I just watched Cheaper by the Dozen on DVD and cried like a baby..
...I couldn't help it. It was so painful to watch a movie where a family loved one another, supported one another and didn't do horrendous things to one another.
I feel like such a screw-up sometimes. I was always told what great potential I had, but never could quite make it there. Now there's a part of me that thinks it's too late. A part of me that feels like my mother broke me and no matter what I do I will never be fixed. A part of me that just wishes I could have felt love from my mother instead of horror. That my understanding of love for a woman could be somewhat normal instead of the fucked up view that I have in my head. That I would have not gotten anxiety attacks at all the wrong time and finished the taks I had and accompished the goals I wanted.
Instead I am sitting here...an incomplete short of a degree...a sucky career...panic attacks..and I am feeling like a f-ing joke...it's funny in college I used to have a motto "f-em if they can't take a joke"...today I feel like the joke and have lost a lot of the genuine humor I used to have...shit I have lost a lot of the genuine person I used to be...everything is based on survival even though I am going to be 33...
..shit I feel blue...
I feel like such a screw-up sometimes. I was always told what great potential I had, but never could quite make it there. Now there's a part of me that thinks it's too late. A part of me that feels like my mother broke me and no matter what I do I will never be fixed. A part of me that just wishes I could have felt love from my mother instead of horror. That my understanding of love for a woman could be somewhat normal instead of the fucked up view that I have in my head. That I would have not gotten anxiety attacks at all the wrong time and finished the taks I had and accompished the goals I wanted.
Instead I am sitting here...an incomplete short of a degree...a sucky career...panic attacks..and I am feeling like a f-ing joke...it's funny in college I used to have a motto "f-em if they can't take a joke"...today I feel like the joke and have lost a lot of the genuine humor I used to have...shit I have lost a lot of the genuine person I used to be...everything is based on survival even though I am going to be 33...
..shit I feel blue...
