i keep remembering things..

i keep remembering things..
P

Peterrr

Registrant
at first
all i ever thought happened to me was this one time
and it wasn't so bad. after a while it started bothering me more and more and just these past couple weeks ive started remembering this thing that happened while i was on vacation, and i dont know if anything really bad happened but something inappropriate happened.

the other night i had a dream that "he" asked me if i wanted to do anything and i said i did. he said to go to his room and let me know when i was ready. so i did. we did stuff.. in the dream, and
ugh it was disgusting.

last night i had this horrible "vision"... i dont know what to call it, but all of a sudden i guess i just suddenly remembered something..
its just a small part of something that could turn into the worst..
i can feel it.. what happened.. thats the most memorable thing. i remember what it felt like.

theres also this other thing that, forever ive wonered what this feeling, i have, in my mouth.. its so hard to explain but, eh :/ i dont know..

im just having a really hard night. with no one to talk to.
if my friends are like "whats wrong" and i say "that somethings been bothering me lately" they want me to tell them and since im close to them i open up a little and say "someone did somethin to me when i was younger" and they're always sorry. they always say "i dont know what to say" so its obvious i cant talk to them about it.
and yeah idk i just fucking hate this and i hate feeling like this. for a long time ive been worried about my depression getting really bad again and now it is, its getting so much worse, daily because of this. and im really scared.
 
Peterr

I am glad you shared. In the short time that I have been on this board it has been good for me to be able to relate to others that have experienced the same thing. My friends do not know what to say and I say very little to them about my experience.

For me I have found it invaluable to relate with others that understand. I believe that part of what we desire (i know that I do) is some understanding and acceptance and we can certainly provide that to one another.

The sensations that you feel are likely related to the abuse. I have a few sensations that I can not fully recall or describe. I think it is typical.

I am sorry that you are having a hard day and are fearful. That is not an easy place to be at all. But you are doing good at identifying your feelings. That is terrific. It is important to be in touch with you feelings. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling and I have certainly been there many times. This too shall pass, in the meantime do something that make you feel safe, whatever that may be. For me sometimes it is watching a movie in bed, or just meditating.

Identify something you can do or hold or whatever that gives you a sense of comfort, love, safety.

This is not an easy issue to deal with. You are being very courageous and it will pay off for you.

I want you to know that you are NOT alone and you are loved. Beneath all the fear, if you focus you can feel the truth of what I write in your heart. I call that my place of peace.

I read a saying somewhere and I do not remember where but it goes something like this: when you are walking thru hell don't stop, keep going.

keep going buddy. All is working as it should.

Love and light
 
Peterrr - I hear and feel your dilemma. Many of us survivors remember single events of the abuse only to experience more memories surfacing as we deal with our abuse and its aftermath. These horrible memories bring up horrible feelings that can SEEM TO overwhelm us at times. Many of the feelings and other descriptions you have shared among us are common experiences to all who have suffered childhood sexual abuse - whether once or twice or over years; whether for a minute, an hour, a day or more. That's why many of us have had to search out counselors/therapists who understand abuse trauma. There is much we can do here in support, explanation, advice, empathy and compassionate caring ; however, for the most of us, counselors in our local areas add that human dimension that helps our healing! I'm not sure if you have a therapist or counselor...but I see where one can be of immense help in your recovery from your trauma. Your circumstances, pain, orientation and other factors are known in our MS community. I am glad you found us and are strong enough to share!! You are not alone in this!!! I assure you!! but you may need flesh & blood support during your depression and other issues addressing your trauma!!


Howard
 
Hi Peterr, I was sexually abused continuously throughout a summer when I was between 3rd and 4th grade.

I was never the clingy/needy type of kid and pretty much kept to myself even as a youngster. I never told my parents that I had been sexually abused. I was too ambarrassed and ashamed to want to talk about it with my parents or ANYONE else. I paid a TERRIBLE price for my silence.

As the years went by while I grew up, problems stemming from the abuse surfaced in many ways, (drug use, alcohol use, trouble with police, etc.) I'm an adult now, and after years of failed attempts to help myself, I'm seeking the help of a therapist because I'm out of options.......this is where I ended up, with MANY YEARS of wasted and unproductive time spent. All of my energy was spent on "trying to forget" and "It's in the past" etc. It's not that simple to deal with.

You Peterr, have an advantage that many of us "old timers" here on the board never had! An opportunity to voice your feelings and to ask for advice without judgement!

I strongly suggest that you consider talking to your parents about what happened to you, as ugly and hard as that may sound, because the price will be paid, either now when you're still young, or years from now, when years of mistakes and troubled thoughts and memories will surely still be with you.
 
Hi Peterrr,

Hauser and others have shared a lot of good thoughts and advise with you. They know what they're talking about, my friend.

One think I would add is that myself and many others here, especially when we were still teens and even younger, were so ashamed because we thought the abuse was our fault. I don't know if this is true for you or not, but I spent a lot of years thinking if I hadn't this, or if I hadn't done that, then it wouldn't have happened. Many times our abuser told us in one way or another we were the cause of what was happening. I'd like to stress to you that "It is not your fault". You did nothing wrong to cause what happened to you. Put the blame where it belongs, Friend, on the one who abused you.

Safe hugs,

John
 
Peterrr,

Memories! They would be one thing if all you remembered was an event. You could say "ok, this happened" and life would go on. But with the memories come all the pain, embarrassment, shame, guilt and all the other emotions that go with that memory. So then we are forced to deal with all those emotions. And that is the hard part. This road we call recovery is as much about learning how to deal with things like memories as it is about healing.

When I first started down this road, the pain of the memories would stop me in my tracks. And to make matters worse, I had absolutely no idea what to do about it. My wife found a therapist for me who helped me learn to deal with the mimories and all the emotional crap that goes with them. It took quite a while but slowly I learned new coping skills.

Earlier, this week I remembered something, this memory was very painful and is about another person who abused me. I didn't even know that she had done this to me. I can remember it all right down to the last detail. And here is the cool part, I know what to do and that takes the fear out of it. I never could have handled it so well if I hadn't gone to therapy.

The reason I tell you this is to give you hope. Things do get better. Also to let you know that you can't do it alone. You are a strong person, I can tell because you have the courage to post here. My advise is to to do whatever it takes to get a therapist. Tell your parents if that is at all possible.

You hang in there my friend

Darrel
 
Peterr,
I thought I was only dealing with one memory up until a few weeks ago. That way my recovery felt safer. Recently though, many more memories are coming to the surface, and I feel as if I am beggining to lose control. I don't know when they will end and asked my therapist how recovery is possible if memories keep emerging. His response was somehwat hopeful in saying that even though we may have many memories our mind relates to them all in relatively the same way. I wish I knew of some better comfort, but these memories are just plain scary. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of that, and hope you find some peace through it all. I like to think I am exploring darkness that most people never have to see. That makes the kid in me feel brave (though he's still scared) good luck.
 
Peter,

As you have already seen, so many guys know how you feel and have had the same experiences. So right away you can see one thing that's very important: You are not alone or wierd. This kind of thing happens a lot.

As your abuse wasn't so long ago your case may be different, but let me tell you how it was for me. I had real memories of things that happened, I had dreams and nightmares that I remembered, and I had fears and anxieties from boyhood that were very difficult to distinguish from real memories. That made it all very scary, yes, and like you I worried about what I would discover next.

Some bad things did come back to my memory Peter, but you know what? They were there all along and these things DID happen. They would not have stayed buried forever, and sooner or later I would have had to deal with them.

One thing to remember is that even if these memories are very frightening and make you feel disgusted, THEY CANNOT HURT YOU. They are the past. They are also NOT YOUR FAULT. You were the victim, not the abuser.

You will need help in dealing with all this, sure; but you will get past all this, and I have to say I am so glad you are doing this at a young age. We are all here to help you bro.

Much love,
Larry
 
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