I have been stuck in precedence

[markgreyblue]

brothers - i do not know if this makes sense or not
but i confided in bill earlier tonight that
i was asked to be ther perfect emotional servant for each member of my family -
i was desperate though to have a moral orientation - it was the one thing - along with my unusual mind that i could retreat into -

my body's lust awakened at a very early age -
subsumed my childhood abused emotions -

and i became a mini adult - moralizing - wise
and getting on more with senior citizens then
i ever did my piers - thought my piers and sex
were oh so confused - as you could read in other postings of mine here -
at the same time being this mini adult -
i was emotionally a wired little kid - when it came to revealing where i was at that moment -

this is hard to describe in non dramatic terms

i was sensoring - to stay safe and yet make sense of things - i analyzed and mimicked -

and now i realize after freeing myself from
that world -

i now realize i have been stuck in this "precendental" thought - only behaving in the way that was safe

now i know i am dicovering how to be/exist in just the moment - the validity of my desire or non desire - my thoughts
and what i want to share - or talk about -

(very much want a friend right now-just to "...be..." co - exist and co- experience with)

this is really a special night for me - i know what i am feeling - yet the feeling now in knowing it is there and not overcoming.

doesn't take it away - - but i know what to do about it now - i think

 

[Malidin41]

Hello my friend,
I do not really know what you are asking if anything but I just wanted to say I know what you are feeling. As a child I always felt much older than my piers and never felt equal with them because they could never understand what I thought to be the most simplest things when it came to deep conversation or pain. I always felt like an out cast and felt more comfortable around adults especially males. You are not alone my friend and if you ever want to talk I would love for the chance to be that friend that you are searching for please feel free to pm me anytime. Your friend malidin.

 

[Aden]

Your concept of being an emotional servent sounds so like me. My mom always told me that I was the one that had to be the adult. I had to subliminate all of my feeling and needs to the desires of every one else.

I still do that a lot. Maybe it is time we get over that big lie. Come up with any good ideas, keep me filled in!

Aden