I LIKE MY ANGER, JOY AND SADNESS + A NOTE TO EDDIE
THESE AND OTHER FEELINGS TELL ME I AM ALIVE. THEY TELL ME I AM HUMAN.
I SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE SHUTTING OFF MY ANGER. THE RESULT OF THIS IS THAT IT TOOK ALL OF THE ENERGY I HAD. AT THAT TIME IN MY LIFE I WAS INCAPABLE OF JOY. EVERYTHING WAS ONE COLOR. ANGER,SADNESS, HURT AND FEAR WERE THINGS TO BE SURPRESSED. THIS ROBBED ME OF A LIFE WELL LIVED.
ONE OF THE RESULTS OF NOT ATTENDING TO THIS ANGER IS THAT IT WOULD LEAK OUT IN THINGS LIKE INCONSIDERATIONS, DRIVING FAST, BEING IRRITABLE, WITHDRAWING AND WITHOLDING LOVE.
I FEARED EXPRESSING MY ANGER BECAUSE OF THE DESTRUCTION I MIGHT CAUSE. I SAW MYSELF AS A PEACEFUL PERSON WITHOUT AN ANGRY BONE IN MY BODY. THIS WAS HOW MY MOTHER WANTED ME TO BE.
AS I LEARNED TO COME OUT FROM UNDER MY ROCK AND TO THRIVE IN THIS LIFE I HAD TO GIVE ALL MY HUMAN EMOTIONS THEIR RIGHTFUL PLACE.
ANGER IS INNATE PART OF US AS A DEFENCE. OUR ADRENALIN FLOWS. IT HASN'T HAPPENED TO ME RECENTLY BUT WHEN WE ARE SUDDENLY FACED WITH A SABERTOOTHED TIGER OUR ADRENALINE GOES INTO OVERDRIVE AND WE EITHER FIGHT LIKE HELL, RUN LIKE HELL OR FREEZE AND DIE. I SLEPT WITH A SABERTOOTHED TIGER THOUGH MOST OF MY ADOLESCENSE. I LEARNED TO LIVE AND BREATH FEAR.
MY ANGER HAS SERVED TO PROTECT ME IN MY VULNERABILITY.
IF I WERE TO SEE ANOTHER CHILD BEING ABUSED, I WOULD BE VERY ANGRY AT THE PERPETRATOR AND WANT TO PROTECT THE CHILD. THERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW ANGER IS GOOD. I THINK THE CHILD IN ME DESERVES TO BE PROTECTED TOO. MY ANGER MUST BE DIRECT TO THE SOURCE. IF I DON'T DIRECT IT THERE THAN NO ONE AROUND ME IS SAFE FROM EVEN MY INCONSIDERATIONS
I HAD TO UNDERSTAND HOW THE GOOD COPING SKILL OF ANGER THAT BROUGHT ME THROUGH MY CHILDHOOD WAS NOW DEFEATING ME AS AN ADULT. I LEARNED HOW TO DO ADULT RELATIONSHIPS USING ANGER.
WHEN I NOW FEEL ANGER I ASK MYSELF,"WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?" THEN, "CAN I ADDRESS THAT FEAR DIRECTLY?" I ONCE ADDRESSED A CO-WORKER WITH, "I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ANGRY WITH ME ALL OF THE TIME, HAVE I HURT YOU IN SOME WAY?' IN THE PAST I WOULD HAVE WITHDRAWN AND SEETHED.
AS I HAVE SAID TO BATTRERERS I HAVE WORKED WITH, "THAT YOU GET ANGRY IS NOT THE PROBLEM, IT IS WHAT YOU DO WITH THAT ANGER THAT IS THE PROBLEM."
THANKS FOR THE BREATHING SPACE
EDDIE, WHAT I HEAR LOUD AND CLEAR IS YOUR SEARING PAIN, AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. I HEAR THAT YOU CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT PEOPLE AND YOU WANT TO HEAL. FROM MY PERSPECTIVE I HEAR THAT YOU ARE ON A HEROIC JOURNEY AS WE ALL ARE HERE ON THESE PAGES. I WISH YOU PEACE IN YOUR SOUL . DO YOU HAVE A SAFE PLACE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ANGER WITH SOMEONE. I'M STILL WORKING ON MAKING THAT SAFE PLACE WHERE I CAN STAND AS A MAN AND OPEN MY HEART SO THAT IT CAN SPEAK MY TRUTH WHICH CONSISTS OF MY TERROR, MY OWN SEARING PAIN AND A PRECIOUS CHILD WHO NEEDS TO BE HONORED AND CHERISHED. HE HAS BEEN TERRIBLY WRONGED. THIS CHILD IS SOMETIMES REFERRED TO AS "THE GOLDEN CHILD" THAT I BELIEVE IS IN ALL OF US. CAN YOU AS YET COMFORT THAT CHILD WHO NEEDS TO BE HELD.AND LOVED? IT IS A STRUGGLE FOR ME EVEN TODAY. I FIND COMFORT IN A SUPPORT GROUP OF GENTLE STRONG MEN. THEY TEACH ME ABOUT WHAT FATHER LOVE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT. I CAN BRING MY TOXIC SHAME THERE AND BE SOOTHED UNTIL THE POISON HAS ABATED AND LEAVES ME WHOLE. THE SHAME WAS DUMPED ON ME IN SECRET AND I BELIEVE IN ORDER TO HEAL I HAVE TO LET GO OF THAT SECRET OVER AND OVER AGAIN. EVEN AFTER ALL OF THAT, THESE GUYS STILL LOVE ME. THESE MEN DO NOT HAVE THE SAME HISTORY AS MINE, WHAT I HAVE TO SAY TO THEM IS IMPORTANT TO THEM. THEY EVEN WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY ANGER , PAIN AND JOY I DON'T EVER REMEMBER STANDING SO TALL AS A MAN AS I DO WITH THESE ADOPTED BROTHERS. I AM BLESSED. I EVEN HAVE THE SENSE THAT I HAVE BLESSED THEM WITH WHO I AM.
WITH MY PAIN, YOUR PAIN, AND THE PAIN ON THESE PAGES, I FEEL LESS ALONE.
[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]
[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]
I SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE SHUTTING OFF MY ANGER. THE RESULT OF THIS IS THAT IT TOOK ALL OF THE ENERGY I HAD. AT THAT TIME IN MY LIFE I WAS INCAPABLE OF JOY. EVERYTHING WAS ONE COLOR. ANGER,SADNESS, HURT AND FEAR WERE THINGS TO BE SURPRESSED. THIS ROBBED ME OF A LIFE WELL LIVED.
ONE OF THE RESULTS OF NOT ATTENDING TO THIS ANGER IS THAT IT WOULD LEAK OUT IN THINGS LIKE INCONSIDERATIONS, DRIVING FAST, BEING IRRITABLE, WITHDRAWING AND WITHOLDING LOVE.
I FEARED EXPRESSING MY ANGER BECAUSE OF THE DESTRUCTION I MIGHT CAUSE. I SAW MYSELF AS A PEACEFUL PERSON WITHOUT AN ANGRY BONE IN MY BODY. THIS WAS HOW MY MOTHER WANTED ME TO BE.
AS I LEARNED TO COME OUT FROM UNDER MY ROCK AND TO THRIVE IN THIS LIFE I HAD TO GIVE ALL MY HUMAN EMOTIONS THEIR RIGHTFUL PLACE.
ANGER IS INNATE PART OF US AS A DEFENCE. OUR ADRENALIN FLOWS. IT HASN'T HAPPENED TO ME RECENTLY BUT WHEN WE ARE SUDDENLY FACED WITH A SABERTOOTHED TIGER OUR ADRENALINE GOES INTO OVERDRIVE AND WE EITHER FIGHT LIKE HELL, RUN LIKE HELL OR FREEZE AND DIE. I SLEPT WITH A SABERTOOTHED TIGER THOUGH MOST OF MY ADOLESCENSE. I LEARNED TO LIVE AND BREATH FEAR.
MY ANGER HAS SERVED TO PROTECT ME IN MY VULNERABILITY.
IF I WERE TO SEE ANOTHER CHILD BEING ABUSED, I WOULD BE VERY ANGRY AT THE PERPETRATOR AND WANT TO PROTECT THE CHILD. THERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW ANGER IS GOOD. I THINK THE CHILD IN ME DESERVES TO BE PROTECTED TOO. MY ANGER MUST BE DIRECT TO THE SOURCE. IF I DON'T DIRECT IT THERE THAN NO ONE AROUND ME IS SAFE FROM EVEN MY INCONSIDERATIONS
I HAD TO UNDERSTAND HOW THE GOOD COPING SKILL OF ANGER THAT BROUGHT ME THROUGH MY CHILDHOOD WAS NOW DEFEATING ME AS AN ADULT. I LEARNED HOW TO DO ADULT RELATIONSHIPS USING ANGER.
WHEN I NOW FEEL ANGER I ASK MYSELF,"WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?" THEN, "CAN I ADDRESS THAT FEAR DIRECTLY?" I ONCE ADDRESSED A CO-WORKER WITH, "I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ANGRY WITH ME ALL OF THE TIME, HAVE I HURT YOU IN SOME WAY?' IN THE PAST I WOULD HAVE WITHDRAWN AND SEETHED.
AS I HAVE SAID TO BATTRERERS I HAVE WORKED WITH, "THAT YOU GET ANGRY IS NOT THE PROBLEM, IT IS WHAT YOU DO WITH THAT ANGER THAT IS THE PROBLEM."
THANKS FOR THE BREATHING SPACE
EDDIE, WHAT I HEAR LOUD AND CLEAR IS YOUR SEARING PAIN, AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. I HEAR THAT YOU CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT PEOPLE AND YOU WANT TO HEAL. FROM MY PERSPECTIVE I HEAR THAT YOU ARE ON A HEROIC JOURNEY AS WE ALL ARE HERE ON THESE PAGES. I WISH YOU PEACE IN YOUR SOUL . DO YOU HAVE A SAFE PLACE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ANGER WITH SOMEONE. I'M STILL WORKING ON MAKING THAT SAFE PLACE WHERE I CAN STAND AS A MAN AND OPEN MY HEART SO THAT IT CAN SPEAK MY TRUTH WHICH CONSISTS OF MY TERROR, MY OWN SEARING PAIN AND A PRECIOUS CHILD WHO NEEDS TO BE HONORED AND CHERISHED. HE HAS BEEN TERRIBLY WRONGED. THIS CHILD IS SOMETIMES REFERRED TO AS "THE GOLDEN CHILD" THAT I BELIEVE IS IN ALL OF US. CAN YOU AS YET COMFORT THAT CHILD WHO NEEDS TO BE HELD.AND LOVED? IT IS A STRUGGLE FOR ME EVEN TODAY. I FIND COMFORT IN A SUPPORT GROUP OF GENTLE STRONG MEN. THEY TEACH ME ABOUT WHAT FATHER LOVE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT. I CAN BRING MY TOXIC SHAME THERE AND BE SOOTHED UNTIL THE POISON HAS ABATED AND LEAVES ME WHOLE. THE SHAME WAS DUMPED ON ME IN SECRET AND I BELIEVE IN ORDER TO HEAL I HAVE TO LET GO OF THAT SECRET OVER AND OVER AGAIN. EVEN AFTER ALL OF THAT, THESE GUYS STILL LOVE ME. THESE MEN DO NOT HAVE THE SAME HISTORY AS MINE, WHAT I HAVE TO SAY TO THEM IS IMPORTANT TO THEM. THEY EVEN WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY ANGER , PAIN AND JOY I DON'T EVER REMEMBER STANDING SO TALL AS A MAN AS I DO WITH THESE ADOPTED BROTHERS. I AM BLESSED. I EVEN HAVE THE SENSE THAT I HAVE BLESSED THEM WITH WHO I AM.
WITH MY PAIN, YOUR PAIN, AND THE PAIN ON THESE PAGES, I FEEL LESS ALONE.
[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]
[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]