*Triggers Possible* I just wanted a friend.

[OkieJoe1983]

I've just never been the guy who had lots of other guy friends. Or really lots of friends at all. So when he became friendly I felt like I might have made a real connection.
I messed up because I trusted him with secrets and fantasies and all kinds of things that we talked about. Including my curiosity with men. He is openly gay.
And my wife and I were having a little bit of a rough patch. She was distant and struggling emotionally, and I was just needing a friend and I thought with a new town I get a new start and new people.
And I ruined it.
I put it all in place because I just wanted some control in my life. I wanted a friend. Someone to talk to about all the things I couldn't talk to my wife about.
And he used all of that against me.
The last message I sent after he started demanding money or he would release the pictures he took of me, I tried to do what it said to do online and act tough. Threatened to call the cops on him and he just sent me back their phone number and said no one would believe me.
He's right. He has tons of messages where I literally asked for it. I literally told him that's what I wanted.
So how can I be mad or hurt when he just did what we talked about?
I told him the chat was different. Just for fun. That I wouldn't cheat on my wife.
He said "You already did that, Chief" talking about our chats. And then "you know you want this". And I won't ever forget that because I kind of did. I did. But not like that. I didn't want to cheat on my wife. I told him that.
So I tried to laugh it off like a joke and he called me a dick tease and said he was headed to my house to show my wife the pictures. (This happened in an outbuilding on our property).
I started crying. I panicked. My heart raced and I couldnt stop sobbing and I begged him to please just drop it.
And he said "put it in your mouth" and then "its ok just put it in and if you do good I wont have to tell your wife" He had pulled it out standing in the hallway of the building by a bathroom.
So he said to put it in my mouth. Or he would go to my wife.
And I did. And he held the back of my head and pushed into me hard. I gagged and because I had been crying I couldn't breath out of my nose. I was panicking and still crying and just trying to do good. He went for about five minutes and stopped and I realized he didn't finish.
So I thought I must have done a bad job and he's going to my wife now.
I started begging him to let me try again and he said no because his partner would be back soon. He said he would give me a grade on it later.
I had hired them to help clean up an overgrown fence row. They have a jack of all trades type of handyman service.
So, I was pleading with him please just give me another chance please don't tell my wife.
He said he wont tell her, but that I couldnt ignore his chats anymore. Previously I didnt answet or talk to him much if my wife was around.
i agreed and ran outside and threw up.
I was hit with a full anxiety attack. I went inside and took a clonazepam and tried to calm down, but they were still outside working.
So I cleaned my face up and went back out and worked in a different area until they were finished
Later that night he messaged.
He said I could probably get him off with some practice. And that his boyfriend was in jail so he didn't have anyone to suck him. I begged him for another chance so I could do good and he wouldn't tell me wife or release my pics. He kept telling me he was going to. In all the chats. He wanted to know if I was madturbating. If he turned me on. If I wanted it again.
I played along. I know now I should have bl9cked him all the way back then. But I didn't. It's my fault. And now I will lose everything.
He's right. Every part of it looks like it happened just like I'm sure he says it did.
He even said he would just tell the cops that I was the aggressor.
My wife deserves a better husband.
If she knew...
Then I won't even have her anymore. And I don't deserve her. So what does it matter, right?
So I get to lose everything. And it has to be OK because it is what is happening.
And I may never trust anyone again. Ever. I considered asking to switch to a female doctor because. I don't know why it just seemed to make sense.
So now every day I'm afraid.
And alone.
i cry at night while my wife sleeps.
i cry during the day while I'm by myself.
I sleep. And he is there. And when I wake up his threats are there. Hanging over me.
I just didn't want to feel alone all the time.
I just needed someone to talk to.
I just needed a friend.

 

[numanm]

that was very traumatic experience. I am really sorry it has happened to you. he's kinda manipulative apparently, if you seek help or something please do not hasitate to reach out to anyone might close you, but just be careful and be wise.

 

[Colt1958]

Did you breathe a huge sigh of relief when you hit the post button? I remember how it felt for me when I made a similar confession many years ago. I didn't realize what an important step that was in my journey with healing. I also learned the importance of asking forgiveness and giving it. I have learned a few things on my own since then. May I share?
The indiscretion that I had in 2012 incited the whole PTSD and CSA journey that brings me here. I was most triggered when the guy (online, craigslist) commented that he "couldn't believe" that I had not performed oral on a guy in ten years. I totally dismissed the "because you are so good at it," and my mind flashed to the years of don't tell, or else, and the nobody will believe you cliche shared by most survivors.
At the root of the whole panic and PTSD attacks was one thing, something I believe you may want to investigate: fear / anxiety. You may be able to cognitively get through this inner struggle that brings you here. I read an awesome CBT exercise book, "When Panic Attacks" by David D Burns MD. Check your library. I learned much about myself and others that I was not expecting. You will find an ability to look at your tears and fears in new light. Knowledge truly IS power.
I journaled all of the emotions and fears that I had and broke them down to what each really meant to me and what the likelihood was of having those off the wall fears even coming true. I asked forgiveness in a letter to god, my wife, my multiple abusers and I just let it all go in one confession, absorbing all of the guilt and shame and every one of life's sins and emotions to send to the universe. I don't need to hold any of it anymore.
Why I did what I did in my life, consciously or not, has been explained and justified as much as I am willing to. Freedom from the past lets us prosper today and in the future.

Deep breath, exhale.