I just can't

I just can't
B

Branson

Registrant
I started to write down what happened here tonight and I just couldn't do it. I saw the words, the memories and I just can't!

All I can do is cry. I can't even tell my lover. I just feel so awful and dirty. I didn't do anything wrong. Why is it like this? I just can't face this and look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Feels like I will see what I am.

I can't talk to my partner I can't talk anywhere,.

Branson
 
Hi Branson

I know exactly how you are feeling because I was there very recently.I was not able to tell anyone.My parents especially.
You may want to consider writing a letter like I did.I had alot of things I wanted to say but I just could not bring myself to say them.I took a couple of days to write a letter, and it was the best thing I could have done.
It may not be the perfect way to tell someone but thats the way I did it and it worked well for me, and I feel so much better for it.

Good luck.
 
Branson,

I know how you feel your partner is the hardest person to tell. The letter will help, do it soon while you are still able and as for the mirror goes I understand that too. I even recently got a hair cut that reminds me of one of the guys who did this to me.
 
Hi Branson, In your first post you told us you were raped repeatedly! I was only raped once, but I think I know what you mean by that! Telling your story is sort of like peeling a apple, you start on the outside and work your way in. Yes there are some guys who can take shortcuts, and slice the apple in half to get to the bad core, but most of us cannot! How about telling us about something that being raped has affected in you? For me I simply cannot approach a woman that I think is sexy, unless I have drunk enough that I don't worry about what she may be thinking about a stranger approaching her ( the guy that raped me was a stranger, and for a long time I thought it was due to him being attracted to me, but was not able to control himself) I also worry that I will lose control if I get to close to a girl that I am highly attracted to. I did get married, but if she should pass away, I would still have the same old problem!
 
Branson, hey you have us to tell it to.

If it hurts remembering the past, then let it go, come back when it feels safer.

I know that if I go into the past, then so much does not make sense, but there is real hurt there. It causes so much confusion and loss.

Take your time, post when you feel better, maybe take a break and recharge,

take care,

ste
 
Branson listen to your brothers here. Remember that first and foremost it is your decision to tell or not to tell. The nice thing about here is that there is no pressure to Perform. And we all know what that pressure did to us. In your own good time is perfectly alright. We are here for you always, no matter what.
 
HI Branson, I wanted to let you know that I feel like you have spoken the words right out of my own heart. I feel close to you as a person, you posting opened up the opportunity for me to open up with my spouse last night. She was caught me responding to your post and wanted to know what I was doing. I still did not want to show her but I have kept so much from her lately. I was afraid she would start thinking I did not love or trust her. Truth is you do not know how to trust what someones reactions will be. I have hurt and been alone for over two months. I have balled by myself almost daily, last night I did cry but I was also stale at times. I was able to salvage some of my dignity last night and she was an angel.

Thank you & I hope you are blessed the same way!
 
A Peak inside of someone elses pain.

Wifes name,

I love you and I am so glad I have had you in my life lately. I do not feel like the old "my name" any more, I just want to die. I cant believe this is what life is about; I was on top of the world again. Now for the first time I feel like I cannot fight or overcome something. If I did not have you lately I am positive I wouldnt be here. All I want is for you to hold me, I all want is to be able to open up to you. I think I maybe getting close but I do not know if I will ever be able to really do it. Maybe, someone can help me figure out how to tell you what has happened to me. I dont feel like a real man know more, even the Christmas presents for the bikes made me sad for who I used to be. I hope I can get back to there again, I hope you will love me the way have lately. I do not know if you have been given to me lately as a gift or if I am watching what could have been. I should have stayed with Felipe and this would have never happened. I feel like a coward for not being able to open up to you and a baby for needing you so close to me all the time. I cant talk about it on paper I am never going to be able to look at you tell you everything that happened. You are supposed to see me as the protector. I feel like I am an eight yr old kid again and everything makes me cry. "her name" what ever happens what ever I decide what ever I do. I want you to know I really do and always will love you. Just hang in their for me kid, I know it hasnt been fair not knowing what is going on. Trust me it is better than knowing!
 
missingmyself: I married my wife in 1967 and she knew nothing about my past until 2000. She definitely knew something was wrong tho. I was not the easiest guy to live with. I lashed out at those who love me the most. Nicole and my daughter Tanya. It finally all came out like a boil bursting and they both got really mad at me. You know why??? Because I did not tell them so they could help. I just wish to god now that I had not buried it for so long.
 
Thank you Mike, I have told my wife, she walked in on my reply to Branson. I had been keeping so much from her It just seemed like it was time. She has been very supportive and I love her so much. She gets agrevated at me when I tell her I am sorry. I seem to say that a lot anymore, I try to keep from crying or yelling which means she usually can't hear what I am saying. I can not talk to her face to face about most of it, we talk at night and I keep my head turned to the wall and into the pillow. I know this is the only way I can talk to her at all and that it is best to talk about it. However, it makes me mad that I respond like a child and not and grown man.

Thanks for your help, the holidays were so tough this year. Maybe that is why it happened when it did so I wouldn't be able to keep in pinned up like so many other have for so long.

Thanks again,

missingmyself
 
It is always hard to tell anyone, took me years to tell anyone, but eventually I told my therapist, found that was safe, so tried with my mother and brothers, I don't have a significant other in any sense of the word, so I don't know about that, but I'm sure that has to be maybe the most difficult, afraid they will see us the way we see ourselves, the being dirty and evil, but that was just forced into our heads, the evil SOB's did it to us, we are not dirty, we are not damaged, the abusers are. Just do what you can when you can, when you can talk about it, talk about, when you need to cry about it, cry about. Just let the feelings and real reactions come, and you will be fine, just don't rush it.

Peace,
Scott
 
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