I hate the loneliness

[Michael1965]

I HATE THE LONELINESS!!!!!

I know that this is a topic that I cry about all of the time, but it never changes for me. I have a couple of people that I can reach out to but I am such a burden to them. My issues never change so it is the same thing over and over. I bother them so much and I know that they tire of it despite the fact that they never say it. My T is always pushing me to expand and locate others who may be accepting and understanding of who I am and what I have been through. I am isolated in a very small community and my work keeps me isolated as well. The community I live is very Puritan in its views and make no secrets of their feelings toward others who are not just like them. It is hell living in the Bible belt. In my career I am old enough to be the father of most of my co-workers including my superiors and I am only 50 years old.

I drive almost an hour to see my T every week. He is located in a large city for the state I live in and they offer no support groups for men on any level.

I would love to have a friend to go and get a cup of coffee with, or go out to dinner or to a movie with but I have no opportunities to meet other people. The only social groups in my area all based around the church. The church taught me to hate myself and has turned its back on me in times of need, so I have no desire to be involved with it.

The loneliness is slowly killing me. I appreciate the long distance support I get on here but I need someone to turn to who is with me physically and not on the other side of the computer screen. I am married but my wife and I have a very strained marriage and she just cant be there for me in the way I need. We are virtually two strangers living together after almost 28 years of marriage. I am literally a prisoner of loneliness. I hate having to resign my life to this loneliness, to this black hole in my heart. It is probably the greatest single reason for my deep depression. I battle to keep from completely withdrawing from the world or taking my own life. That thought crosses my mind daily. My emotionally abusive father and my perp sentenced me to hell......to being alone always.

Thanks for letting me vent. I guess it helps on some level.

 

[woodenshoes]

Micheal

Vent all you need. We are hear listening. I wish i was close enough for coffee so you would have that person. I agree with you it is great to have that when your feeling vulnerable. I am lucky i have that. Take care. Pm me anytime.

Ws

 

[Nothing Man]

Hi (((Mike)))

I am so sorry you are feeling isolated. You are in a difficult position and only you can decide what you need to do to improve your lot. Just know that I support you and care. PM me when you need to and let's meet in the chatroom soon.

Mike

 

[KMCINVA]

Mike

Isolation and loneliness is difficult. I lived in a house and felt loneliness for almost 18 years. Why, he was a part of me and I could not share. I perceived him in others, I saw their words, actions and ignoring of cries for help as being him. He came alive in them and I had fear and felt controlled by him. It put the wall up, a difficult barrier to break through. It caused all kinds of problems, syncope, dissociation, PTSD, depression--which caused which is hard to tell except they are rooted in the trauma of the abuse. Even today when someone denies the abuse or asks me to deny and lie about it, my body clenches and I retreat.

I have support and when I breakdown they pick me up. I had an episode this weekend and people were there. I know I have the support but I fear what happened in the past and their constant reminder to push me down. The defense keeps people away.

I understand your feelings and I am trying to remember there are supportive people out there, who care about me and not to let those I love continue to control me with their words and actions and more importantly their denials. I want to fully engage in life, I have not been able to, it impacts work, my sense of self, my happiness.

Loneliness can be felt in a crowded room, at a dinner table, in an office, in a house with others. Being alone in a crowd is not different then be alone with yourself. It isolates and separates us from human contact, human emotions and support. The key is relying on those you can rely on and avoiding those who do not have your best interest at heart.

The physical aspect is important. I have a special friend and I know when she was here my life seemed whole, the touch, the smile, the support brought me alive. When she is back it brings me alive once again and then she leaves and I feel lonely. I too need a more permanent situation. I value her and all she has done for me. I value her dreams and goals and would never want to distract her from these. We talk and I feel alive, she keeps an eye on me and can tell when I am low. I miss holding each other and everything comes with the physical aspects. She reminds me that my detractors create my loneliness and rob me of healing to protect the secret of what was done to bring the abuser alive and she said do they never stop, expecting me to deny my own abuse--that is what led me to where I am today.

So loneliness is debilitating and it builds on itself. You are a kind and wonderful person. Find people who can look beyond the CSA, those that have hearts and can open up to you and you to them. I have them but my pig headiness holds me back from calling on them. Do not be like me, be willing to accept their help and support. You will not feel lonely then.

Kevin