I have a problem with my looks

I have a problem with my looks
M

Morning Star

Registrant
When I look at my childhood pictures, I look fine, but as I proceed further, I start looking ugly. Even till off late, I didnt like my pictures.

I think I started looking ugly right after my abuse. Just because I was doing something ugly, I started believing I was ugly. This feeling hasnt still quiet left me and keeps resurfacing and I start priming up myself, obsessively. Looking at the mirror to check whether I look attractive enough, or am I still ugly.

I also cant go out wearing any thing mismatched. Is it a coping mechanism to fight my sense of inner ugliness.Can any one relate to this?
 
Abhi,

I cannot count the number of times that I looked into mirrors, from the time it happened to mid thirties or later.

I tend not to now, but I sure can relate to the feeling of feeling ugly and worthless, if a girl said I was handsome, I would just think she was lying to me.

The clothes thing sounds like OCD, in fact they both relate to OCD. They are coping mechanisms that we dont really need, as they only served us through earlier life, and should feel better as adults.

hope it helps,

ste
 
Abhi,

I can remember never being able to face a mirror in the days when the abuse was occurring, and afterwards I too felt I was unattractive. What I recall specifically is feeling not only that I was ugly, but also that I was "obvious": I was somehow wearing a "sign" announcing what had happened to me. That took years to overcome, and in a way I guess it is still with me.

Damn. Something else to go on the list.

Much love,
Larry
 
Morning Star,

I can relate somewhat to your feelings, but I handle them the exact opposite. I look in the mirror to shave and perform various grooming activities like putting in contacts, etc., but I never really look at myself. I cannot count the times I have arrived at work to have one of my coworkers say, "Hey buddy, you have dried toothpaste on the corner of your mouth," or I look in the mirror while I'm washing my hands and see that I have worn a cap for half the day.

I am trying to train myself to actually look at myself before I leave the house now. Clothing is another matter. I always have to match, be in style, and I can rival Emelda Marcos as far as shoes go. Sort of seems a waste to dress up, though when you are wearing an old baseball cap and have dried toothpaste on you lips.

I'm not sure if this is a result of abuse or not. I know I've been "scatter brained" ever since, so maybe it is. This stuff affects us all in different ways, but hey, we survived.

Take care,
 
Morning Star,
I can relate to what you are saying. SA, or for that matter any form of abuse, can cause a distorted view of how we perceive our physical selves. Peace, Andrew
 
Morning Star,

I think I understand some of what you've experienced. I am always looking in the mirror. Looking for something -- does it show? can others see it? maybe if I'm ultra vigilant, then no one will notice. or if I pay very close attention, then maybe it won't happen again.

With regard to photographs, I look at ones taken of me during that period and I feel like I don't connect in any way to the boy in the picture. I recall feeling that way even back then. As if that face, that body belongs to someone else. It couldn't be me. But it was.

Be strong.
Russ
 
yeah, i totally feel the same way. i have felt ugly ever since it all happend. right after all the bad stuff ended i started dressing in baggy long sleeves and pants and never washing my hair. i felt i was ugly and figured that there was nothing i could do to help that. i decided to use the fact that i thought i was ugly to my advantage by making myself look worse to keep people away from me.

anyway, i still hate the way i look...i feel the exact same way you do. it sucks.
 
"I WAS OBVIOUS
Those words ring so true, I always feared that, my parents would catch me, and end my little love fest! Or someone else would come to know and join in.

I subconscious wanted to hide under my skin, and gradually gained weight, and kept on wondering, Why cant I loose weight? I forgot weight was not about eating; it was what kept me safe. Now that I am feeling safe again, I am gradually loosing weight on my own. I am no longer carrying all that burden.

O how much I feared stepping out of home knowing that I would be watched, they would spot me, and that I am obvious. I still have that fear and unless I feel completely safe, I dont mix with people or maintain a non committal stance. It is still hard to make emotional bonding, when I relate to other just as a human being.
 
"I look in the mirror .....but I never really look at myself."

Rich, I too look into the mirror to seemingly 'admire' myself and my clothes or my facial skin, but actually I am looking out for flaws, as you said, I seldom LOOK at myself, into my eyes. Because lets face it, I hate the one behind those eyes. And when u hate someone you cant see any good thing about them. I find it real hard to find any good quality in me, wait for others to do that for me.

Actually, I am also in such a hurry all the time, always in a rush as if I am getting late or if I dont hurry up I will ge scolded or something,even while brushing my teeth I am never relaxed, I want to complete a task before something goes wrong, and ya even while watching a movie I think,things are going too I think things will go wrong soon!.

Even while sitting here, or watching TV, I sense my body getting tense, my muscles training to be in vigilant state just like my mind does, Sometimes I just have literally remind myself to RELAX! ...I keep fearing that when I step out on the drive, boy that drives me nuts, what if I have flat tyre or get stuck in atraffic jam or something and cant make it on time, knowing well that it wont make a difference, but still not knowing and rushing myself thru it allm thru life. Hope I find time to live.

Though the other day I tried something new I looked into my eyes for a stretch, just looked straight into my eyes, no thoughts, and gradually as I began to peer into my soul, I felt some connection and felt a relaxing feeling spreading thru, that is connection I have been looking for all along.

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes, and feel myself from within, feel my heart, see what it is to be me!
 
It is like I keep correcting my spelling mistakes obsessively,knowing that I wont be judged or laughed at or feel like a fool making silly mistake, I could never concentrate at school and made a million mistakes in exams and lost numbers.

And this seeming streak of 'perfectionism' comes from the fact that deep inside I feel imperfect and believe I cant do anything about it.

I am that pure light. But it is the memory of those imperfect moments of my life that make me feel so imperfetc, so ugly, I felt totally imperfect when my father laughed at me or told me so or when things happened that were not happen so perfect. But just because imperfect things happened to me, that does n't make me imperfect!? As those were things that happened to me, and not me, I am not defined by my experiences, am I?

Today when I heal those moments, I know they were perfect to make me the man I am today, so it was all worthwhile. hey ! I am not imperfect any more! And now I remember someone telling me that, God made me in his image, hmmm...it never struck me as true. ;)
........................

BEAUTIFUL IN MY EYES (Joshua Kadison)

Youre my piece of mind, in this crazy world
Youre every thing I've tried to find
Your love is a pearl
Youre my Mona Lisa
Youre my rainbow skies
And my only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
The world will turn
And the seasons will change
And all the lessons we will learn
Will be beautiful and strange
We'll have our fell of tears
Our share of sight
My only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes
And there are lines upon my face
From a life time of smiles
When the time comes to embrace
For one long last wine
We can laugh about how time really flies
We wont say goodbye
Cause true love never dies
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes
The passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes...


"You will always be, Beautiful In My Eyes"
 
Abhi,

"Rich, I too look into the mirror to seemingly 'admire' myself and my clothes or my facial skin, but actually I am looking out for flaws, as you said, I seldom LOOK at myself, into my eyes. Because lets face it, I hate the one behind those eyes".

This is what you need to put behind you, it is survival instincts going back to when it happened.

You shied away from attraction, and could not look people in the eye, for fear of them knowing.

I am always in a hurry, just like when I was a kid, never relaxing, hard to keep to tasks, never truly focussing on my real world etc.

Those qualities you just wrote are a reminder of who you really are, a great guy.

This is the road to finding yourself, you will still find yourself falling back, but the more you can stay on track for the future, the past can be easier to live with.

I hope this helps, you are a fine thinker,

ste

BTW, I can type pretty fast, but some days I give up on typos and grammar.
 
"You shied away from attraction, and could not look people in the eye, for fear of them knowing"

That makes lots of sense, I feared my attraction, as I thought it might get me hurt. Interestingly as I explored my 'attractions' later in life I realised that they were just a part of me looking for love, and when I start loving myself completely, they started disappearing too. So all I had to do was to focus on myself.
:)
 
I just got fat. It worked. Now, every time I go on a diet and lose the weight, something inside of me panics and needs to be fat again. What's up with that? I don't talk about it with people because it sounds so weird, but I can almost feel myself needing to get back to that weight sometimes...it's a sort of obsessive/fear feeling. That one was tough to write about. Bobby
 
This thread is so much of me. I was sick yesterday and had this dream about feeling like I was "one of the guys". It was such a happy dream that when I finally went back to bed I tried to get it to continue. Morning Star, you've got the answer right there. If we can allow ourselves to feel love, we won't need to keep filling some role that doesn't exist anymore.

Last therapy session I was talking about how with my wife I can be myself, I don't have to wear a mask or be somebody I'm not, and he kind of repeated back to me what I was saying. And I said, "Yeah, that's what I want." He looked at me and said, "That's what you have." I couldn't believe what I'd just said. It's like I can't accept the fact that I am loved, that I am free from the control of the world's perps, so I keep searching, searching, dressing the part, working the abs. What am I looking for? Even if I thought I'd found it, would the search end? I think I'd keep looking, never finding.

We are loved. We've just been kicked in the head so much that we can't feel that we're loved. I can be loved. So can all of us.

Morning Star, sometimes I think you and I are clones. I feel what you're saying. It was the abuse and our trying to maintain control over something that was completely out of our control. "If I'd only looked better..."
 
Maybe looking perfect is a way to hide your true self. A wise individual told me you're only as attractive as you think you are. The real you is attractive enough. I know its hard to realize that but I can relate to that and I have worked on that issue before. The real you inside and out is beautiful. You need not hide the truth for hiding the truth is allowing the abuse to remain dormant within you. I think after breaking the silence more, you will realize that people still love you and accept you for who "you" are and not the "clone" that Forever Fighting has mentioned. Taking a chance and telling close friends of your pain is hard but you'll find that the good ones will love you regardless and the ones that don't aren't worth a rat's ass anyway and you deserve better friends than that. I call that taking out the trash. The real you is wonderful from my standpoint but it all starts with you and how you feel about yourself. Maybe someone in your past wanted you to feel ugly and taught you that so you would feel worthless and shameful. I think we all know what the motive behind that is. Sounds to me like that complex is a remnant of a lie. I don't buy it. Do you?
 
I always felt ugly until recently. Now, inspite of the perps, I can look in the mirror, laugh, and say that's the best damn lookin son of a bitch I've ever seen! F... them and anyone else who thinks otherwise! What a feeling of freedom.
I know these issues hurt and take a long time to heal at times but recovery works. It can be done!
Don't give up!
 
There is people who will tell to me that I am not ugly, nice looking enough man. But I do not see it, just see ugly. I do not like the mirror, I do not like pictures taken, I do not like even that people look at me. Maybe some time it will be easier, like everything else with healing.

VN
 
like bobby, i'm fat. and i consider myself ugly.
and i too have a sabateur inside that quickly undoes anything i do to get thin and healty. and i too have some of my nicest human contacts in my dreams.
i think about dating, but to paraphrase woody allen. i wouldn't date anyone who would have me for a boy friend. also, girls in my same age/attractiveness group don't seem attractive to me.
this thread started with re-visiting the site of your abuse. mine was in my own bed. i had to sleep in it every night. i never told. i merely cried myself to sleep and sucked my thumb so much that my mother put a cage on it to stop me. (my only solace) and when i sucked my fingers, she put foul tasting chemicals on them.
wow, no wonder i'm so fucked up.
glad you can clear some of your demons by re-visiting. best wishes. bob
 
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