I just wanted simple things
Below is something I wrote tonight that happened to me last night. I have been going through some somatic therapy which I have shared about from time to time up here. While I can see some very good specific things that it is doing for me, there are some very rough sessions that I go through as well. They aren't easy in the least bit, but I am tired of this shit finding a harbor within me and so I am going to go through this process until this stuff is out of my body and my life is free and is my own.
The good things out of this therapy so far is: - A lower overall level of anxiety
Less stomach hurting, cramping
A bigger appetite
More energy
Usually better sleep
More vivid action oriented dreams
Being able to remember dreams more
Less road rage
Not as tense muscles
Less muscle twitching in my legs
Less occurrence of headaches
A feeling like I am more in control
Feeling like I have other options than just to react to situations
Dealing with events better such as hurricanes
Accepting touch better
More accepting of things that are outside of my current norm
Here is what I wrote after the somatic therapy session that I had with Dr Paul Canali
Agitated, but relieved if that makes sense than that is how I feel right now after leaving the visit with Dr Canali. I actually feel somewhat exhausted in an energized way. It seems like the ends of the same spectrum right now. Tonight was a very wild session for lack of a better word. The session started out slow but then I dont know what happened. When Paul placed his fingers on my sternum area, there was like sharp pulsating pains as if someone was sticking me with needles. Throughout much of it, I wasnt aware of anyone else in the room. I dont know if I blocked everyone out or what, but I knew at least one lady came in at the same time I did, but I wasnt aware that she left. It was a strange feeling because I went somewhere. I remember a sharp pain in my right shoulder and I mean sharp, hard and intense. It hurt so badly when I rolled over on my side that I thought I was going to scream. I could feel my body shaking some but it sounds like it was doing a lot of shaking and moving. I remember coughing a lot and at times feeling like I could not catch my breath especially when Paul touched my chest and throat area. The biggest thing I remember is the tears. I felt like I could have cried for a year and the tears seemed to keep flowing even after I left his office.
I dont know what the intense pain was all about, but if I had to make a movie, it would star my father as the main character. The movie would last for 20 minutes and it would be my father violently beating the shit out of me of course focusing on the right shoulder. I dont know if that is an accurate scene or not, but it is what came to mind then and what is coming to mind as I write this. All I know is that it was a pretty intense event regardless of what I remember or dont remember.
The hot stones Paul placed in each palm felt comforting to me. It was as if they were pulling the pain from the shoulder. For a time, my right arm did not want to relax and felt like it was frozen but as the hot stones pulled more of the pain out, the more it was able to relax.
But anyway, here is what I wrote about my triggers to the max warp speed.....
What a night. Triggers to the max warp speed! After the session, I was in a strange place. I dont think I had come back to current day and I was still in the space of being a very young boy. Anyway.
One of the things that I experienced as a kid was watching my parents get all gung ho about spending time with each one of my brothers individually. It was there way to refocus on spending time with each one of us by ourselves without competition from the other. So they would plan on taking us to a movie or some little event like that (just my parents and one of us). However it seemed that when this got planned and implemented, my two brothers were the ones chosen to go do things and I got left until the last. Then by the time they got time to get around to doing something with me, things had changed in the family or someone was too busy, or whatever the excuse was to go do something with me. I always felt left out and unwanted (still do to this day). It may have something to do with being left all alone when I was first born because my dad was sick and my mom chose to stay with him over me. But these times when I was left out of whatever was going on, I would go to bed at night and hide under my pillow and cry because it hurt so much. I couldnt show anger of course and the only other thing I knew how to do was to withdraw and get quiet.
Ok last night an event happened that triggered this hard in me. Before I knew it, I was back as a little boy (dont think I had to go that far after the afternoon session with Paul). I was hurt. I wanted to cry. I wanted someone just to include me and just to make me feel like I was wanted not as an outcast or like they used to call me, an oriental reject. I wanted to so badly speak up last night and say something but of course my voice could say no words. I wanted to so badly stop this reaction but the train was already set in motion down the tracks. I wanted to cry, but I was afraid I would be heard. Damn it, I just wanted to be loved, accepted, included, cared for. I know, the event last night was not the issue as it just triggered something much deeper. And of course because of my inability to talk, to scream out, to cry or to stop the entire process, I feel so angry with myself. And the anger hurts, it hurts.. I was just a boy who wanted to be loved, accepted and not treated as something no better than dirt or a disease. Just a boy who wanted a simple thing in life. And now I am left to put the pieces of my life back together.
