I Have Been Quiet Here for Sometime

I Have Been Quiet Here for Sometime
K

KMCINVA

Staff member
Hello

I took a bit of a hiatus from the site. My friends have noticed an evolving me since the death of the abuser in April from Covid. I admit I struggle for some time, thinking and reliving the abuse. Over the past two months I have come to terms with his death and the abuse as well as accepting some will never accept the truth of the abuse. I distance myself from them and will never let them treat me as they did. I know the abuser cannot because he is probably burning somewhere--I wonder does the Last Rites remove the sin of sexual abuse? I hope not.

My friends have said I have a calm and peaceful aura with happiness. A few asked me if this state is a calm before a storm. I truly believe not because I truly believe my life is for me to live and not to live in the shadows of the past. It is my time to live life to the fullest.

I have so many people to thank, and everyone here is on that list, for getting me to this state after decades of struggle. Thank you.

Kevin
 
Kevin -

thanks for the update. It sounds like you have accomplished a lot since you last checked in. I am happy for you that you have reached a place of more settled and peaceful enjoyment of life. I cannot speak to your question about eternal accountability but rejoice that he is no longer breathing the air of this planet. Good to hear from you again, my friend.

Lee
 
As for the friends who ask about your calm and peaceful aura of happiness, you could explain that no, this is who I was, who I am, and I am back. My prayer is you forever feel this calm and peace.
Congratulations Kevin.
Rick
 
Glad to hear that you are doing well, Kevin!
 
You've worked hard Kevin. That you're experiencing a sense of release given the death of this perpetrator makes good sense. Whether that puts the matter to rest only time will tell. I do recall the warm afternoon walking to my car after re-experiencing in my therapist's office being raped when I was 7 years old. It seemed every cell in my body relaxed. I could breathe, experience the sun on my arm. Alas, that was near the beginning of my journey rather than near the end. The relief was wonderful but old friends came to visit.

I've read enough of your posts over the 18 months I've been here to know how hard you've worked and the gains you've made with the support of your friend. You give all of us a gift by telling us where you are, since each of us is reaching for this kind of relief. Of course, there is always what the Buddhists call the Bodhisattva Vow. Those enlightened beings made the decision to return to this earth so they might support others still suffering. I trust you will continue to share your insights with us and that should life squeeze you some way, you'll share that as well. Brothers can celebrate even when they commiserate. All the best to you Kevin. I'm so happy that you've been liberated by this man's departure... knowing full well that the liberation was hard won.
 
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Welcome back. You have been missed.
 
Thank you. The support and love I have received here have helped beyond the abuse and those who stifled my healing need to understand their complicity in the abuse.. Why because I learned to love myself and realize the abuse is part of my life but not the controlling part of my life. I also learned those who did not accept our abuse are suffering from the abuse they lived or witnessed. I pray for them. I am free for their words, spit, locking in room, those that laughed or accepted these actions or the abuser who raped, inflicted oral actions I suffered is not who I am. Thank you for all you have given me at MS because we understand what we live, our struggles and the need to heal. Thank you Thank you. I will be every grateful for what you gave me.

Kevin
 
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Hay Kevin.

It's really awesome to hear the place you're in now, since I remember witnessing vicariously at least, all the struggles you shared on this site.

The peace you've found now is a credit to you I think, and all the work you've done, thanks for returning to share that with everyone here as well, particularly at a time when the world generrally seems so grim.

Luke.
 
Thank you to everyone for the supportive words. Today on a webinar I heard something that hit me. It is up to you to write your story. I let many write my story, a story I would not have written. From today I am writing my own story of who I am and strive to be and to achieve. I let the past and those around me write my story and I did not live who I was an meant to be. Now I will write that story.

Kevin
 
Hi Kevin,

Your post resonates with me in some ways. My abuser died about a year ago, and what followed was an intense meltdown that I'm only just now recovering from. I can say that processing his death is something that no book could have ever prepared me to do, and I'm still finding my way through it. I don't have much to say other than I also sometimes wonder if there's an afterlife, and what that might mean for my abuser.

~MM
 
So good to see you've returned here. It's like a friend from a long while ago stopping in for coffee and a long visit. So unexpected but oh so welcome at the same time. Your writing about your journey has been an inspiration to many of us. We can aspire to move forward as you have done. We're glad you've returned.
 
Kevin, I'm happy to see you're well and pleased to hear from you. I've been distant from here as well, but I'm still in for the work.
Enjoy your calm, you're so deserving of it my friend.
 
Yes, there is a new story to be written... one day at a time. Old friends surely come to visit, but we have no need to invite them in for a party. MS will always be a great place to share the unfolding journey... Glad you're part of the conversation Kevin. I'm grateful for all the men who spend time here speaking the truth of their lives. It encourages me to be honest with myself. Thanks everyone.
 
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