I just don't want to do this anymore !

Triggers...

JUST NEED TO VENT AND PUT THIS IN WORDS!

I just don't want to do this anymore!!!

More VIVID memories came up because of where I was on Tuesday. I walked to my T appointment at the new office about two miles from home. One of my abusers was a family friend/cop/ scout leader who abused me for YEARS. I walked right into the exact spot where early on I was physically abused, sexually molested, threatened with a gun and pistol whipped by him. I just can't let it go and move on. Last night my wife found me in bed, crying, curled up with my hands covering my face. I knew, just KNEW, HE was outside my window watching me!

I have spent most of the day in bed today, just avoiding the world, it is safer for me and them!
 
TeeJayUU how are you later today? It's cliche' but you're not alone about retreating to stay in bed. I'm so sorry he did that to you, and I want to share that I know that thinking is a burden, and doing nothing is an absolute. I hope your wife understands to give you some space, and if you need help may give it?

The most trying times dealing with it, have been when triggered. I want isolation and no contact when mine happen. Sometimes I can get on here and share a bit or more. I'm glad you've done so.

I've gotten more work hours for the first time in almost 2.5 years. This has meant I'm not on here to post as much as I used to. I still use my phone to do a short check in. A few times I've posted while at work. This evening if you've found some calm, and worked on any self care, that's great. If not, this is at your pace, and no one who knows this will push you.

Best wishes to you.
 

smc1972

Registrant
TeeJayUU,

I just wanted to say you not alone I wanting to nor longer do this anymore. I am some one who for myself goes up and down. I reach a place where I feel like I am in a better place and able to share the I will crash and just drop off. It’s when I drop off I am at my worse. I get to where I cane stay in bed all weekend just not able to face anything. It sucks. I wish I didn’t I wish no one gets to that place but it happenes. Just know you are not the only one, you are not alone. Just by posting shows you found the strength to reach out for support.

Be good to yourself and keep moving forward at your pace.
 
The other side of this TJ is that doing the work of healing is precisely what will allow you to not HAVE to do this anymore. Be gentle with yourself and use the support in your life to move beyond this painful memory. It happened years ago despite the fact part of you, the traumatized part, believes it is happening right now. You can reassure that part of the reality you are a grown up, not a young boy who was vulnerable years ago.

I like the message one spiritual teacher used when he said "old friends come to visit." He reminded us that we're not obliged to ask them into the house or offer them a glass of wine. Trauma happened, but we don't have to let it rule our lives. That is what healing is all about. The best to you...
 

DavidM-LT

Registrant
Hey TJ!

Don’t worry, though that’s easier said than done. Like the others said, I too,still have my ups and downs. CSA sucks.... sadly, recovery sucks too. But! Recovery is worth the time and effort and work. It gets us to where we can liberated from the chains of this horrific trauma. As hard as it is to share, that’s part of what will help heal. And kudos to you for having, for finding the strength to be able to.

You’re certainly not alone! And we understand the hell.

Keep on fighting! You can win!
 

bbats123

Registrant
Exactly how I felt last week when I was out with my family and got triggered by something in a Hanes underwear store. I just get tired of feeling like I need to close my eyes, my ears and my mind because of what could be lurking in everything I see, hear, smell, taste etc. Good for you for sharing and I think the advice is right that as we work thru this, that stuff is more manageable. My strategy was to look around and remind myself where and WHEN I was so that I could feel safe from the past and know that I was safe in the present. No real threats were around me so I could control what was happening to me. That was probably the first time I was able to do that, so I'm thinking that's progress.

Thanks again for sharing...we can get thru this together with our support and sharing.

B
 

WG

Registrant
TeeJayUU - What you experienced is in the broad spectrum of what we in here all experience at one time or another to one degree or another. When it happens to me (the moments become fewer and fewer as time goes on) I use one of the tools my T brought to me - "How old am I?" "Where am I?" "What year is it?" Something else that has helped when there's a trigger is to tell it, "Your're a suggestion not a commandment." I do not have to act on it - how I handle it is my choice (rather empowering, don't you think?) and right now I'm choosing to say that it does not define me nor does it control me. Granted, it takes time and effort to do all the above and it isn't learned overnight. Took me a long time to recall those tools when the moment came. It took time to get where I was, it will take time to get to where I need to be. Don't give up, don't stop trying no matter how that progress looks - its your progress and it is your recovery and that's the most important piece.
 
I so greatly appreciate all of your support, suggestions, and mostly, you friendship. I know I am not alone on this journey, and being here helps me so much! Thanks everyone!!!!!!!!!!
 

bbats123

Registrant
I'm probably not supposed to go "backwards" on this topic but tonight I really dont want to do this anymore. I'm broken, my marriage is broken, I want to leave my family and disappear into some other world or place where I cant be found and I can create a new reality in my mind. A reality that is anything BUT what I am feeling right now. It's the great escape. I'm tired of the struggle, the daily "wash, rinse, repeat...still feel like crap so do it again".

too much guys, its just too much to fight thru. Maybe I'll feel better in the a.m
 

Brennan87

Registrant
TJ,
You are not alone and I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. Remember it takes strength to face this and it's okay to want to retreat and sometimes our brain's need a reprieve from it. Don't beat yourself up over it. Gently remember, that which is put into the light of day doesn't grow, but that which stays in the darkness festers and grows. So sharing (exposing) what you went through strips its power over you. :)
Prayers!
 
@TeeJayUU and @bbats123 I have had a horrible month but I keep coming here talking to these amazing men and getting words or encouragement or recognition of my pain, they both help. The main this is I know I'm not alone.
 

bbats123

Registrant
@TeeJayUU and @bbats123 I have had a horrible month but I keep coming here talking to these amazing men and getting words or encouragement or recognition of my pain, they both help. The main this is I know I'm not alone.
FA, not feeling alone is so important and was the greatest gift when I found all of you. It's so weird how feelings change all the time in the aftermath of realizing I was abused. I still sometimes don't believe my brain and body bc the memories are so hidden. My brain doesn't connect w what happened as much as my body does. I think that sensation makes me feel alone bc it's like one part of myself vacated another part and they can't connect. 2 selves that talk but don't believe each other.

It's just day in day out rough and I appreciate your reminder to keep coming here and talking and thinking and helping when I can.

Onwards....
 
I’ve thought before, that prior to admitting that what happened was sexual abuse and that it had so much of a bad influence on your life, it was a time of coping with substances and unhealthy behaviors. At times it seems like it was easier.

It’s sort of like the guy in the Matrix that wanted to get back in and forget it all...
 
I still sometimes don't believe my brain and body bc the memories are so hidden. My brain doesn't connect w what happened as much as my body does.
Very deep - I think that goes with the trauma. I, too, have more hidden memories that remain uncovered - told my new T that is on the list of stuff we will be dealing with!! WHILE I was talking with him about it, my arm started TWITCHING - it did it twice (2 different spots on my arm) - completely NEW symptom - never twitched like that before - so bizarre. Like my body was freaking out about having to finally deal with all of this!!
 
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