I let them use me..

I let them use me..

Tom E.

Registrant
I don't know how common this is, but after my adolescent abuse & early adult assaults, I continued in a repeated, compulsive pattern of going to a gay bar, getting so trashed I could barely walk and just go home with anybody who wanted me and let them do whatever they wanted; usually me lying there passively on the receiving end barely conscious. The self loathing I felt, I felt this was what I deserved, all I was good for.
I felt I just got used & raped over & over again. I look back with sadness at my fucked up young self, I'm trying to love & hug myself now..It's improving slowly..baby steps.
 
That is very hard to read. I hope you keep reminding yourself that the shame is not yours to own.

Though I am straight...
I almost went home with an older male about 7 years ago. This was the time I was reliving the abuse - i.e. around that time when I went to a club I remember getting a gag response if someone brushed too close by or got too close.

I hope you feel better soon.
 
Tom E

Difficult to read. CSA impacts the mind and can create low self esteem and guilt and shame. Together these can control our lives and how we see ourselves, never being worthy of anything good. Many survivors relive the abuse consciously and subconsciously, aware and in dissociation, but it does not define you as to who you are are or your self worth. Remember let go of the guilt and shame it is the abusers and those that did not believe or support you as you tried to heal. I do hope you can see who you are--a valuable and kind person who needs support.

Yes love and give yourself a big hug--because healing starts with learning how to love ourselves, we are not that little boy who the perp tried to destroy.

I am glad you are turning the corner. Keep going.

Kevin
 
Baby Steps but such important steps. Congratulations are stepping forward.
 
Hi Tom

Sorry for what you went though and what you have put yourself through. I can relate to this almost as if it was me. It continued for me till I was22 then I stopped putting myself into those situations. I stated to seek out men as a young teen and was abused starting before I was 5. I dissociated most of the time I only remember getting into strangers cars nothing more. All but once I was dumped in the park with no clothes after being beating and raped, I called my brother and he came and got me and took me home.

You are not alone in doing this. I had a few reasons I was hyper sexualized and I was homeless teen, addicted to drugs and needing money. Got into a lot of bad situations lucky to be alive. It was the late 60's early 70's.

Esterio
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Tom,

While I haven't had the same experiences as you, I can relate to the feelings.
The self-loathing, the feeling that "this is all I deserve." It's awful stuff.
I am glad that you are taking steps forward. None of us deserved to be mistreated or abused.
You have great value and I hope you will be able to see that more and more.

Chris
 
Tom E

Seeing this thread again, breaks my heart to think how CSA destroys our self esteem and imparts guilt and shame into our lives. Shame and guilt no child should carry into adulthood. I hope you realize you are a good person and the shame and guilt you may feel is not yours but rather the abusers and those who denied your abuse.

How one reacts to their abuse differ, reliving or recreating the abuse happens to many survivors consciously or unconsciously--why because our minds were sexualized long before it could comprehend from the abuse.

I hope over the past months you have been able to accept you are a good person who was dealt a bad hand, the abuse, that we understand. No one should judge you for how you tried to cope or lived your life as a result of the abuse.

Keep healing and live the life you deserve.

Kevin
 
Good for you Tom. It takes courage , what you shared.
I go to gay bars. I am looking for love.
Its hard to accept that I was taught that I was special- meaning
I am needed ! Now I see how I am alone and desperate for love.
I take baby steps to strike conversation in social places.
Thank you Tom.

James
 
Tom,

I'm familiar with severe shame and self-degradation, and I'm sorry you went through what you did. I hope you find some peace of mind, Tom. Keep working towards self-love; it is achievable.
 
I stay away from the bars after being handed a spiked drink by a bartender and waking up the next morning in my car in the parking lot. In my 20's I let a group of local doctors use me as they saw fit. They took me to a warehouse club for BDSM that was the upper crust of local scene. Doctors, lawyers, judges, prosecutors, politicians, business owners, church leaders and so on. All were very liberal leaning.

These days I use the local bath houses. The pressure builds up until it needs released and I go with a bag of paddles, floggers and straps and get used and whipped. Sometimes one trip is enough sometimes I do this for a week or two. I look at the pain part of it as punishment from what I am doing. I don't let myself get tied up these days as I had a couple bad situations where everyone there did me even after I said stop.
 
Top