I hate my mom

[loberhead]

*Triggers

My mom did inappropriate things around me (have sex with strange men, watch porn in my bedroom, etc.) but no one has ever blatantly said, "Chris, that's sexual abuse."

I hate my mom. I hate her a lot. And I have so much anger inside of me because of her. But anger is just a mask for fear. I am afraid of my mom and I always have been. Even from my earliest memories of her (2-3 years) she was scary in a way.

My biological father would get so mad at her and they both would argue endlessly for hours. My father was a very successful bankruptcy lawyer and my mother worked for him as a kind of secretary. It's not what she wanted to do, but it is what he "made" her do. He was always trying to "put her in her place" as he was taught to do. And my mom went along with it (or some of her personalities went along with it) because she was familiar with abuse and submission.

My father would pretend to hit her but instead he would hit the chair or object close by and throw it around a lot. My mom was terrified of him, but not of arguing with him. That's something I never understood.

My sister was barely home enough to know about all of the fights because she was being raised by her friends' parents.

I was only 3 years old and I knew that I couldn't make a sound when they argued. I was so terrified that they would hit me and argue at me or over me. Any time I made attention to myself they would argue over me. So I just sat on the couch as quiet as I could and I wasn't allowed to move until the argument was over.

My mom never held me. As a baby she did because it fit with one of her personalities. She had this little girl personality who loved to play with dolls and fed them and dress them and "play mom". But when I cried at night she never came. And when I needed attention during the day she was never there. I went through dozens of babysitters and daycare centers. My parents worked at the law firm for long hours and they would come home and fight with each other. So, they were never there.

When I became older (after being sexually abused) I was very repulsed by my mother. Even during the sexual abuse (at age 6) I would lay in my bed thinking about how I could go to the kitchen and get a knife and use it on my mother. WHAT SIX YEAR OLD CHILD THINKS LIKE THAT?!

But I was very repulsed when she would try to show affection to me. She loved to push my hair back (why!?!) and this really fucking annoyed me! In my head I scream and yell at her: STOP TOUCHING MY FUCKING HAIR YOU BITCH!! And I would always push her away. I didn't want to be touched by her. This would offend her, of course.

But then other times I would try to be close to her and she would totally blow up at me. She would go off and say things like: "I'M SO SICK OF YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU ARE A LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!" And she would push me back into a corner and I couldn't go anywhere. I just wanted to her to love me. "GET OVER IT!," she would say.

But it wasn't like this when we watched porn together. It was our bonding. That's how she loved me. She would come into my room and watch porn with me at night. Maybe I relate sex to being close with my mother.

 

[EGL]

Hey, friend. Man, it shouldn't have been like that for you, none of it. You certainly didn't deserve to be ignored and abused like this. I hope you can clearly see that, I really do. The little guy you were and the man you have become deserved so, so much better than this.

 

[Trucker51]

Chris:

If your mom viewed porn on the TV or even in magazines in your bedroom, with you when you were underage, that is considered abusive.

If your dad used to become physically violent towards furniture and throw things around during arguments, that is considered abusive.

If your parents worked long hours and there was never any time for any caring intimacy for their son, that is considered neglectful.

If your parents constantly argued in your presence when you were quite young, that is considered emotionally abusive.

It sounds as if your mom was frightened by your dad, and went along with his demands to try to protect herself and his support for both you and her. Some adults seem to almost, but not quite, enjoy living in a tense environment. I have worked at places where there was a lot of yelling and friction, then after the workday and all of the yelling was finished, they would all go to the bar and get drunk together. This went on day after day after day. They seemed to enjoy it.

It almost sounds as if your mom viewing porn with you was some kind of release for her, or her misguided effort to teach you sex-ed at too early an age. If you look in Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS, he says that having or forcing a child to look at or watch porn is a less-severe form of CSA. So my guess is that Mic Hunter would find your mom's conduct abusive in this manner, and he is a high-end CSA therapist.

Hope that this helps you more than it hurts. You were a victim of a physically violent and emotionally abusive and neglectful upbringing too. I too have struggled with these types of issues for many years myself. I still overreact to my memories of my father's constant put-downs and my mother's infatuation with shaming. I can tell you that it wasn't your fault, and I can also tell you that there is hope for recovery from these types of abuse too. Check-out John Bradshaw's book THE FAMILY, as I think that you will find it helpful.

You are a good kid Chris. You are worthy of much better. Hope that someday you find what you are looking for.

Mark

 

[ericc]

Chris,

What you describe is not a good situation, and you didn't deserve to be put through all of that. I'm glad you have been able to recognize this at such a young age and are dealing with it. This sort of thing is what can lead many people to long struggles with destructive coping mechanisms that end up hurting a person really bad. I wish I could have dealt with and faced my problems earlier, but am just glad at least I am now. Keep up the good work.

Eric

 

[michael banks]

Chris,

For most of my life I have hated my mother or I thought I did.
But today looking back on things. I believe what I hate was her inability to be the mother that I needed or wanted. I hate her mental illness and all the bizarre behaviors that came with it.
I hate the feelings of loss and loniliness that came as a result of it all. I hate the pain that I felt as a 9 year old boy watching my father have to restrain her as she was trying to kill herself that one mourning so long ago. Living in terror of the one who gave me life. Never knowing the touch of her love. Because she was never given that love for her to share.
How can I hate her when she did only what she had been taught. Who is to be blamed when it has always been so. The one before killing next's one soul.
Where does this insanity end.
But with you and me.

Mike