I hate this fucking world

[Broken]

It was just a waiting list, they dont have anything like that. What did i do wrong? What is it that makes my choices not matter? It doesnt matter what kind of world i want to live in or the things i do. Nothing ever works. Nothing i do matters. I tell myself i want to do something, then my mind just says no i dont think so, and i cant. I cant do anything to make it stop, I cant even sleep or eat right. I fuck up everything i do and cant even find the energy to try anymore. Whats the point of even trying anymore? I dont feel better for trying, i just feel worse. If you can only lose, whats the point of playing the game? Nothing brings me joy, i dont know how to get out of this. Nothing is ever going to be right again, nothing ever was. O cant kill myself and i cant live im am living death. Sometimes i feel like i should just hole up in my room and prepare for the long wait, because this isnt life. I cant even bursh my teeth without feeling like i m going to collapse from the strain of trying. So what now i just wait until i get thrown into an asylum, and they never let me out? Or do i just sit around until i can convince myself to get hurt again. When are things going to go right? I cant see any buegty in the world right now. It seems like an ugly unfair place but i know i have to get back up again and i dont want to anymore. The stupid force in my head that keeps pusing wont let me give up, but i cant win either.

Somebody tell me this isnt hell.

 

[Harry]

The temptation to completely let go and get put in an asylum gets to me too. I've gotten to the point where I'm so scared of failing I've almost stopped trying. I don't try hard anyways. If I don't try hard at anything, then when I fail, it won't crush my spirit as much. Is this hell? It could be worse -- it's hard to think that, but if your not in any physical pain right now then it could be worse. It can always be worse. That's why I don't think this is Hell. Fighting the temptation to see how bad I can make it for myself is a bitch though.

If we believe we're in Hell, I think we start turning into demons. Don't give up. If I knew I was predestined for failure, I'd cash in my last chip; but I don't know that.
Do whatever you can to find the beauty you can't seem to find right now. That's the most important thing. There's beauty out there, and the more you see, the more you have to fight for.

Listen to me trying to be inspiring when I can't see the dimmest light at the end of my tunnel. Treat yourself well. Treat yourself unbelievably great until you find some of that beauty you lost.

And if you do end up doin the asylum thing, lemme know which one -- I might join you there.

John

 

[Ross]

Hi Broken:

I sure feel your hurt. Hard place to be in a hard world. I have visited the same place a few time,(too many I would hve to say),I have no thoughts that could take it away but I will share what I used to do. I would convince myself to take a short break from feeling bad. I used to go to a park or coffee place or the library. I just took a four hour break or so and I worked on just laying back and not thinking on any of the reality stuff. Kind of like I turned the channel off for a while. Helped me a couple of times when I got close to the bottom.

Hopeyou can weather the storm friend:

Ross

 

[Broken]

I think i overeacted a bit. I am just tired. I know things will get better eventually, that if i keep trying i will see results, but right now i feel like a slave to my emotions.

I know i suffered some sort of severe sexual abuse by my mother. I sometimes catch myself saying things like, she raped me, and not thinking about it. I dont know what to feel right now. Half the time i feel like i want to put a bullet in my skull, the other half i want to put one in hers.

I have very little power to affect myself or my environment right now. My therpist doesnt seem very experianced, i guess you get what you pay for. Right now, im just angry and bitter. I dont know what to do, i feel like there should be something i could do that would make me feel better, but i cant seem to do much of anything.

I think it is my sleeping. I get too wound up at night, i will do anything to avoid going to bed. I know it is because of something that happened, but i am just scared. I guess that is why i am going through all this, because i havnt been sleeping right. Maybe, maybe other things too, but damn it, sleep is so HARD. I feel so tense at night that even with the pills i take i sometimes have achy muscles and headaches from tension. I have got to try and focus on this, maybe it will help me. I am trying to tell myself i am safe. Maybe i have to get my mom to stop calling and writing. My options feel so limited. I HATE thinking positive, it is so much more difficult. I feel so FRUSTRATED, and scared, and angry, it is so much PAIN. I will get through, but right now i dont feel like it will end. I have to sleep, I will try to remember i dont deserve this, that i should try to rellax and enjoy things. I will try, and thats all i can do.

 

[bosishere]

hello Broken, and others who have posted on this topic. I too hate this world right now. I now I have to sleep, but I hate going to sleed, so I take pills to make me sleep. I really hate going anywhere to a bathroom to "p", but then I think this is all hell on earth. I want to say fuck it but then I go to sleep or in the daytime go for a ride in my wheelchair, and think better days will come. I sure as hell hope the "better days" don't take to long to come around!! So, like you, I over react, but then that is normal. As others have told me, hang in there. Bosishere

 

[embersglow]

Is this hell?

I've thought that many times. I look at my life, and it is hell when I see it as it has been and is, IF I compare it to others, or to what might have been.

I found one door out of this old belief was my rage. I focus the rage on the abuser, because if they hadn't done what they did, I would be different. My life would be different. My attitudes and beliefs would be different. However, I would be the same person inside. A part of me remained unaffected. I am a good person who had really awful things happen, and I found creative ways to get to here.

Then I cry really hard. And accept that this is the life I have. No one wants this cancer, and it sucks to have been used. So I look at pictures of me as a boy, and realize he coped with intolerable shit going on by internalizing and believing lies. Believing he was in hell, and bad things were always going to happen, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Feeling stuck, feeling the pain, I remember that this is the view of a boy being abused. There are lots of us, and lots of help is out there in the world now. Finding supportive and safe people is not as tough as it was when I was a boy.

I am struggling to love myself, but it is happening slowly. It hurts, it hurt then, and it is really tough to love the man I am today. So I try to do one loving thing for me. Like coming to this place and reading about what the rest of you are going through, and reaching out with my story too.

I try to think of what a kid who was abused would need to feel better. He would need people around who understand, and he would need to be held and to cry and rage and scream. And then he would need ice cream cones and hope and laughter and friends. He would need to play, and be safe. And I would have to understand that to him it seems the abuse continues. He would need to be reassured time and again.

My deep feelings are coming out, and the beliefs are in words instead of just feelings. It is better for me now than at any time in my life. I have lived in crisis management central, and America can do that. We have the extra burden of the concern of others looking at us as if we are crazy. being judged as an underacheiver was my burden. Right. I got raped about three hundred or more times by several adult family members. And I am still here fighting to get free.

I would call that a fucking miracle, and the hell with what the rest of the world thinks. I got a kid inside that needs things, and I am going to do whatever it takes to see he gets those things. Nobody else is going to do it for me.

Damn this pisses me off to see us suffering and living with messages that others gave us and looking at this world as hell. We were innocent and we got fucked over. Moving from the victimhood of what then to what now is so difficult, and is not fair at all.

Worth it, but not fair. I look at a lot of it differently today, because I know that all of us used creative imagination and intelligence to get here today. We all survived our hell, and we all deserve to get a slice or two of happiness and freedom.

Compassion for myself, from myself. The battleground of thinking I am bad, and wanting to be good and free. There ought to be a miracle elevator to the top of the building. We deserve it.

Anyway, I am learning to measure progress in smaller steps, and to see changes in my thinking and feeling. Slowing down and being in the moment. Not all of my memories are awful, and I am through much of the damage. I never thought that healing would truly happen for me, and it is, in an excruciatingly slow fashion. I hate that!

Hope this ramble helps...

Ken

 

[batt]

hello Broken,

yes I hate this fucking life too. Life sucks then you die. At least thats how I feel most times. Sometimes ya just feel like ending all the pain and loneliness. I won't, but I often wonder is it because I am a survivor who has survived this shit this long or is it just because I am to much of a coward. Have I been a coward for 33 years by not facing this shit or a surviver whose only way to survive was not to remember. Who the fuck knows and seems no one around where I am gives a shit. But anyway hang in there buddy, if nothing else I care. Fight the good fight and keep the faith.

Wayne

 

[Starman]

Wow! I just came across this and had to reply. Yeah. I know all about hating this f---ing world. On a cold and dark December day 12 years ago I took my big Suzuki 1100GSE out, got up to 100mph over the speed limit heading into a 90 degree turn intending to get it all over with REAL quick. At the last possible second, I chickened out, slammed on the big hydraulic discs so hard it blew out the front fork seals and made the turn just hanging on the far edge of the pavement with the headers scraping the pavement and throwing up sparks. Then I rode home crying my eyes out and checked myself into the hospital.
With no way of foreseeing it, the next 8 years were the absolute happiest time of my life. I'm glad I didn't miss 'em. Good things come unexpected. Give it a chance to happen to you.
Hang around, OK?

 

[Broken]

this is an old post from a fragile time, but thank you. I dont think i really mean things like that, it is just sometimes i feel like an ant in a tornado. I was, and still am feeling thrashed. I am angry that i dont have enough energy or strength to get up and clean my room, it is just difficult to believe in myself, even though i have every reason to think that i am capable, at least, if not willing. Im caught in some sort of trap in my head, and i am not sure how to get out of it. But slowly, things are changing. Patience is a tool more powerfull than a thousand armies, but it is one of the hardest skills a human being can master.

 

[Wuamei]

Broken:

Tho its old, I hadda reply to your original July 13 post that started this topic. If for no other reason than that I feel like I could have written the whole thing virtually word for word about me!
Those are the kinds of things I think feel & even believe fairly often: I can't do anything right nothing ever goes right for me I screw everything up what's the use of even trying I always fail...

And I can't stand this pain anymore. Right now it hurts my hand so bad to shave I'm ready to try shaving lefthanded so I could switch back & forth--but I believe this would cause considerable pain to my face! This brings me to a question? Do you suffer from a chronic pain disorder of any kind? I have fibromyalgia (FM).

Anyway, I empathize with your feelings & your pain. Thanks for your brutal honesty in sharing them. I sometimes think its good to get that stuff out. This seems a good place to do it.

Peace

Wuame