I hope it's Ok to Post here...

I hope it's Ok to Post here...
U

uncertain

Registrant
Greetings to all. I hope it is ok that I am posting here in this group. I am going through a period of questioning whether I was sexually abused/molested as a child; I do not have distinct memories, just a sense and a couple of flash images that came to my mind about 10 years ago that weren't explicit but scared me nevertheless.

I am in my 30's, and have, since my twenties, found myself drawn to stories of child abuse, to reading about forms of therapy for survivors. Is it strange to feel that you have been abused in some way but really have no memories?

My oldest sibling recently confided in me that they were sexually assaulted by relatives while they were growing up. I had no idea, but when I was told who one of the offenders was, I got chills down my spine and I immediately burst out crying. I was so scared I had to sleep with the light on that evening, and though it has been over a week since I found out, I have been so depressed and cannot shake the fear that I have been abused myself. I feel like a fraud because I have no memories, yet I have so many symptoms. On one hand, if it were true, at least I would better understand patterns of my thoughts and behaviors. On the other hand, I am terrified it may be true, and how I will deal with it if it is. My sibling can barely handle life right now.

I have always been afraid of other men - especially if they are bigger than I am. My sexual orientation is gay and has been for as long as I remember, yet I don't identify with it and I have never embraced it positively, though I have accepted that which I cannot change, if that makes sense. One of my sibling's perpetrators has red hair; when I realized this, a light went on in my head because I have always been repulsed by men with red hair, yet have never understood why. In my own childhood, there are many instances where I would have been left alone with this perpetrator.

I am extremely uncomfortable around men, even fearful and very tense, particularly being alone in a room with a man. I hate being like this, I always have been, and never knew why I felt this way. I have also had a very exaggerated startle reaction, especially if I am sleeping. If someone tries to wake me up while I am sleeping, or if I hear a noise, I will wake up and yell and gasp. This startle reaction has exacerbated since I found out about my siblings' SA, and a friend of mine who witnessed this the other day told me that I really need to get help for it. I looked it up on the net and found out it is a symptom of PTSD.

I have many other symptoms of PTSD... lack of concentration, highly anxious, and I have always felt like I have very little time left to live, thus I have never felt my future is important and I have immense trouble making plans or goals. Then again, I was also bullied in public school so perhaps this is the reason?

Anyway, I don't know if I belong here but I needed to talk so I thought I'd post. I am determined to be healed in every way and I thought maybe this is one area in which I need healing. I have read some of the posts here and can relate so much to the feelings and the fears... but I don't want to intrude. If you have any thoughts or similar experiences, I would be glad to hear from you here.

Thank-you for listening, my thoughts are with you all,

Uncertain.
 
Now I am so selfish... :( I am so fearful for myself, yet it is my sibling who is hurting right now.

How can I help support this sibling of mine who was so horribly assaulted as a child? I feel paralyzed, not knowing what to do, how to support.
 
Uncertain:

It is ok to te here and post believe me.

I am afraid I cannot help in the recall area as I have always known what happened. But I still suffer from the effects.

Someone once said that feelings dont lie. There are many signs that would point to your having been victimized. Remember though that you are not alone here.

There are some excellent articles under the heading Professionals on the front page of this site and I would suggest that you read them to clarify a few things.

You might also talk more to your sibling. It took me a long time to being friendly with another man older than myself and I knew all about it. I would always expect the worst. You will get a lot of ther posts here from people who have ad their SA burst upon them after being repressed for many years. Listen to their stories and understand where they are coming from.

Welcome to MSORG. You will find only compassion and fellowship here.
 
uncertain

from what I understand, lack of memories (and not just of the abuse) from that time in your life (as a child) is actually quite common in survivors.

I have much the same problem. There is a lot that I just don't remember. Never have been able to and I'm only 38 so alzheimers isn't here yet. It's just the way our mind chooses to deal (I hate it when my own mind betrays me).

You do seem to be on the right path though.

We are here to help you as much as we can through the rough spots. The rest of your healing is up to you.

Welcome to MS. I'm hopeful that you'll continue to contribute! :)
 
Hello Uncertain,
Welcome to the MS Forum. From what you describe it sounds very, very likely that you were abused.
Like the old saying goes: 'if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it's a damn duck!' In my opinion, retrieving the memories is not as important as what you do with your overall mental and emotional well being. I would suggest that as a first step you enter into therapy. Getting you healthy and happy is the first priority. You may want to encourage your male sibling(s) to come to this website. Take care. Peace, Andrew
 
Hi uncertain,

You surely sound as though something very traumatic happened to you. From some of your reactions, it sounds like you may have been a victim of childhood sexual abuse.

The rule of thumb we hear so often is to NOT try to force memories. They come when we are ready for them. Going to a therapist who is at least trained in dealing with PTSD is important. If s/he is knowledgeable about CSA that is all the better.

The memories may be trying to get through to you. So, as someone said, being in therapy at the time will help you with them.

Clearly, you have been terrorized by something. There are things that can be done to help with that. On our links page there is a link to some trauma pages, I think you should read them, especially, David Baldwin's

As to your sibling--what a tragedy. Here are some things that were important to me, and may be for him as well. BELIEVE him, be willing to listen to him if he wants to talk to you, and simplest of all, tell him you love him, and want to help in any way you can, but you need him to tell you how to be of help.

In my life, sometimes I wanted to talk and sometimes I did not. Sometimes I wanted something by way of support and at other times I wanted to be alone. Being alone can become isolation and that is not good.

I think I would have loved it if my much older brother had known--but I never told him. Then if he could have told me that he loved me and wanted to help, well, that would have meant a lot.

Keep coming here. The men here will have lots to share with you. WHEN, you wish to share do so. You already did share with us and we have given you a big welcome. If things get really bad for you, you can come here anytime you want, and you will connect with someone.

It is also really great advice to tell you sibling of this site, I take it that it is a brother. If it is a sister, then we can direct her to other sites. I just don't remember if you said it was a brother.

You mention that you are gay and not real settled with that. We have a forum here for gay survivors where you might find lots of help. The imporant thing is to treasure you as your are. We are getting better, but there are still some really whacko ideas about gay men, and some churches are messed up to the max with it. You are who you are, and who you are is really good. You will find very loving acceptance here as a gay man.

Take care friend, and peace to you.

Bob
 
Dear U,

Pull up a chair and join this rag tag wonderful group of men.
You might think that wonderful goes too far, but it doesn't. I've seen and read some incredible stories here and have personally experienced the love and encouragement that these great men can dish out.

You're in good, safe company, here.
A couple of suggestions, if I may.

Take a deep breath, maybe two or three more, and

Take your time,
Tell your story as it comes to you,

Take heart that you'll find courage and strength here as you get feed back from our sages.

Treat yourself gently, and others, too, at this time, if possible. It can be scary and you may find yourself getting angry where you wouldn't have before you started this process.

Find a therapist who has experience working with survivors of child sex abuse. Check with crises lines if no other sources are available to you for help in finding therapist.

Tell your sibling(s)that help is available--be willing to listen, you could form an even stronger bond because of your possible mutual experience.

Just a couple of ideas------

Welcome, post more when you're ready, we'll be here.

One of your new brothers in the struggle,

David
 
Uncertain
It's difficult to add anything to all this great help and support, so listen to all the guys who have been there and done that.

You are lucky in being able to talk a bit with your sibling ( brother ? ) and that's something you both should work on, learnt to really trust each other, respect each other and accept one another.
You'll find so much mutual support there.

I would also recommend seeing a therapist who has experience of SA, if you go through the excellent help from our "Home Page" you will find some therapists listed. If there isn't one near you and you wish to keep your location secret then send a Private Message to a Moderator and they will ask around for you.

I think it was Andrew who said "if it looks like a duck....etc" , and I tend to agree. You seem to have a lot of the traits of a survivor, and if your sibling has been abused by someone known to you both then it's a good chance you suffered at their hands as well.

So you're not in the wrong place for the wrong reasons, if you feel you need to be here then stay and share in the support and help that this place is so good at sharing.

Dave
 
I do not have distinct memories, just a sense and a couple of flash images
Click to expand...
Is it strange to feel that you have been abused in some way but really have no memories?
Click to expand...
No it's not strange at all. Uncertain--that's kinda where I was until 2 years ago. Be certain of this you've not been having those for nothing. Carefully check, with a good doctor & a good therapist, your body feelings & your emotional feelings. A lot of my abuse was locked up in my body & my emotions. For me it took 35 years from the last time I was abused; I'm 46 now. Be patient
with yourself, but be sure of yourself too.

I feel like a fraud because I have no memories, yet I have so many symptoms.
Click to expand...
That was me again; I have many of those kinds of symptoms and also am diagnosed PTSD. Believe me Uncertain it's quite easy to bury such awful memories or depersonalize them as if they happened to someone else. Trust the symptoms. If it looks like abuse...

On one hand, if it were true, at least I would better understand patterns of my thoughts and behaviors. On the other hand, I am terrified it may be true, and how I will deal with it if it is. My sibling can barely handle life right now.
Click to expand...
But your sibling is handling life. He is surviving, as will you. And you can now understand
yourself better--whatever happened.

I am extremely uncomfortable around men, even fearful and very tense, particularly being alone in a room with a man. I hate being like this, I always have been, and never knew why I felt this way.
Click to expand...
Uncertain, I relate to this, and it's taking time to get over, but I am.

This is a good safe "room" in which to be among men, men who are surviving sexual abuse.

Uncertain, you're concern for your sibling is great, but you must take care of yourself too. The more you find out the truth about whatever happened to you, the more you'll be able to help him to.

By the way having your sibling come here would not be a bad idea... :cool: If your sibling is female, she would still be more than welcome in the Family & Friends area, for sure.

Uncertain, you definitely belong here. You need to know the truth and this is a good place to help us find it.

All I know is, I've never seen a tornado, but I've seen what it does and I know what it was.

The same is true of my SA...

Take care. Keep coming & sort it out ok?

Victor
 
Uncertain,

By now you've heard welcomes from a lot of the guys here. There are many great people who come here to help one another.

As you can see, you are very welcome here. It's not good that you have these feelings which drove you to look for such a site, but I believe it is good that you have found us here.

I hope you take to heart the good advice from these good men. Take care of yourself. Trust your feelings. Let your sibling know about this site, especially if you mean a male sibling. Above all, though, take care of yourself. You deserve no less.

Thanks,

Joe
 
I think you are very welcome here, I am very new here also. But it does sound what you feel and what you think, you do for reasons. Maybe you will remember things as you think on it more, and have the time to think of it. But it does sound as it is suspicious, and you are welcome here in my thoughts. I wish you well.
 
uncertain -

Welcome and glad you are here and even happier you chose to post and share. Red hair? Boy can I identify with 'hating red haired guys'! I was raped at 8 by a red haired 14 year old. It wasn't until about 30 years later I suddenly remembered the rape and why I HATED!!!! red haired guys. Over the years I got over it! Red haired guys - you're okay!!

Memories? Sometimes we can't recall and I feel we should not force memories...it hurts and frustrates with little results. Sometimes we can recall but it is all screwed up because of our mind's defenses...with help these two memory issues can be resolved. Sometimes we remember all to vividly and accurately! Memories can be good if they point us to do healthy recovery. They can be toxic (poisonous) when they beat us down - causing depression, chaos, confusion, etc. I encourage you to get the help you need and come back, share, interact. Most all of us guys have traveled that rough road to wellness and emotional health.
Ask questions?! Share! You are not alone!!

Howard
 
Thanks guys for the welcome and all the good thoughts and advice. I am taking it all to heart and have been very touched. My brother does not wish to talk about it any further at the moment, so I will wait until he is ready.

Meanwhile, I will continue to read the posts here and contribute when I can. I have for the past several months been working a 12-step program for dysfunctional families, which has been invaluable and has helped me lead a much happier freer life. But then this SA thing came up... so, it is one more thing to be freed of, if that be the case. I am glad I can come here for support. I have always had difficulty making male friends yet it is something I have wanted so much. Thanks again! :)
 
I know that I am going to sound rather ignorant; however, when reading the posts of others, I do not see a place to reply to the post. Would someone please fill me in. Thank you, Andrew
 
As I read the many posts of so many, I, for the first time in my life, do not feel alone. Actually before discovering this site last week, I had never spoken of sexual abuse; I just lived with it and never understood why I felt guilty all of my life. I suppose it is because I took full responsibility and held none of those who abused me accountable. Nor have they ever been held accountable by anyone. I can only guess at the hundreds of lives that they have destroyed. I know for certain of many. I still wonder if those guys who did this to us ever feel any guilt or remorse. Truthfully, I think not. And in this age of awareness, I wonder how they feel when they constantly see specials on the destruction of child abuse to the victims. Do they just pretend they are innocent? How do they go through life knowing that they have runined so many other lives? I have no doubt that each of them are still abusing little boys who have no idea of the hell that these men are placing them in. They have no idea that what is happening now will follow them all the days of their lives and affect every single relationship that they attempt to establish. I could go on for hours but just wanted to vent for a moment.

Andrew
 
I know that I am going to sound rather ignorant; however, when reading the posts of others, I do not see a place to reply to the post. Would someone please fill me in. Thank you, Andrew
 
Have any of you ever noticed that regardless of how many years you add to your life, the little abused boy resides within you permanently. He is still there waiting to be rescued. He still wants someone to love him. He still wants someone to take him in their arms and say you are beautiful; you are precious. The little boy still wants an adult who will hold him for the right reasons. The little boy still wants someone who will make him feel safe. The little boy wants someone who will teach him about his body and teach him that it is something that belongs to him. The little boy wants to cry and someone say, "I am so sorry." It will never happen to you again. It was not your fault.

The little boy wants to look at the abusers and say, "How could you have taken my little boy emotions who loved you, who respected you, who thought you loved him but had no idea that sex was not love? Why did you not let me have my age of innocence? Why did you have to destroy my chidhood and just play, run, jump, laugh? Instead of stripping me of all dignity, why could you have not taught me to play ball, taught me the joy of catching my first fish, taught me how to work on a car, taught me so many beautiful things in life. Instead, you taught me that I was a worthless little thing that was made to be used, to please your sick sexual pleasures. Do you realize that I will never have the opportunity to experience that first beautiful, clean sexual experience? Do you understand that I will never have the chance to say that I made that choice on my own, right or wrong. You took so much away. I could write ten thousand pages and still never tell you how much damage you did to me. Do you know that I have never had an entire night's peaceful sleep since that first time wtih you? Do you know that I have never seen myself as clean no matter how many showers, how nice the clothes? No matter how much I try, I still feel dirty. YOu made me dirty all of my life. Do you know that when I make love to my wife I fill this great inner guilt taht I am somehow making her dirty too. It is like the stink of you is always on me. Do you know that after all of these years I can still smell you and it makes me gag. I can be walking down the street, just sitting in a chair, riding in a car and suddenly smell your body. I too can still taste you in my mouth. I can brush my teeth, use mouthwash, but it is still there. Do you know that my body still hurts from what you did to me. Do you know that the damage you did to my penis, the damage you did to my insides is still there, never healed. Permanent scars that I can see and feel. Now, try to go to sleep." Strange, but I think you will and sleep very well. I think you will even do sexual things to please yourself and still think of me, of hurting me! Think about it!!
 
Of course it is all right for you to post here. I think there is some saying 'If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, maybe it's a duck' (or an Aflac salesman, haha). If you have such symptoms of PTSD, and you can not think of reason for it, then it is quite possible you have been abused. Maybe you can talk with a therapist about your suspicions as well as what your sibling has recently brought up. That could help you, and could help you help your sibling also. I wish you good luck, and I hope you continue to come here.

Leosha
 
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