I just totally spaced out

I just totally spaced out
G

Grunty1967b

Registrant
A strange thing happened to me with my therapist the other day. She was talking to me and the next thing I knew she was asking me what I thought about that. What was that exactly I had to ask her.

I found that I has totally zoned out and was not there in my mind at all. Its as if time stood still. That has NEVER happened to me before. I had no recollection of what she just said or what I was doing for the last minute or so. She asked me what just happened and I told here that I just completely spaced out.

She worked with me on that and got me to try and recall what set me off. Tends to be the recurring homework I have what set me off, what I felt etc. I recalled how I noticed a teddy bear in her office and I then flashed back to my panda bear that I used to have as a kid. I remembered how I used to hug that bear because nobody used to hug me ever. Not even my parents and especially not my abusing, perp brother.

My first spaced out moment! Can I get those few minutes back please? ;)
 
Grunty,

This has happened to me a few times, too. Like you, it happens to me when I'm not conscious of being near to very intense feelings and emotions. More recently, I've been able to stay more present (although not totally, and with some interesting new features). But it's funny you mention the teddy bears. My T has a row of discretely arranged small stuffed animals on his bookshelves. I almost always find that my 'zoning' happens after I've scanned his bookshelves. I used to think it was the books; but who knows? maybe it's the little fluffy things after all.

Those moments were yours, BTW, so if you want 'em "back," you need to find out just who's got 'em. :)

John
 
Grunty,

That's dissociation bro. We all do it to some extent or another - people "space out", "zone out", or whatever.

For many survivors it's a way of coping. A boy is so terrified and confused by what is happening to him that the only way left to cope is to space out. He may also pretend to be somewhere else - standing somewhere else in the room, sitting on the bedpost, curling up in the corner of the ceiling (my place when I was a boy), laying on top of a cupboard, perched in a tree or treehouse, etc. The idea is this: "I'm not there; what's happening there isn't happening to me - I'm over/up here. I'm not being hurt." In more serious cases, the boy will give this second "person" an identity and "go there" when he feels threatened again. He may even talk like that other child or person and give "him" a name.

Dissociation sounds pretty scary, but we need to remember that as kids that was one of the few survival tools we had. And in a way, when we talk about the Inner Child we are dissociating. In order to understand the complexities of how we feel and act, we divide our feelings into those that have carried on from childhood and those of the mature adult that we are now. So dissociating in that sense can be very useful.

I have had numerous episodes when I have physically dissociated in front of my T. I will "space out" and lose time, and when I come back, or if the T snaps me out of it, I do not remember anything that happened while I was "gone". I have had only one case where Little Larry came back so completely as to overwhelm Big Larry and take over. When I was back in the States in November to disclose to my parents, that was of course a very emotional period. One evening I collapsed into tears while we were sitting around the kitchen table for a cup of tea, and I said: "I'm scared it will start all over again and I can't make him stop." That was Little Larry of course, since the perp died in 1994. That part of me HAD to say that, and of course it was good that Little Larry got to talk.

I don't think this is anything to worry about, but your T should know how this works for you and any experiences you have in between sessions. It's part of recovery I guess, and the way I look at it is that I figure this means I am dealing with big issues and finding it a bit much at the moment. As we come to terms with our feelings and issues everything gets reintegrated and these episodes stop. Or, shall I say, so I am told.

Much love,
Larry

Much love,
Larry
 
wow, when i was little i used to do that zoning out thing alot...and my parents and other people noticed it and they would like wave their hand in front of my face or snap their fingers in my face to get me out of it. i still do it now that i am a little older...and it's wierd. i don't ever realise i am doing in until i snap out of it...and then i'm like woah...what just happend here? and i will realise that i was in my own world and was completely unaware of what was going on around me.
it's totally wierd and i don't know what brings it on.
 
roadrunner you nailed it ,and at the time it was a blessing ,the bad part about it was while i was in my safe place another part of me was taking all the abuse while i just hid there and watched.it split me like two seperate people ,still split i think .
 
Kurt,

Dissociation, like so many other things about abuse, is triggered. Something we see or hear or think about takes us "away" to another "place", like daydreaming for example. But as I said, for a survivor it's a tool we use for coping with serious emotional overloads. Grunty was triggered into an episode by seeing the T's teddy bear, which reminded him of his own. But sometimes it's difficult to know the triggers; the episodes just seem to happen, as you say.

Adam, I think abuse will split almost all boys into different "kids", in the sense that we don't know how to heal the wounds from abuse so they continue on as unresolved feelings about ourselves, the world and our place in it. Healing is about resolving all this and allowing us to live a fruitful and peaceful life without things getting hijacked by these old feelings.

Some guys here have developed "others" and revert to those identities when they need to. In my case I usually just blank out and "come back" after a minute or so. Up until a few months ago, when I was talking about my abuse experiences and it all became too much I would sometimes find myself talking as if it was still happening - Little Larry had found a voice. But that doesn't seem to happen any longer.

The whole topic of dissociation scared me to death for a long time. I think it's important to just say how we feel about it and look at it as something that was positive in its time but now needs to be left behind.

Dewey, you make a good point: sometimes "dissing" IS a blessing. It doesn't mean we're insane - not in the least. It just means that what was done to us was so insane that we had to find a really strong tool to protect ourselves. We were just kids, and this is one of the tools we found. And you know something? It's a good thing we did.

Much love,
Larry
 
It happens to me also a lot. Especially in the morning when I have a shower (where my SA once happened) Once I get out of it then I wondered if I had washed my hair or myself. It happened this morning.

Sometimes when I drive to work it also happens it is as if you are not in your body. Your brain has drawn a blank. You notice the cars but you dont register what you are doing.

Would it ever stop?
 
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