This train of thought stems from what Fenics said about most survivors going to therapy for something besides abuse.
One of the things that really led to my revelation that I was probably abused (I have no concrete memories yet), was that I went to therapy over grief issues when my cousin committed suicide a few years ago. That event really shook my faith in how "perfect" I viewed my dad's side of the family. My mom's side is the one with the history of molest reaching back at least 3 generations.
So when my cousin, on my Dad's side did such a thing, it was completely unexpected. Since I wasn't particularly close to my cousin, I couldn't figure out why it shook me up so bad. It was like Daniel was a symbol for something else.
So anyway, one particular day in therapy, my therapist asked about my parents' disciplinary measures, and I casually mentioned that my parents, on occasion, use a paddle for spankings. They occured infrequently, and the paddle itself was pretty weak (the rubber ball on elastic string, connected to a very thin piece of wood). Since the elastic always broke within 10 min of playing with it, we had these paddles with no ball attached laying around. That was what my dad used, on these rare occasions a spanking was required. My brother and I would hide the paddles though.
My therapist asked me about it, and how I felt about my parents, and I was getting really defensive. Eventually, we weren't getting anywhere, so she moved on to a different topic. On the drive home after, though, I had a hard time driving. I was seriously shook up about that talk. What was I hiding? Why was it so hard to talk about?
A couple of years later, we had just gotten a group of siblings with severe sexual abuse. I began to get agitated over little things, and I felt like my ability to handle life was going down the tubes. When I finally sat down with trusted friends to open up what I was feeling (the marijuana helped, I'm sure) I started to voice what I had been afraid to say for a very long time, "I think that I was abused as a child."
For the next 2 hours, I explained every thing that I could think of, pored over every memory I had that all seemed to connect to this single revelation. It was like the answer had been staring me in the face all my life, but I hadn't been ready to confront it.
Anyway, this time I made an appointment with a therapist, specifically to deal with issues of abuse. And I don't think it's been working out particularly well. My Kaiser therapist from before was no longer there. My new therapist hasn't been delving very deeply into my memories, or lack thereof, regarding these events that seem very real, despite no clear reasons. So now I'm looking to see if I can afford to go outside of Kaiser.
Wow. I wrote a hell of a lot more than I thought I would. I guess I'm getting my groove back. It used to be that I would write a book every time I sat down. It was tremendously helpful to me during those initial weeks and months after my revelation. Now I just don't seem to ever have the time to be in here.
Being in here provided a lot for feeling like I'm not alone. It also has helped me to recognize things that others do, that I do as well. However, being here hasn't helped me to uncover any more about my past. So that is why I want to go to that new therapist. I just hope that I can afford to do it.
Good luck you guys, no matter how you approach it.
We're in this together.
Jeremy
