I HAVE SURVIVED

I HAVE SURVIVED
J

justplainme

Registrant
New thread i want to instill, let's all focus on how immensely strong we are for being alive and fighting still.

Lists are always helpful.

SO FAR I HAVE SURVIVED :

RAPE
PHYSICAL SADISTIC BEATINGS AT THE HANDS OF MY FATHER
BETRAYAL
MULTIPLE CAR CRASHS
PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE
MEDICAL SURGERIES
ALCOHOLISM

I'm 29 and have been to hell and back., im still here. im still here. Marching on. Never going to give up.


How about you? What is your list?
 
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Good for you, Justplainme!! You certainly have survived, and with vengeance, I might add ;-) Perhaps this may or may not have been your experience, but I often give myself less credit than deserved or forget about certain things I've survived or accomplished when compiling a list. No one human being- survivor of trauma or not- goes through life totally unscathed. However, it is these negative experiences which can be used to help motivate and inspire us.

What have I survived at 22 going on to 23?

  • Physically and emotionally abusive parents
  • Homophobia
  • 6 years of online sexual exploitation as a minor
  • 2 rapes
  • several surgeries and a few medical conditions
  • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

I am trying to remember, but there are for sure other things in there. I tend to celebrate and list my achievements and accomplishments more.

For example, while I was at the height of my PTSD and dealing with my sexual trauma:

  • I had a surgery and 4 month long recovery where I had to be treated by a nurse everyday
  • I was working two jobs
  • took a course overload at university
  • lived between 2 countries
  • graduated with honours and snapped up two awards
  • Still dealt with my homophobic family
  • Was a student registered with disabilities because of my physcological troubles
  • Completed two intensive research theses
  • Made several large research presentations and organized a conference
  • I was the front cover story of the university homepage for my research
  • Still maintained my close friendships and met a few fantastic people along the way
Not bad! And that's not including since I graduated and have gone on to work more intensely on my sexual trauma recovery.
 
Being betrayed. The big betrayal for sex. Maybe the way some young girls feel.

Give me sex and you will become a man.

The rest of my issues I have survived seem to be of my own making. So I won't put them at the feet of CSA.

I survived knowing deep down inside that I sucked dick as a 7 year old. I vividly remember episodes. That really screwed with my self esteem as a man. Humiliation. Shame. Self hatred

It took time to realize it was not my fault.

I survived the internal war with myself.

Today I am ok with me. I was abused as a kid. But I survived!!

Congrats to all of you that survived. This is a great thing to remember.

Thanks for the thread!
 
JayBro said:
Good for you, Justplainme!! You certainly have survived, and with vengeance, I might add ;-) Perhaps this may or may not have been your experience, but I often give myself less credit than deserved or forget about certain things I've survived or accomplished when compiling a list. No one human being- survivor of trauma or not- goes through life totally unscathed. However, it is these negative experiences which can be used to help motivate and inspire us.

What have I survived at 22 going on to 23?

  • Physically and emotionally abusive parents
  • Homophobia
  • 6 years of online sexual exploitation as a minor
  • 2 rapes
  • several surgeries and a few medical conditions
  • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

I am trying to remember, but there are for sure other things in there. I tend to celebrate and list my achievements and accomplishments more.

For example, while I was at the height of my PTSD and dealing with my sexual trauma:

  • I had a surgery and 4 month long recovery where I had to be treated by a nurse everyday
  • I was working two jobs
  • took a course overload at university
  • lived between 2 countries
  • graduated with honours and snapped up two awards
  • Still dealt with my homophobic family
  • Was a student registered with disabilities because of my physcological troubles
  • Completed two intensive research theses
  • Made several large research presentations and organized a conference
  • I was the front cover story of the university homepage for my research
  • Still maintained my close friendships and met a few fantastic people along the way
Not bad! And that's not including since I graduated and have gone on to work more intensely on my sexual trauma recovery.
Click to expand...

This list is very inspiring Jaybro.
It pains me to read the rest, but im sure that your determination is tenfold stronger than what you experienced, no longer just a survivor. A WARRIOR!
 
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On The Fringe said:
Being betrayed. The big betrayal for sex. Maybe the way some young girls feel.

Give me sex and you will become a man.

The rest of my issues I have survived seem to be of my own making. So I won't put them at the feet of CSA.

I survived knowing deep down inside that I sucked dick as a 7 year old. I vividly remember episodes. That really screwed with my self esteem as a man. Humiliation. Shame. Self hatred

It took time to realize it was not my fault.

I survived the internal war with myself.

Today I am ok with me. I was abused as a kid. But I survived!!

Congrats to all of you that survived. This is a great thing to remember.

Thanks for the thread!
Click to expand...

I needed to read this. Thanks for sharing.
 
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jas4159 said:
i love your determination. And it took a lot of courage to survive.

stay strong. you are an inspiration to me and others.
Click to expand...


I'm sure i speak for all when i say we wish you the same fellow survivor. Do not go gently into the night. Never without a fight.
 
justplainme -

this is an inspiring thread. when i look at it this way - instead of what i "suffered" - it puts a whole new positive spin on it. thank you for starting it.

what i survived

i survived my father's death when i was 3.
i survived my mom's marriage to an abusive step-dad.
i survived his verbal and emotional abuse for 12 years and his physical as well as sexual abuse for the first 6 years.
i survived rape at his hands with a foreign object at age 6.
i survived realizing that my mom would never be there for me - and emotionally separating from her at age 11.
i survived isolation and alienation from my extended family.
i survived systematic and continuous bullying through 6th and 7th grades.
i survived sexual harassment and abuse in the middle school locker room and rest room by a gang of jocks.
i survived "initiation," bullying and a forced circle jerk in scouts at age 12.
i survived a gang assault at 12 that left me with a broken nose, 2 black eyes, bruises all over my body, and a concussion.
i survived shutting down emotionally at age 12.
i survived night terrors, recurring nightmares, migraine headaches, digestive problems, and other unexplained ailments throughout my adolescence.
i survived decades of depression.
i survived 3 periods of suicidal urges and plans - at 12-13, at 15-16, and in my mid-30s.
i survived leaving my family and being cut off from them from age 18 on.
i survived years of low self-esteem, isolation, and perceived worthlessness.
i survived years of confusion about my orientation.
i survived sexual dysfuction, asexuality and hypersexuality at various periods.
i survived porn addiction and fantasy scenarios that re-enacted the abuse.
i survived decades of guilt and shame because of what was done to me.
i survived repeated workplace abuses, being taken advantage of and overworked/underpaid.
i survived periods of underemployment and unemployment.
i survived several years in an abusive and dictatorial religious cult.
i survived a pastor who used my secrets, revealed in confidential counseling, to try to seduce my wife.
i survived receiving charity to keep my wife and children fed and housed.
i survived the betrayal of "friends."
i survived great financial losses.
i survived the teen years of my 3 kids ;-)
i survived trying to go it alone because i feared my wife's disgust, judgement, condemnation, and rejection if she ever found out. (none of which happened - she forgave, loved and supported me through the worst.)
i survived two breakdowns and periods of intense therapy to help me function again.
i survived a tsunami of conflict, emotion, and devastation when the repressed memories all returned in full force.
i survived multiple and frequent flashbacks, recurring nightmares, and anxiety attacks as an adult in recovery.
I SURVIVED TELLING ALL MY UGLY DIRTY SECRETS TO MY THERAPIST, MY WIFE AND A TRUSTED FRIEND.
i survived group therapy.
i survived the hard work of rebuilding my sense of identity, self-esteem and well-being/recovery during the past couple of years.

i survived - that's the bottom line.
and i am thankful.
lee
 
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I Survived:

Brutal rapes by my father in infancy and early childhood.
Again at age 8, still blocked

Systematic domination and torture by my mother as a sex toy in infancy and early childhood to age 3 1/2. Two other children by then to work with.

Growing up not being seen or valued. My only value was how well my performance reflected on my parents, and what I could do for them.

Lifetime of depressive problems.
Overdose of pills age 19 coming out as gay and being excommunicated by my father.

Growing up the son of a retired marine and southern baptist preacher.

Growing up in the violent and bigoted version of Christianity predominant in the rural southern u. s.

alcoholism
serial monogamous relationships with unavailable men
living many years of a materialistic life not at all me
anonymous sex addiction
spiritual awakening at age 45
leaving material world behind at 45
quitting drinking at 45
realizing everyone and everything in my life revolved around alcohol and money
leaving everything and everyone revolving around alcohol and money
trusting I'd wind up in the right space if I just began to rid myself of the things in my life that didn't work for me
beginning to remember father's abuse at age 53
divorcing family of origin at age 53
relocating to Caribbean at age 53 on faith
going totally broke and unable to work at age 56
learning how to get food stamps
applying for social security disability and getting declined
living for 7 years rent free and utility free basically as an indentured servant--really cleared up some dependency issues
losing 50 lbs. trying to live on rice and beans before I could wrap my mind around getting food stamps
watching my nervous system health decline so I could no longer drive a car
not able to afford a car--big change
detoxing from materialism
beginning to remember mother's abuse at age 63
getting through many serious physical issues while beginning to understand my mother's sexual abuse and torture
finally ending addiction to abusive relationships at age 64(now)
finally getting to the feeling level of me as abused infant(now)
 
Lee and Don. Thank you for sharing. We are here. Nothing can take that away from us. So many things have aimed at our destruction and failed.
Let that be a sign of how potent we are, how unyielding we are to never succumb to the shadows.
Stay strong my brothers.
 
Thanks Justplainme,

Doing this exercise is a continuation of me spilling the beans and not minimizing my experience to myself. Also, doing this and reading others' survivor lists makes me feel like a part of a family. I don't usually need for anyone to actually do anything for me, but if I am to be in relationship I do need to be seen and valued. Thank you Justplainme.

Don
 
Reading this took me to the toilet in seconds, this is second time response today
 
Me too Victor
 
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