I hurt her - need HELP

I hurt her - need HELP
M

MM

Registrant
I cant believe it, Ive hurt her last night, physically hurt her. We were sleeping and I was having another nightmare, and it was so real, I was feeling the pain all over again I dont know what I did, I really dont remember, I think I hit her and pushed her away and she fell from bed and she cut her head and broke her arm. I HURT HER!!! How could I do this to her? At the hospital they called the police to talk to her, they thought I had beaten her, I was so ashamed, I never thought Id do something like that, but I dont know how that happened, and I was sleeping.

Im so afraid of having those nightmares that Ive been asking her to be awake by my side during the nights, and I know I shouldnt do that, but Im so afraid of them, I couldnt help it. So pathetic but yesterday, I thought I would be OK. I dont know why I am still having those fucking nightmares, Im doing what everybody told me to do, Im going to therapy and Im taking sleeping pills and Im trying really hard, but I cant just forget!

Weve just came from hospital and shes sleeping now, but shes in so much pain. I begged her to forgive me, but she didnt, she said it was just an accident, and now I dont know what to do. I need her forgiveness, Im so afraid of losing her. Im going to change my bedroom so she can sleep in the bed and Im going to stay on the floor, I cant sleep by her side anymore, but Im going to miss her so much, I like hugging her before sleeping, feeling her body next to mine. She didnt deserve that.

I cant forget the abuse; Im so tired of having nightmares EVERYDAY. Even after taking sleeping pills I still have them, Im really tired, tired of being afraid, tired of everything. I want the hurt to stop, the memories, the embarrassment. I feel like I'm drowning myself in self-pity and I know self-pity is weak, incredibly stupid, and it's hurtful to others around me. I've never cried this much. It used to hurt so much that I couldn't do it, either. Im so fucked up.

I know I write about me and my issues a lot, I know everyone is tired of hearing about it as much as I'm certainly tired of feeling it, but I really need some help. Is there any drug I can take so I dont have any nightmares? Maybe I can take something that keeps me awake all the time, so I dont have to worry about having nightmares any more. If there is something I should be doing and Im not, please just tell me, I need advices.

Thanks.
 
Mark:

I begged her to forgive me, but she didnt, she said it was just an accident, and now I dont know what to do. I need her forgiveness, Im so afraid of losing her.
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She did not forgive you because there was nothing to forgive. It was just an accident she said. Accept that ok. Mark it was an accident snf just that.

During my nightmares my wife was terrified of me hurting her and she was always alert for anything while I was asleep.

I can feel you pain about your feelings of guilt but you gotta realize Mark that it is your SA and that alone that is causing this. Not You OK.

Now what I used to do was take a big stuffed animal to bed with me to sort of ground myself and it was my demon slayer. Mark get a big one. It might help.

Maybe sleeping on the floor is a good idea for a while. You can still hug her before you fall asleep.

Today take her some chocolates and some flowers and your love and believe me that will be enough.

Mark the road is really rough some times and I cannot say that it will always be smooth sailing. But it does get better.

Here is a url for information on this website that should be of help to you

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/index.htm

It contains a whole bunch of articles. Read them Mark I am sure they will help you.

This I think is a good one:
https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/char.htm

and this one:
https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/hoey.htm

Here is a book that might help
https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0961320583/malesurvivororg/102-3850988-7520106

or this one
https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1558743200/malesurvivororg/102-3850988-7520106

One or all of these may be of help to you Mark.

Please give our love to Eve and now it is your turn to be there for her. Your violence was because of your nightmare. In that it was not your fault and she recognizes it.

Your Canuck brother
 
Mark,

No one here is tired of hearing about your troubles. Thats what we are all here for to share our troubles and triumphs.

You have done a lot of brave things in such a short time. It will take time to sort the rest out. Thats one of the main ingredients in recovery; time. As well as patience, give some to yourself and to Eve, you both deserve truckloads.

Sorry to here about your gf's accident. And that it was.

Take gentle care,

Aaron
 
Mark,

Just stay with it. Do not let this incident slow you down. You told her how you felt and she undestands it was an accident. Take it from here. Keep talking. You are doing ok. This too shall pass.

Do not fight it. Go through it toward peace on the other side, however long it takes.

Freedom.
 
Mark
trust Eve, trust yourself.

If Eve say's there's "nothing to forgive, it was an accident" then that's what it was, is, and has to be - an accident.

Nightamres are horrible things, and I've hit Linda more than once in my sleep and known nothing about it until I get a "wake up call"

What we can do about nightmares is debatable, I go for a dump before I go to bed ( I know - far too much info' here ;) ) and I sit and read a book, NOTHING to do with SA, a novel or something.
But something that grips my imagination, and that way I drift off to sleep thinking about that.
It seems to help me.

And don't ever worry about how much you write here, it's why we ALL come here - to share our crap and learn new ways of dealing with it.
And most importantly, to share the support, and you have nowhere near used up your share.

Don't forget, chocolates and flowers.

Dave
 
I've posted this reply from the Family & Friends forum, I thought it needed to be here.
Dave

LovingPartner
New Here
Member # 1344


I had to start a new thread here because women aren't allowed to post in the male survivors forum. I wanted to reply because my hubby, a survivor, had the same problem. (I asked him if it was ok for me to post this, he said go ahead.) I remember waking up on the bedroom floor many times. He was asleep, and had no clue he even moved, let alone knocked me off the bed. I took the initiative and started to hold him in my arms or try to wake him up when he had the nightmares. I would talk to him and tell him it was me, not his perp. Could Eve have accidentally touched you while you were asleep? If I touched my hubby, even accidentally when I was rolling over, it could start a nightmare. (And it didn't even have to be a private area that I touched.) But sometimes when I tried to hold him, I guess he thought I was his perp, because he tried to fight me off him. Try a mix, maybe talking to you while she's trying to wake you, and once you're awake she can hold you while you two talk? And if it seems to be touch (anywhere) that sparks nightmares at times, then try giving each other a massage. Even a simple back massage or foot rub will work for starters. Then expand the area to be massaged. That way you both get a massage and you get used to being touched and you both find out if there are any areas that you aren't comfy being touched. Just a thought. I hope I helped. Please let us know if this works for you.
Eve knows you didn't intentionally hurt her. She loves you. Things will get better.
By the way, we don't mind listening to your problems. We all post our problems here, so you hear about our problems too. We are all here to help and support each other. Best of luck to you and Eve. If she needs some support, I am here. Just let me know.

LP
 
I like Dave's thoughts on this. Sometimes just giving ourself a few minutes before we go to bed to "relax" as best as we can or know how will make a world of differance. Sometimes I would say to myself that this is my time and I do not wish to let the nightmares in. While it did often help for me, there were times that it did not. It isn't easy but keep in mind that "this too shall pass" and it does, but soemtimes not quickly enough for many of us.

Don
 
I feel so tired, I cant even explain it. Its not just physical tiredness; my mind is tired as well, my head aches so much. I think that even if I was able to sleep days and days in a row, Id still be tired. I always had nightmares and flashbacks, only they were not so frequent in the past, but in the last weeks they became so usual, I have them AT LEAST daily. I feel my parents presence the whole day, its like they dont allow me to forget what happened, and I have to be remembered of it all the time. And it seems its getting worse and worse

Ive talked to my T about the accident and weve agreed that I need to work on my issues related to the abuse, so maybe I can understand why I have these nightmares. Im also going to ask him stronger sleeping pills, Id better be numb than all hyper because of the dreams. Ive kind of accepted that I cant fight against them; theyll be with me forever, so at least Ill be avoiding hurting her again.

Although Im aware the road to my full recovery is going to be really difficult, sometimes when Im depressed I write a lot of bullshit, so please dont take my words literally, it doesnt mean I dont believe you guys or that Im being impatient, its just Im concerned with its effects on her. One thing is YOU having to deal with YOUR OWN shit, another one is to have somebody you love hurt in the process of it. Anyway, Ill try to be in touch with you more frequently, I havent post in here so much because lately Im feeling really down, I think that all this crap is just too much for me, and going through all this has been too demanding.

I really would like to thank everybody who has cared and helped me through your messages and replies to my posts. Much of what is said here is new to me, and Im learning a lot from that. I wish all the best for you all.
 
Im learning a lot from that
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Mark,

You're learning because you have taken charge of your own recovey. You have grasped the kind of control you could never have had over the abuse.

You're working hard, and working through a lot of powerful feelings. It's natural to get tired. Take time to recharge when you need it. Give Eve time to recharge when she needs it. Take time together to recharge when you can.

You're a beacon of hope and a symbol of strength. Thanks for that.

Joe
 
Yep, nightmare season.

I became an expert at evading them. Military training really came in handy. Sleep different hours, and different places. I would sleep with a bayonet for "protection." It was a wacky compartmentalized part of me.

Believe it or not, now I can actually look back and smile and chuckle at me.

Generally there is some message in the nightmares. When the damaged parts of you find a better way to speak to you and get help from you, the nightmares tend fade away. They are not needed.

One of mine that went on for years was this nasty little damaged troll like creature that would follow me around, grab my arm and try to look in my eyes. Like it would possess my soul if it could see inside me. I would wake up and it would still be going on. I figured it was some sort of demon or something. I probably would have killed him if I could.

You know what? Good thing I did not. Turned it out it was me. From back then. I wound up calling him little Sunshine guy. He just looked so horrid and scary because that was how I would see myself from back then. He just wanted to come home. I don't see me then or now as scary. We are all OK, and happy at home, now.

Be patient and kind with yourself. You have been through a lot. All of you.

MM, (mho) I agree with everyone that it was just an accident but you should probably do something so that you cannot hit or push her again. The guilt is just extra load. You sure do not want more of it.

(a second mho) watch out for those meds . . . see www.drugawareness.org

See you,

Sunshine
 
do you really think you need this kind of extra load of guilty to carry? being a sa survivor is shit enough don't put more pressure on you man.

john
 
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