I love being Gay!

[Brayton]

Marc, I apologize for the apparent flippancy.

I actually do hate it in a way sometimes. I am, grateful for a number of things about it, however.

Most of all, I am grateful that I have not experienced confusion about my orientation because of s'xual abuse and/or because of prejudice.

I am grateful for the perspective it has given me on the world that is not shared with most people. Because of the prejudice I have experienced and witnessed I have developed empathy and compassion that I can apply broadly. I really think that there is a gay spirituality. I experience something that seems that anyway.

And I really enjoy the, I don't know what to call it exactly, the comfortablity I feel in the company of men.

(I actually prefer the company of gay women and straight men. I think it is the s'xual advances even the subtle cruising of gay men that I am not comfortable about--too dangerous, too impossible.)

I know that it was the abuse that screwed me up s'xually so that I have never been able to function well intimately. All my s'xual experiences, including when I did not realize this, were triggers and I always felt disoriented and guilty when I experienced arousal.

I finally shut down in terms of s'xual performance. Haven't been able to do anything for several years, haven't wanted to. Part of it is the medication, I know. I was warned about that side effect but also I think it is a natural outcome of conciously seeing how my s'xual experiences are about reliving the abuse.

Because of that I am comfortable not being s'xual. I am uncomfortable when it is wanted from me, expected or demanded. I am glad that I can blame the medication entirely.

But none of that dysfunction is about being gay. Rather it is entirely about the abuse which has nothing to do with being gay.

(Prejudice is abusive but that's a whole 'nother story which I have written about before.)

I guess I have a desire to be s'xual in a healthy way. But that is more like a dream, not even a fantasy. And it makes me sad because it is frought with a knowledge of its impossibility.

I got what I did not deserve and did not get what I deserved.

 

[The Dean]

Thank you Brayton, that is a beautiful note you have written.

I am sure that when you are able to see that abuse is abuse and loving sex is a wonderful gift. It is very normal and safe and a perfectly natural way to express your deep feelings for another man that has stolen your heart. You will be just fine. You deserve today, the kind of caring, loving, and giving relationship that will make your life joyfilled. Building the trust that is needed for that to happen will take some risk, some give and take. But I think in the end, it comes quietly, without a lot of fanfare.

Bob

 

[Pollux]

Thank you guys for sharing your stories. I think what is most important is learning to love who you are and finding people that affirm you!

Thanks again!!

Sean

 

[Commanche]

I would like to say thank you so much for your post it was well put, you explained it very good, I can relate to what you said, I also love being gay too! It just feels right for me to be this way, it is all I ever known. For me, being gay is very special & sacred to me. Thank you for posting, Best Regards, commanche

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I’m not ashamed of being gay. I just don’t act like the stereotype in the media because I am not that way. I’m not in the closet but I also don’t tell everyone that I’m gay because it’s none of their business. I already have to deal with a lot in my daily life that I don’t need homophobes discriminating me and yelling nasty things to me. My dad and aunt refuse to believe that I’m gay just because I don’t talk about designer shoes and wear expensive fashions. And m6 dad doesn’t think gay men like to eat or even will eat garlic and onions because they cause bad breath and all “gay men are obsessed with being neat and clean.” What a bunch of garbage, huh?

 

[Dewey2k]

I am not stereotypical in any way. No one at my workplace had a hint that I might be gay until my partner passed and I had to out myself to get bereavement leave. I didn't hide my sexuality, but I did segregate work from private life, and no one had any reason to suspect. It wasn't germaine to why I was at work, so i never mentioned it.

I live around Phoenix, Arizona, one of the more conservative states in the U.S. Phoenix itself is a college town, and more accepting than the rest of the state. Having said that, I've had a lawyer refuse to represent me because i wanted to defend the copyright of a book I wrote that had gay subject matter. I've had religious people scream at me and tell me i was going to hell. I've been on the receiving end of the usual phobic comments, but I've been lucky enough to avoid any physical confrontations. My family has grudgingly accepted my sexuality, as long as I don't flaunt it.

Am I proud to be gay? Am I proud to have green eyes? For me it's the same question. It's part of who I am, but not all of who I am. There are other things that i have pride in that have nothing to do with personal characteristics.

If one is proud of being gay, the more power to them. I'm happy they find happiness in that part of who they are.

 

[KMCINVA]

I believe everyone has the right to be happy for who they are, we are all born the way we are to be. Happiness cannot be defined by stereotypical labels, rather it comes from within. The brain is a complex organ and influences so much of who we are in life. I am glad you have found the way to be proud and happy with yourself. I know people who put labels on people without understanding so many factors in the other people's lives. It can hurt the person and can put the person in a state of questioning who they are and how they should love and be loved.

We are all born with our orientation, which can be confused by the abuse we lived. This confusion and acts one may act on from this confusion does not determine their orientation, rather it comes from within. With whom to we find intimacy, love, joy, passion and pleasure. For each of us it will be different. My own confusion caused pain, dissociation that were triggered by my environment. Today I am happy and proud of myself for having a woman who understands the past influences behavior, confusion and gives support. The unraveling as I faced the abuse was hard, horrific, scary and the unknown during the fugues unsettling (and today I cannot change what happened, all I can change is avoiding environments that are triggering that push me back to the abuse).

I have friends who have an eclectic group of friends and family. It is wonderful to see how accepting they are of each other. The look at the goodness in the person. There are so many different types of people, new labels evolve (and I believe how they act and their orientation is not new, rather they can live life for who they are. In history many suffered physical and psychological abuse and sadly burying their true identity caused them so much harm).

Thank you for reminding us to be proud for who we are and how we live.

Kevin

 

[SinkBackIntoTheOcean]

i'm not a fan of mainstream gay culture. i don't need anyone teaching me how a gay man is supposed to act & what he's supposed to be into. i like genuinely witty sarcastic campy guys, but i'm not interested in reality tv, celebrity gossip & expendable pop stars. gay people are just people, & too many people are just easily manipulated sheep enslaved by consumerism & superficiality