i have had sevral abusers and I need to confront a living one.


What should I do first? I rememeber his name, and the three guys that know him all of sudden refuse to get involved. I think I filed a police report 2o some odd yrs ago, not sure tho! Now these guys i entrusted my trust to them and they and now they are denying that the abuser was abusing them (mentally-sexual inuendos which were the same as he said to me 21 yrs ago.I now know I must first go the library find the old the address, he no longer lives there, but at least I can find his name, go from there.

I will write the church one more time and ask for a confrontantional meeting with him, if they say no, then I have a right to confront him if I find where he lives. All this will be done diplomatically and very sincerely.

I confronted my dad, and I mean no one has any right to abuse anyone physically, emotionally- the ultimate is sexual violation of our bodies.

Thanks for listening,
Im going to start counseling again and I think the new medicine is working , I seem to feel better each day.


[ 07-30-2001: Message edited by: dbr1955 ]


Hi dbr1955,
I too was abused by many and I can identify with a desire to confront them. I recommend caution. Showing up on his door step could prove to be dangerous and you have too much to loose. Do your homework in therapy first. Only one of the men who abused me has acknowledged to me what he did was wrong and he regrets it. Another is not allowed to talk to me but would probably say the same. I don't know that anything he could say would be acceptable to my ears. The rest are either strangers or refust to acknowledge it even happened or speak with me.

Identify your expectations and identify several ways he might respond. Make plans for what you will do for each of the ways he might respond.

Have someone you trust (your support group) available before and after the confrontation.

Under no circumstances should you meet with him alone! arrange a moderator who is experienced with these kinds of meetings. arrange for the meeting to take place in a SAFE and nutral environment. Have an adjenda and bring it. Be prepared to depart from that adjenda and know what your boundries are should that happen. Know what behaviors (his) you are willing to tolerate and when you will walk away.

I know this sounds like a lot of work but it's worth it. a great deal of healing takes place in this kind of preparation. I spent three months preparing to meet with one and in the end he backed out. I think the work I did was worth it anyway. For one thing, even though he backed out, he is no longer in control. I also spend over two months preparing for another confrontation. I was expecting fireworks and satisfaction. What I got was full acceptance of responsibility and a kind of restful sadness I don't yet understand. I no longer hate him or fear for the safety of his children.

What ever you decide to do, take care and be safe.