I have PTSD. Now it is official.

[1islandboy]

I used to throw the term around a lot, as I had all the signs and symptoms. Every once in a while, I would qualify it with the fact that I never had a professional diagnosis. (assumed).

Well...all of that has changed. I now have a professional diagnosis. So what does this mean...??? Do I now have an excuse to act out like a raving psychotic lunatic...??? Hardly. This is just one more reason that I need to be just that more accountable.

To be honest, it is kind of a relief, to have an official diagnosis.

I thought is was the strangest phucking thing to be repeatedly abducted by aliens, at the weirdest times... (later I learned that, what I was describing, was known a dissociative episode).

I also believe that, I have been able to shut down the hyper vigilance for the most part, now that I know exactly what is going on there. (that whole eyes of a predator/prey thing, is really absolutely exhausting over time).

So I am not sure if I should be feeling anything else, just kind of reflecting...



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~island

 

[LinEar]

Thanks for sharing. Hypervigilance is indeed extremely exhausting.

 

[KMCINVA]

1islandboy

thank you for the update. I too felt somewhat relieved to learn what I had but it took me time to understand PTSD. I had thought it was solely related to veterans and war. I started to read as much as I could about the condition and learned it crosses all trauma. My life of lost time, dissociation, nightmares, flashbacks started to make sense, it was all because of those abusive experiences as a child at the hands of the priest. I learned it is better to know because that was the only way I could learn to heal. It also allowed me understand the need to develop new and healthier coping mechanism instead of the abyss of dissociating and loosing time.

As linear said "hyervigilance is indeed extremely exhausting". For me I would find the threat overwhelming and I have been told it overloaded the fight / flight system. For me to cope with the reemergence of the trauma my brain goes into a Freeze state, and I would have emotional separation and detachment. I would loose sense of self and time and would begin to travel or flee. No memories of what occurred during this time, but I have been told it is normal when in this state not to have a memory of events. I also learned it is still me but a part of me that is buried, namely the child within. It was scary to learn I was the one who over utilized this coping mechanism as a child and it became a way of life. Until I learned it was my way of survival and to bury the abuse.

All this makes me wonder, why the world does not encourage children to share traumatic experiences instead of sending messages to the contrary and then I wonder even if the world sent messages that it is alright to disclose would the grooming and words of the abuser be more controlling? I personally will never know because the abuse did control my life for so long.

I hope the diagnosis helps you find a way to continue to minimize the effects of the PTSD and to allow you to gain control over your situation.

Kevin