassing but I have to go thru.
I am scared of getting to close to guys.
B/c I can make my self into unhealthy situations.
Never want to be apologetic to my brother and the rest.
I hate that I cant love my dad. don't k. now.
I get acerfd of gay. they beat me up and I couldn't
feel. so I am still beating me up and hated me and others
for my cousins.
My mom would, will never worry. hmm not sure.
but she doesn't get the damage my grandparents did to me psychologically.
I wish I could feel my body. I get thinky when I see myself in the mirror. I felt like I had a sex change for my dad.
I don't know if my body can develop. I have fear around people thinking of me.
Always laughing at me. Very scared of women.
But Sarah...I have never seen this before.
I thank you guys so much for you help.
I hate you for not caring. - to my step father.
because of you . I am living my childhood , preteen..teen
now decades later!
Please give applause to Malesurvivor.
for allowing me to grow!!
hugs,
G

 

[Sterling]

anyway, last night in the hot tub ....handsome guy across me.
" he is a nice guy...go for him goran.
he wants you"
don't listen to that...
what do you want?
a dad.
he isn't he!
Why would my dad want to do that ? Why would he hit me so much and then feed me so I cant speak?
Very ill.
yea.
I don't want sex. I just wanted love
Don't want to mix the 2.
I feel near nautious . I have a hard time going to the washroom. he hated me and wouldn't let me talk.
Now I suffer. you want to ?
no. what do you want?
goran you have to be honest!
I don't want him. I needed a friend.
Nobody lied me. and am scared to be like my uncle.
They said I like boys. I like looking at boys.
I don't want to . Maybe you have no choice!
Fuck you!
I don't want you listen to that. you can lhve your billie
and you aren't my dad.
mom doesn't have to care. I care!
I am not having sex with men.
Unless it ....ont . o own t let .
this. done to me anymore.
you can have sex with men!
you and zoran.
enjoy. I hope smila catches you wanting sex with men.
Cant come to goran enimore!

Wait.
no!
go away.

G

 

[Sterling]

you watch goran.
billie
watch hom.
make sure he cant talk.
amtv.
don't want t.v.
tro. tell my story.
ineed out.
don't want to see myself doing
I will get sick
I don't want
6 3 6 9 10 e rly
th now.
take me to the bedroom
80. 19 80
sound
nee out
I don't want to see goran
getting raped.
please help me god
how will I get thru this.
don't want to eat
dontw ant to eat
this is scary
to my bory
thoughts aren't yours!
no don't want sugar
give that you .
you and zorna or your brother and fuck
each other
. my disoreder is b/c of you.
not me
I am not stupid.
youi tell this. and beat me
your brother is heavily suicidal
she tells me I am gay
every tiem I sleep.
she . says
I see her smiling
to the side
your mokjm tells me ts she is my real mom.
you allowed.
you can now goodl gay porn.
you can go to jared and tell him how you want to kisss him
and yo want televeiosion and that yo can't speak
you are not allowed to feel
act out karil
acne get out of me
I will change my anme and never tell you.
I will never speak to you again.
your wife is weak.
I am strong and getting sr stronger.
I can slow down an dbreaher
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
and I am not the gay one
YOU ARE
1
an d you have to keep your secret forver
. I am nota loser
you are
and you are petty
you need food.
dovenjenja
work
you . go to work
I will never remember
you cant focus
you will lose.
feel what?
wdd thits
I don't want to know
who looks like a woman
I dontwant to leisten
to anyone anymore
I will
only listen to my therapist.
if and when I sleep
it will be with not you. not any of you.
and youcan now tyupe the porn
and you can put voices back into your brian
and enver come near me
you will die
and I wont.
not yet.
you are such a piece of a shit
realyy
terrible
. too bad
you are such a loser.

 

[Sterling]

don't what is I tyope fast and don't get it
they you ah have to sturs tyou
soyu suck your things.
sick
accept being gay
already.
have to eat...
wish I could rip I n your shreds.
you are not sorry
you are happy bozo.
you are happy and so Is oran.
all of you.
forgive us already!!!!

 

[petercorbett]

TEXAS greetings, G.

I'm celebrating national Gay coming out of the closet day.
Very proud of who & what I always was. It has taken me 76 years to come out fully. It all started way back in '09 at a WoR at Alta, Utah. It's taken me years of therapy to finally come to Gay terms with myself.

So, my Canadian brother/friend i'm still here for you & always will be.
Glad you are letting off steam about those terrible things that happened to you as a young boy.

Accept along with your inner child just who & what you truly are emotionally, mentally straight or Gay.
Be proud of who you truly are & celebrate it.

Take, care my Canadian brother/friend.

As always you have from the depths of my heart & soul my compassion, understanding, love & hope.

Pete..Irishmoose.

 

[Sterling]

Y'know Peter , you have always been very supportive and loving!
Thanks a lot!

I don't want to let myself think I am gay.
BUT!!
I like guys. I do. I love men's asses. I love athletic men.
I love men with beards. I love men who are masculine!
I am good-looking. But b/c I cared of how my mom thought.
I put on a lot of weight!
And I even got pissed off at her last week. Letting her now
how I felt. To her and my brother.
She said I was too skinny. And so I slowly put on weight.
She then says to me "just eat 3 square meals a day"
"no! Keep quiet , I am not listening you anymore!!"
I have a small dick!
Which , I let get in the way of getting to know a guy.
There is this guy at the gym. But haven't seen him.
I hate having man boobs!
Grosses me out!! So now I cant date a guy with a nice ass
b/c mine isn't as nice ; as it used to be!
It sucks I had to go through all this.
Y'know my aunt is fucking idiot!
And my dad forced me over there. I will never have the love
I needed. NEVER!! hating myself....constantly pissed off!
I am aware now , when my moods change from calm, and happy
to alone and destroyed ...is b/c I let my dad get in my head.
His voice, his face.
One memory that surfaced the other day ....is he has no self-
confidence...he hated his parents.
He kept me awsy...and then I wanted to stand up for myself
he would push me down , laughing!
"Goran when you gonna come and visit??"
never!
so. I will never say that is my dad.
I will change my name , first and last.
I hope I get my dream and get to move.
Hopefully out of North America.
Am tired of so much stuff here!!!
It is getting cold here in Wpg, 7 degrees Celsius today.
I am always proud of my mentor; when sharing with our group llast year after a friend of mine got jumped and beaten!
I was so upset. He supported our friend , but then adding
"can you imagine what those guys went through that they have to bbehave that way?
I learned even if my life sucks. I still walk. I still can
appreciate the air, the sun, the skies, the nice people I meet.
The online groups. I still am alive.
And I care. I love it that I am not alone.
But I am angry. And have every right.
But you wont see me again!!!
And I wont be special. I can now talk. And I can get angry
all I want. and it feels good!
I wont kill.
But your brother is a pusssy and so are you.
And zoran.
love you guys never.
Never see you again.
Anyway, I need a boyfriend.
And maybe he can spell gay all the time.
Like they forced me when I was 2.
Fuckin disgusting people.
Sorry to smila she will never see me.
If you wonder why start asking questions..
help the kids in your culture, in every culture.
No more sick parents, would be a nice beginning for all of us.
Enjoy your day Peter and everyone.
Thanks for everything and more!!!

Goran

 

[Sterling]

so where are you ril.
you have them .
do you like your self?
teacher . touch his face.
touch his penis.
touch him.
no!
I want goran
I want tog goran to be me
goran is special!
the thin
then I don't have to make sense
as typing
I just have to be me.
. that is it.
I hate it that I am gay. and yet I yearn for a ow woman to love.
it is too fucking sick!
nyway.
why don't yo goran
why don't you change your name?
no money!
o . I miss you zoran. but will never visit
cant forgive . h ow do I live with myself. ?
who are you? not you. not dad. nor shtme.
he cant hear you.
nobody can.
HAHAHHHHHAHAHHAHA
hate the word cheech. not uncle
she hates. I don't want to be on the floor. I am not dumb!
God PLEASE help me....
need someone . cant look at my self.
they own you goran. . t ehy thy cant.
why cant I I win??
Where are the guys. in
my life.
why cant I have anyone?

 

[Sterling]

goran I skool.
yea.
so keep moving.
howcome nobody wants to talk to goran billie?
you are such a cunt!
sorry to the women here.
eniway.
I need a b oyfriend.
I just don't want to be a woman.
my dad is a fuckin loser!
he turned me into a toy.
int. way
just want me now
I would like friends.
but . that is
good
I can turn it off
now.
alright
gman is fre
1 coll
ceat don't.
don't talk goran
fuck yo!
you are my dad.
.....
.. no.
you are ny you . father
you are duch and idoit
your brother wants to have sex t I.
nme and you don't give a fuck
fuck
I haet this
1
wisihf what
need music
talk later
fuck this blowees
workshiop on how to kil
. the y you. foo. and go where you need to
I am not doing shit to anyone.
fuck fereaks

 

[Sterling]

you are not allowed to look at me.
don't want to remember.
1990.
give up then!
work.
I don't want to.
you need money!
I know.
goran nk moy.
boy an ct me ba boy.
I will never trust you.
tell someone else your shit!
zoran I am so sorry. they hated me and hated you.
and they have me hate you and mum.
sugar. f sugar
fuckin sugar that I sa all I get it
for all this shit!!

thanks
g

 

[Sterling]

this is bullshit!
you have to listen.
(pulling my hair.)
Thompson sucked!
no way! never.
how will you make income?
need something. mom cant help you.
kaz . is cool!
thanks for the offer.
don't kwno if that is what I like.
he hates you know.
I miss zoran. I wish I had my brother.
why are syou ne naice.naive
why! youi ace my eme you mom lasn sjute
thanks
G

 

[Sterling]

sorry to this fuy guy here
I hate this. I cant help others on here.
Y?

I am frustrated I have so many b voices
I catnt undert understand.
wish I had fh. don't want to know I him
he wants me to have sex
I don't wan t to have sex.
I feel like I cn bring someone down.
I ow worry about this.
I d was told goran has
to be a woman.
so . this is why I am pissed off!
But this doesn't mean you cant contribute on here!
Right! Got chya.
........

 

[Sterling]

. don't hae this.
cant m y name this sucks. get back to me.
don't want to know yo your name.
hateed me. I hated me. no more cant stand that mnea I have to change it
I think I how do you change your
name the first ione
too awekward.
sometimes I wisih I could jump off and .
you abandoned me
d ont know how I will do this.
kay goran that is enuf!
you cant them. oh
I dnt you them
I don't want to remember his face
or my brothers actually.
don't hawve to.
feels good to offer compliments to others.
really does.
just takes to time to heal.
have to be patient ei with myself and others
I need to be . ths quick thought
of mbiiies dad. he fucked me up
whly shit!
is is too fast inmy
don't touch my hand
don't. you are notmy dad
take yourself to pizza and uglinees
I am tires of being fat
go away.
go fuck bilie!

G

 

[Sterling]

I didn't know that.
why do I v m y s e ca
I nded a d ad.
this is so ar. d . go home
fuck yo no one cares goran.
I care. I don't wnt t . them.
mom I am so sorry bilies mom wont let me have you
she wont let me go near you
she doesn't like you
and they still talk to me
in me. and your husband has sex with me a nd I tried
telling you but ou you wouldn't listen
you. wo I have to lives to I listn
I don't want to be in the movies
wh she o would put a knife I my hand and tell me
and the tell me this si is what you do
you lk kill people
. stupid!
nobody cares about you goran.
you have to listen!
YOU HAVE TO LISTEN
.

 

[Sterling]

another. day.
got some free clothes.
have ideas but need a little cash.
"where you gonna get some?"
That is the tiring part.
. I want my to my at my . self
. not thing about his.
. not making the world. do what they want
sick!
.yea . I wish I could see you now. holmy.
bye.
G

 

[Sterling]

don't want yo.
I hate this.
I love helping guys.
but sometimes. I lose.
love of mep ineed them.
seent . you nce you who are you.
. . sn t ome I mhave to hav these
voices.
he used to call me dumb an dfuck the sht. of myue
my sperm donor he. not my dad.
and I am so fcking stuff.
stuf on dt now you
fucrk tay. no on
you can tell myer you fuck off.
I wsl my thog be this mgfuy
I don't want you are m
I mant be you.
thasnk for niothg zoran.
thanks. just wante d50bucks.
dotn. don't wknwoa them
my I wi dd. dd addad
wish.

 

[Sterling]

you want them.
I hate concentrating.
what do you mean?
. I don't know how to be.
I don't know who I am .
hate these voices.
they mean. they maen. stupf tna then I love my
concentration.
mymom was raped I think she told me I didn't know whot ato
do.dont
want to be you.
enver you are so sicl.
sugar.you suck
right back you.
loneliness is tough.
whol crap.
crap ara d fd
c I

 

[Sterling]

. schiz
"goran you cant.
suddenly food
then I have this g thoughts
and my aunt o comes in/
"you cant have . mom' you canta have
this sucks mno matter what I s will stay like this.
I have no family
and I hate it that my escape is eating.
I eat wel
I saw banana bread , had 8 slices.
I feel so embararasssed. I am told to stop and fel
feel what? ugliness. worry
anger. depression they would like this.
perhaps I should eat more.
you would like this.
I am so angry
I wish I never was alive.
it doesn't take much.
a thought.
"you have been good , you deserve a cookie or this fod.
fuck!
I hate my bfrain.
why cant they eat?
no matter what I will suffer.
choice.
I hate this.
sd;lfjksd;fljf;f
dfadkl;faf;fjkladlf
sdsdfjkl;salfjsa;fs
fsdfdlakfjad;flafa

 

[Sterling]

kaz.
no.
he is married. forget that
y'know I wish I could fucking beat the shit out of you.
I have had no friends. no identity.
you kept me away. you took me away from mom.
I hope I call the cops and fucking get something done.
I am tired of having to eat instead of taking care of me.
I really hate you. you are absolute fucking garbage.
I don't know how you zoran and mum ...well mom she is a bit moron like. but the rest of you. don't care.
if it wasn't my friends at ipa , ms. I don't want to think
about it. I wouild love to see you.
and dig a hole in the ground with you head.
.... draw penises and laugh at billie . .
not happening.. I get fat , get skinny. get muscular
I hated me. I didn't hate me you. you I hated.
and I hate t.v. I thought I was Jason vorhees , Freddie kruger mike myers. I thought I was satan b/c of you.
no you don't know. you are a fag , a pussy.
I know there is no way I will have sex with a woman , but you are a shitty human. fucking loser. . how you live with yourself. is beyond me
I hate it that you actually had sperm to bring me here.
I would love to cut your nuts off and shove it down your throat.
you and your wife and the other pussy in London Ontario.
if god is good do something right for me already get me some fcking cash so I can heal my body since welfare doesn't give a shit. even when I want to pay them. this sucks to have no one to talk to. and to feel better I will say I deserve a cookie. you prick. you should binge eat you and zoran and that cunt billie and her butch sister.
fuck 120 bucks. change that crap name goran k. to . jb.
.. this is shit. why cant god give me the right to beat the shit out of all of you.
I guess some sickies get it all!

 

[Severe stammer]

Take care m8
You must be going through a hard time at the moment ,ive had my explosions but not as bad these days as im getting the right help and support .
If you want to chat just message me m8 x

 

[Sterling]

Will do Severe stammer!!

Thanks , I will bring my baseball bat - and we can pound the
hell of our abusers together.
That felt guuuud!
Enjoy your day!

Goran