I just don't want to do this anymore !

[NC-Survivor]

It’s sort of like the guy in the Matrix that wanted to get back in and forget it all...

The Reality is too painful - I understand this completely!!

 

[bbats123]

Very deep - I think that goes with the trauma. I, too, have more hidden memories that remain uncovered - told my new T that is on the list of stuff we will be dealing with!! WHILE I was talking with him about it, my arm started TWITCHING - it did it twice (2 different spots on my arm) - completely NEW symptom - never twitched like that before - so bizarre. Like my body was freaking out about having to finally deal with all of this!!

Exactly! When I get on the edge of thinking about what I THINK happened, my back or shoulder involuntarily move, like trying to 'shake' off a feeling. I also will shake my head like I'm saying 'No' and shiver. I hate it. I hate that we have to have thru this, but glad we all have each other and we have a place to talk about stuff that we all can relate to.
I'm not sure how much I want to remember sometimes but it also seems like if I had a clear picture of what happened, I could stop being so vigilant about everything being a potential trigger.

 

[Visitor]

I'm reading a book titled The Body Keeps the Score that is very much on point with this conversation. When trauma happens the part of our brain that normally interprets what we're experiencing is turned off, so we have no intelligible memories of what happened. But our bodies carry the memories and we encounter those memories if/when be begin unpacking the past. It began happening for me with EMDR over twenty years ago. Yes, I'd encountered some strange recollections in therapy thirty years ago but since they didn't make sense to me I let them go. With EMDR it was different because a story unfolded with the body sensations and visual fragments that pointed to childhood sexual abuse by neighbors.

This is what is so confusing and bewildering about this journey of healing. We have to trust the process even when it makes no sense. Fortunately, the world of trauma therapy has caught up with the brain science and there are ways of doing this work that are hopeful. I feel as though for the first time in my life I have an accurate picture of how my lifetime struggles came to be AND how I might find relief. It is the hard work miracle but it is one worth pursuing.

 

[bbats123]

I've thought about EMDR but I worry that it would be like seeing a horror movie about me. I guess that tells me I'm not ready for that step. I also wonder how to have trust in someone who is not my therapist, since she does not do EMDR.
What did you experience with the process? Like I said, it sounds like it could be quite frightening.

 

[Strangeways]

I am undergoing EMDR right now. It IS scary and I have been going to pieces for a few hours after each session.

So far it's early days. But we worked on a thing that had been bothering me for awhile, and my discomfort with it has gone down to zero, which proved to me that it CAN and DOES work. To work best you do need to have a level of trust with the therapist though .... although I started EMDR with a new therapist, I was able to trust her because my old T, who I trusted VERY much, vouched for her.