I lost my childhood and my father

I lost my childhood and my father
O

onlyakid

**possible sadness triggers**
I just got finished watching "Without a trace" (the CBS show) with my mother and step-father. This was the episode where one of the actors learns that his father has kidney disease and has refused treatment, as he is old, has alhemiers and is living in an assisted living complex.

My father had Parkinsons disease and eventually died of liver failure, about 3 years ago, due to the amount of pills he was taking. He knew he was going to die but he never told anyone. I miss him terribly, I never told him what my brother did to me, and I'm sure that he knows now.

He couldn't really be a father to me because of his illness but I know he tried the best he could.

I was in therapy with a specialist in CSA, but he was too far and I couldn't make the schedule work.
I had been looking for a specialist in my area and I did find one but he charges $150 a sesson but doesn't take insurance, which I couldn't afford.

I know if my father was here, he'd do whatever he could to help me. The only way he can do that now, is by me using my inhertience to help with my therapy. So thats what I'm going to do, next week I'll call and make an appointment.

I'm crying right now, and the only other time I can remember doing that is the morning after he died when I woke up and realized he wasn't going to be there anymore.

Dad, I love you, I miss you, I wish you could be here.

Jason
 
cherish the time you had with him,what if he had never been there at all?
 
May I say that I'm sure that your Dad is proud of the man you've become? A man that has the courage to face the pain of recovery?

I'm just about to tell my Father who raised me. He's 74 now.

I was never close to him. He tried to talk to me when I was coming of age, in my young teen years. He tried to ask me what was wrong. I said "NOTHING, LEAVE ME ALONE". I was so ashamed with what I was feeling that I couldn't talk to him.

Now, almost 30 years later, I'm finally ready. I want my life back. Dec, 27th is my disclosure day, wish me luck?
 
Jason,

Adam makes a good point. Cherish the memories you have of him and rely on those to help you. I am sure your Dad would be proud of you now.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hauser,

Good luck tomorrow!! I disclosed to my Dad (age 80) in November and it was great. Little Larry got to say what he could not say four decades ago, and that has made such a difference.

Much love,
larry
 
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