I have disclosed

I have disclosed
Hauser

Hauser

Registrant
It was calm. Only my Dad was there. It hit him fairly hard. My Mom was going to be there but I failed to tell her the appointed time. She just called and wanted to talk about the findings of the learning/memory assesment tests that I took.

She had already talked to my Dad, (they are divorced), and he didn't tell her. He knows that I wanted her to know but didn't say it. Nobody likes to talk about it.

I don't feel well right now. I feel out of place and ..............different. Wierd.

Immediately after the psych told him about the abuse, I inturrupted her report and had something to say.

I said, "Dad, I know I don't have to apologize, but I want to say that I'm sorry that I didn't come to you, I'm sorry that it took alomst 30 years to muster of the courage to bring it up, I know now that I could always have come to you." I then let the psych continue.

I scored very high on many of the tests. Only in the memory/applications parts did I fall way short.

They said that they rarely see people with such a desparity in the higher learning test, then fail to use them.

They agree with what I said about not being able to focus or concentrate. I've been plowing through thoughts just to get to the task at hand. I've had a 2000 lb anchor attached to me my whole life. No wonder I couldn't get anywhere.

I don't like how I feel right now.
 
i felt much the same the first time i posted my story here ,but it was the begining of something good ,it is that much less shit you have to carry around ,you've carried it so long it must feel weird to not have it in your heart anymore ,i knew you could do it ,it is almost like admitting you did something wrong ain't it? but you did nothing wrong ,i know i felt guilty just for telling about it here ,but the feeling went away , adam
 
I am so glad that you where able to get through everything it is only natural that you are feeling very overloaded right now - take it very easy on yourself for a few days

When you mentioned about the memory test and the problem with not being able to focus and concentrate - it was like a lightbulb came on in my head - that is exactly how it is with my mind - it's not that I'm dumb - it's just that I have trouble with focusing my thoughts and concentrating sometimes - I'd never before thought about the possibility of that having something to do with the abuse

it can be a very good thing to get rid of that weight that you have been carrying around for so very long

Take good care of you,

TJ jeff
 
Hauser,

You've spoken some really hard truths today with bravery, honesty and good will. I applaud the really hard work you did to get where you needed today, man.

You say you don't feel good as you post, and further down you say you don't like how you feel. Everybody here knows something about those two slightly different conditions. And everybody who's been here for a while can tell you that yeah, some feelings really do hurt like the billy-oh, but no feeling is ever more than you can bear. They do feel like that sometimes, but the more you feel, the better you get at appreciating the ability to do it. Because you know what? Some feelings are really fantastic, and you're going to feel those, too, in the days, weeks, months and years ahead. I hope you're safe where you are, and know that I'm rooting for you.

Really man, what you did today is *totally* excellent.

Hugs,
John
She had already talked to my Dad, (they are divorced), and he didn't tell her. He knows that I wanted her to know but didn't say it. Nobody likes to talk about it.
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Hauser,

I've no time here to post this evening but just checked in to see how things went with you.

I too think you did real good. I'm glad it seemed to have gone well. I'll try to do a better job of this tomorrow evening.

For now, just know that my thoughts and prayers are still with you as you continue to process all that's taken place.

Lots of love,

John
 
clapclap for Hauser.

I'm going to add that I've had the same problem with concentration and memory. I have to work incredibly hard to keep myself from zoning out. I misplace things all the time - dissociative reflex? Dunno.

-John
 
Hauser,

Yes, it is a strange experience after you disclose to parents. I felt somehow empty and lost for a day or so afterwards.

I am not surprised your father took it hard. A good father's first reaction will be "I didn't protect my son", or as my Dad said, "How did he get past me?" My father closed down for a few days while he processed what I had told him. I let him know that I wanted to talk further with him, but he wasn't ready so I let it go for the time being.

When he did come around we were able to clear the air about a lot of things, and overall I was very pleased with the result.

I would say give your father a day or to and just keep letting him know that you are ready to talk further. He may well be carrying a lot of guilt that doesn't belong to him.

Much love,
Larry
 
roadrunners sound advice shines through again.

They haven't emailed or called me about anything yet.
 
Hauser,

Bro, I know this hurts and I know it hurts bad. All I can do is ask you to imagine how your father feels. He thinks everything is cool, and suddenly a whole part of his life comes crashing down in ruins - someone molested HIS boy. As the father of a son myself I can tell you that would be one of the worst things I could ever hear.

Your Dad will now be processing things and trying to come to terms with what you told him. I wouldn't let him stew for too long; he might think that you have said your bit and now he is left to cope. Maybe check with that T you used and see what advice you get.

Pretty soon you will need to get in touch with him if he doesn't take any initiative. Silence from him doesn't mean he doesn't care, just that he is feeling so terribly hurt and guilty.

As I said, my Dad closed down the store when I disclosed. He moped and fumed for a few days, and once at the breakfast table I tried to talk to him when others had left the room. He put up his hand and told me, Larry, please, I can't. I thought okay, but came back at him a few hours later and told him we do have to talk and hiding in a hole isn't good for either of us.

Hauser it sounds like your Dad is a good man, so eventually I hope this will work out. You just have to be a bit patient and gentle with him, but don't let him retreat into a shell about this. He is doing that because he is so full of guilt and anger, but that's a bad place to stay, just as it is for us.

These are just my thoughts as someone who has been through this. I would really urge you to see what ideas you can get from that T, who has seen your father face-to-face.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hauser

A huge pat on the back from me to you. I know how hard it is to disclose to a parent. I disclosed to my father a few years back... and the response ..... was "did I bring any other boys into the ring" sod all aboutr my welfare. He knows my history of addiction, my identity crisis, being a Rent Boy (male hustler), my time homeless (as it was him that kicked me out of the house that led to me being picked up by my original abuser) and five years in and out of differing psychiatric units, rehabs and general hospitals. I have not spoken to him since and I hope I never speak with him again.

I would like to think that he would occasionally think that "I didnt protect my son" but somehow I doubt it. If he does/did, I hope it haunts him for the rest of his days.

Kirk
 
Hauser,
Now that you've disclosed, there may be times you had wished you didn't. But it was worth it.
 
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