I love Myself.

The day I let go was the day I got back more that I could handle. Letting go was freedom for me, loosing myself in my soul was freedom. Freedom allowed me to look into myself and let me see the person I really was. All these years I had hid that person behind a mask. My real self was the confident and loving person living underneath my guard. My guard was the one that gave me an obscure look at reality, it was my doubt, my regret, my hate, my self pity, my self consiousness. I learnt that not everyone was out to harm me, and that not everyone knew my business. My past is my past, my present is my present, and my future is in my hands. I can choose to get up tommorrow and be sad and depressed or I can choose to wake up tommorow with vigor in life and a new understanding that ultimately I decide my own fate. It's easier to pity yourself and feel depressed than it is to actually make an effort to understand oneself. I learned from my experience that I had loved to feel depressed and sad and I wanted peace but I never took the initiative to change anything because I was waiting for something. Someone told me "What does the world owe you? The truth is it owes me nothing. I owe myself the world though. I thought I was the person the abuse had turned me into but in reality my true self wanted to come out it was screaming to come out that is why I came here. I learned that I wasn't scarred and I wasn't anyless than anyone else but that I had a better understanding of pain and happiness. I know what it's like to hurt and I was tired of hurting. I know how to appreciate the happy moments now. I came out a new person with a deeper understanding of myself , and people, and life. I learned that my life is too precious for me to dwell in pain. You wanna know what set me free?? Was love. Love for myself. Loving myself because I knew I was a good person and nothing could ever take that away from me. Love helped me conquer the demons. You wanna know what love is? It's simple. Love is not a word or a feeling or a certain mood. Love is everything. Loving everything this life has to offer when we are here on Earth. If you can love yourself then you will never be alone. When you hate and pity yourself then you are really alone because you don't even have yourself to turn to. For peace some people turn to god, some turn to relatives, some to animals, some to hobbies, you know what all these things emcompass is love. Love makes the world go around. Silly huh?? Money is what keeps us sheltered but love will conquer anything. Learn to love yourselfs and in turn you will love life. Learn from the abuse that even though things can be horrible there is always room for happiness. It is never too late to let our true selves out and be happy. The abuse doesn't have to stay with you forever if you don't let it . It will only eat away at your soul. Don't let it run you. Take this moment to listen to yourself and figure out what you want in this life. Realize what you want and then take the proper steps to get there. Learn from the abuse who you really are. Yes it happened it sucks but you are still alive and doing well. Enjoy the rest of your life. I guess this letter goes out more to those folks that still haven't dealt with it. Believe when I say you can deal with it and be happy. I'm 21 only. Seems crazy huh? I know I'm not that old but it only takes a second to realize the truth.. My life sucked but I am making every effort to make something of myself with the person I really am and not letting the abuse control my every action. Remember when I said I was waiting for something. I was waiting for me to do something with myself for me to reinforce my thought pattern. In the blink of an eye I finally saw the light of my life. I know this might not be the most “articulate” letter and I probably didn't even use that word in the right context but you don't have to be a rocker scientist to understand yourself and the potential you are capable of to conquer this world of pain. It's really simple actually. We don't have to get all technical to understand ourselves. Love is simple not complicated. Start speaking with your heart instead of your brain and then you will see who you really are. It's funny the things that'll come out when you don't have your ego getting in your way. I'm not saying tell everyone your life story just be yourself with the knowledge that you are a good person who had bad things happen to them. People like sympathetic, humble, honest people. Treat yourself how you would want others to treat you. There is soo much I want to say and I know that all of us have different views about recovery and I just wanted to share this experience with everyone. I can now say I am truly and very happy with life and how it's going and I know I will be able to conquer anything that lies ahead because I have found love and I have found myself again and I'm happy to be back. I missed me. =-)

The words here are all right.

time is never time at all
you can never ever leave without leaving a piece of you
and our lives are forever changed
we will never be the same
the more you change the less you feel
believe, believe in me, believe
that life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
we're not the same, we're different tonight
tonight, so bright
tonight
and you know you're never sure
but you're sure you could be right
if you held yourself up to the light
and the embers never fade in your city by the lake
the place where you were born
believe, believe in me, believe
in the resolute urgency of now
and if you believe there's not a tonight
tonight, so bright
tonight
we'll crucify the insincere tonight
we'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
we'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
the indescribable moments of your life tonight
the impossible is possible tonight
believe in me as i believe in you, tonight

[ November 15, 2001: Message edited by: auggie ]

 

Auggie,

You are very wise for your twenty-one years, my friend! You are embracing life and taking control of your own destiny.... Moreover, it sounds as though you have come to know and love yourself. This is probably one of the most important things in life...and many of us have struggled years to get there.

Thank you for your very upbeat, positive, and inspiring post. Wow!

Don

 

[Just Call me J]

Hey guys!

I should be crawling into bed right now, but after reading Auggie's post... holy shit man, that was fucking amazing!

As if your ideas weren't already cool, you ended it with Smashing Pumpkins lyrics!

I am not feeling articulate either tonight, but you put into words what has been on my mind a lot in the last few months. Why does everyone make love such a hard thing? It's pretty simple, and all good things come from it.

Case in point: against all good judgement, I am involved in an intimate relationship with my "lesbian friend"/roommate. Hey Urso, what was the name we decided for her? "Cathy"?

Anyway, I'm floating in a fog of warm fuzziness that is entirely new to me. In all my 27 years, I've never had a relationship before. And I've always been stressed that I wouldn't know what to do in a relationship, because I've never been in one before, thereby ruining said relationship. I've only kissed 3 girls before, and never on more than a handful of occasions.

Imagine my own surprise, when I gave into my feelings for her, and kissed her on Nov 1. Imagine my greater surprise, when she returned it! And imagine my satisfaction when I realized many hours later, that I felt completely natural doing something enjoyable with a woman that I love. Experience, shmexperience.

We haven't gone all the way to intercourse (and probably will not for some time). I've got the obvious issues, and well, she is after all still into girls. But we have enjoyed each others' company, and have made out for hours on end like a couple of teenagers (so THAT'S what I was missing out on...).

Having her by my side is what is going to get me through all this shit. I found that I am now seeing some of the side effects of my shrouded past. Weird behaviors that I never knew about, because I've never been confronted by them before. And I'm a bit antsy, since the reality of my issues are making themselves very apparent. All that courage I claimed in my early posts has drifted back to the ether from whence it came. And my first impulse again, is to hide.

At least I managed to start counseling. The first session was not especially useful, since I was basically trying to recap the past 2 months (which were incredibly event-filled) in the space of an hour. I go back on Dec 7. Hopefully, I can make some realistic headway. I know it's not going to be some magic cure-all, but I've got specific questions on my mind I want to address.

But to echo some sentiments that John/Harry made about the incredible girl he found, it's so amazing to find someone that accepts you for being you; who will be understanding of the times that you are unavailable, due to your past hitting too close; someone that you don't have to hide things from. I have actually found myself questioning from time to time why the hell *I* should be receiving all this love. Surely, I'm not worthy of it. Not me. I've only really felt that way a couple of times, when I've felt overwhelmed by this. And that's when I've allowed myself to feel it all. Unfortuanately, I'm still kind of closed off. Not that I'm not in love with her (which I most certainly am), but I know the warm fuzzies are not the pinnacle of my affection. I still shut off my positive emotions, in an attempt to protect myself from the negative ones.

I'm treading some seriously unfamiliar territory here. But I've got good instincts, I think. And I've got good companions along the journey.

The last month has been especially crazy; I hope that I will begin to have the time to check in here more than once a week, and more importantly that I will be able to post. I haven't had the time, nor energy to write, though my subconscious is gnawing at me because I haven't done it in so long.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

 

[dvf445]

You are seeing exactly what God is really like. He is Love. He accepts us the way we are and realized that if we don't accept ourselves the way we are, we never have the ability to change. You described him wonderfully. He is not about all that religious stuff. He's about loving people like you and me that are searching for Him.

Hang in there and keep your chin up. You sound like you are doing well. Know there are people that do care.