I Have Strong Reason To Believe My Boyfriend Was Sexually Abused By His Mother, And I Need To Help Him.
cicismith135
Registrant
Hello,
I have come here to seek help for my boyfriend whom I suspect has been insestually abused. I am very grateful to have found this forum and I thank all those who gained the courage to share their stories. My deepest sympathies go out to you all and I wish you nothing but the best on your healing journey. Your posts have given me the strength to finally take action on the matter, I have been confused and stressed for so long on what to do and how to approach him.
We have been together just over 2 years and the suffering caused by his mother only continues to grow worse. It’s time for me to step in and do everything I can to help him. I will explain the timeline of events chronologically. The first 3 weeks of our relationship we were having sex near 5 times a day, which I felt was normal during the honeymoon phase. He told me he’d “never had so much sex in his life,” and he’d “wonder how long this would last.” This felt odd, but I paid no mind to it. Soon after he started opening up about his sick mother, at first he was very vague and I interpreted that she had dementia. But soon found out she was a severe alcoholic, with depression and brain injury from the 30+ drunken incidents that led her to the ER. Her mother died by suicide when she was just 6, and she told me she was abused by her step mother. She’s incapable of self-care and needs 24/7 supervision, and my boyfriend was the only person in his family who supported her for the past decade. At first I saw this as heroic, that he was a really good son. As things unraveled, it’s a clear case of Stockholm syndrome. One by one each family member abandoned her because they could not deal with her behavior any longer, she has gone to multiple rehabs, and retirement homes. She’s in her mid 50s, but has a memory span of 2 minutes, she’s completely disassociated. He has had to deal with this for most of his life, in his teens he would act out in class which resulted in his mother sending him away to one of those boot camp schools where they kidnapped him and he had to earn all his privileges - like a pillow to sleep on, using the toilet etc. with “good behavior” meaning, to take the neglect and abuse they inflicted. This only traumatized him further. He has broken down sobbing to me about 15 times longing for the love of his mother, wishing he could just have his mother back. At this point, I view the situation as a bad case of neglect, and I comfort him as much as I can through it. I spent 2 weeks packing up her belongings to send her to a new retirement home, my boyfriend was exhausted from moving her from place to place every year, it would be too painful to do it again - so I was happy to do this for him. I found hidden alcohol everywhere, and she offered me sex board games and lube to use with my boyfriend, when sorting through her stuff. This made me uncomfortable, but again I paid no mind. I excused it for her absent mind. She was kicked out of this top of this line retirement home we spent months trying to get her in to, in just 3 days… For a drunken accident. Now she lives with her daughter in another state, to take the weight off my boyfriend. Once I saw first hand what he is dealing with, I started to understand why he is the way he is. For example, on his birthday he got into a fight at 2 different bars and we were kicked out. When we got home he broke down crying saying he wishes he could control his anger and he hates this about himself. Without any word proceeded to show me a video, from a year ago, of his mother drunk is his bed begging for sex. She said “can we have sex, please. Please?!” I was shocked and sick to my stomach. She was staying at his house and managed to find alcohol while he was out working. He came home to find she had pissed in his bed and was asking for sex. Him showing me this video was a cry for help, I could tell he wanted to tell me more so badly, but the words were trapped inside of him. 6 months have passed since the video and I have not brought it up, I have been avoiding it… but it keeps replaying in my mind as if I was there. I can’t sweep it under the rug, because it’s uncomfortable to talk about, his pain is no match against my discomfort. My silence is deadly and enables these things to continue. I can no longer be a part of the problem. I have to face fact that this is just this video is just of the ice berg; his mother sexually abused him. It would explain his explosive anger, delusions of betrayal, controlling tendencies, intimacy issues, his lack of sex drive (we went 5 months without - currently have sex once or twice a month), and why he doesn’t want to go down on me. He is physically healthy and has a successful business that he built from the ground up, I see he has turned his pain into drive. But at the same time he is constantly in survival mode, he is overly prepared for everything and always on the go, he is distracting himself in every way possible. Beneath the big muscles, the big smiles, and list of achievements, there is a wounded soul. He is one of the most outstanding human beings I have ever met, the only person I’ve ever trusted, the only person I can fully rely on, the person I would want to be with of the world was ending, he goes above and beyond in every way he knows how, and all of his friends have nothing but good things to say about him. He has consciously made the decision to not let the abuse ruin him, he is the warrior that vowed to end the cycle of his generational abuse. He deserves peace. I will take any advice or insight you have to give! I’m now ready to take on this journey and be by his side every step of the way.
Thank you.
I have come here to seek help for my boyfriend whom I suspect has been insestually abused. I am very grateful to have found this forum and I thank all those who gained the courage to share their stories. My deepest sympathies go out to you all and I wish you nothing but the best on your healing journey. Your posts have given me the strength to finally take action on the matter, I have been confused and stressed for so long on what to do and how to approach him.
We have been together just over 2 years and the suffering caused by his mother only continues to grow worse. It’s time for me to step in and do everything I can to help him. I will explain the timeline of events chronologically. The first 3 weeks of our relationship we were having sex near 5 times a day, which I felt was normal during the honeymoon phase. He told me he’d “never had so much sex in his life,” and he’d “wonder how long this would last.” This felt odd, but I paid no mind to it. Soon after he started opening up about his sick mother, at first he was very vague and I interpreted that she had dementia. But soon found out she was a severe alcoholic, with depression and brain injury from the 30+ drunken incidents that led her to the ER. Her mother died by suicide when she was just 6, and she told me she was abused by her step mother. She’s incapable of self-care and needs 24/7 supervision, and my boyfriend was the only person in his family who supported her for the past decade. At first I saw this as heroic, that he was a really good son. As things unraveled, it’s a clear case of Stockholm syndrome. One by one each family member abandoned her because they could not deal with her behavior any longer, she has gone to multiple rehabs, and retirement homes. She’s in her mid 50s, but has a memory span of 2 minutes, she’s completely disassociated. He has had to deal with this for most of his life, in his teens he would act out in class which resulted in his mother sending him away to one of those boot camp schools where they kidnapped him and he had to earn all his privileges - like a pillow to sleep on, using the toilet etc. with “good behavior” meaning, to take the neglect and abuse they inflicted. This only traumatized him further. He has broken down sobbing to me about 15 times longing for the love of his mother, wishing he could just have his mother back. At this point, I view the situation as a bad case of neglect, and I comfort him as much as I can through it. I spent 2 weeks packing up her belongings to send her to a new retirement home, my boyfriend was exhausted from moving her from place to place every year, it would be too painful to do it again - so I was happy to do this for him. I found hidden alcohol everywhere, and she offered me sex board games and lube to use with my boyfriend, when sorting through her stuff. This made me uncomfortable, but again I paid no mind. I excused it for her absent mind. She was kicked out of this top of this line retirement home we spent months trying to get her in to, in just 3 days… For a drunken accident. Now she lives with her daughter in another state, to take the weight off my boyfriend. Once I saw first hand what he is dealing with, I started to understand why he is the way he is. For example, on his birthday he got into a fight at 2 different bars and we were kicked out. When we got home he broke down crying saying he wishes he could control his anger and he hates this about himself. Without any word proceeded to show me a video, from a year ago, of his mother drunk is his bed begging for sex. She said “can we have sex, please. Please?!” I was shocked and sick to my stomach. She was staying at his house and managed to find alcohol while he was out working. He came home to find she had pissed in his bed and was asking for sex. Him showing me this video was a cry for help, I could tell he wanted to tell me more so badly, but the words were trapped inside of him. 6 months have passed since the video and I have not brought it up, I have been avoiding it… but it keeps replaying in my mind as if I was there. I can’t sweep it under the rug, because it’s uncomfortable to talk about, his pain is no match against my discomfort. My silence is deadly and enables these things to continue. I can no longer be a part of the problem. I have to face fact that this is just this video is just of the ice berg; his mother sexually abused him. It would explain his explosive anger, delusions of betrayal, controlling tendencies, intimacy issues, his lack of sex drive (we went 5 months without - currently have sex once or twice a month), and why he doesn’t want to go down on me. He is physically healthy and has a successful business that he built from the ground up, I see he has turned his pain into drive. But at the same time he is constantly in survival mode, he is overly prepared for everything and always on the go, he is distracting himself in every way possible. Beneath the big muscles, the big smiles, and list of achievements, there is a wounded soul. He is one of the most outstanding human beings I have ever met, the only person I’ve ever trusted, the only person I can fully rely on, the person I would want to be with of the world was ending, he goes above and beyond in every way he knows how, and all of his friends have nothing but good things to say about him. He has consciously made the decision to not let the abuse ruin him, he is the warrior that vowed to end the cycle of his generational abuse. He deserves peace. I will take any advice or insight you have to give! I’m now ready to take on this journey and be by his side every step of the way.
Thank you.