I think i am recognising what has been sending me for a loop. My mom stopped calling, but she still writes, and sent me some clothes for my birthday. I threw them away. Im not that poor. Everytime i get something from her i freak out.
Oh yeah, my best friend bailed on me too. Fucking basterd. I once told Alan that i loved him like he was my own brother, and he said the same. Fuck him, i dont care what he is dealing with, we were supposed to be there for each other. We were always there for each other man, until i started recognizing what was wrong with our siituation. He got pissy at that point, when i started to want to do something. I guess he had gotten used to hell. Part of me doesnt quite blame him, but most of me does. We both had the herioc ideal that we strived to be, but he left me in the dirt when it came time for me to live up to it. I know what is like, being afriad that trying to make things better will only make things that much worse, but why did he have to drag me down everytime i had something i wanted to strive for in the here and now? Everytime either of us failed, he took it as our inherit worthlessness and our place in the world.
And after all the things we freed ourselves of, the tyranny of majority, the delusion of religious institution, all the prefabricated constructs we like to call reality. We were building a wall at the same time i guess. We had to keep everybody out and preserve our status as forsaken by man and god alike. It is ironic how pissed off we could get at a non existant entity. Now I dont really get mad at even the idea of god, i just get sad when i see what people do for it.
What people dont explain about the survivor mentality is that of course you are going to see the world as a horrible place where bad random things happen all the time. But they dont tell you that, in a sense, you are right. It is too hard for some people to acknowledge life as being so incredibly harsh that to save any vestige of humanity, you have to turn certain parts of you off. You hide your light way deep down inside you, so far you dont even know you had, and still have, it.
The hard part is realizing even after all you have seen, one day the light can be strong enough and life safe enough that you can dig it back out again. But by the time you make it out, you lose track of who you are, you forget what you have been fighting for. I sometimes feel like a lifeless husk, something that has just been going on autopilot for so long now i am just a robot.
I have therapy either tommorow or the next day, not sure which, then agian on thursday. I played hookie from school today, i just felt like i couldnt handle it, even though i know i could, and i knew i would just make myself miserable if i went. I just tried to get things together today, tried to feel good, or at least not as bad. Maybe i took this class too early.
When i start to feel this bad my view of the world shifts, everything looks scary and hostile, life becomes a nightmare instead of a dream. I feel like everybody is looking at me, i make up scenarios in my head where i imagine people are laughing at me, calling me a freak. That is one of the reasons i didnt go to school, i felt like if i showed i was weak that they would all jump on me like a pack of jackals, like when i was a kid. And it is not so unreal a presumption, i am just much better at pretending things are okay than i imagine. I always think people can see right through me, that they know exactely what i am thinking and feeling. I know i look really sad a lot of the time, sometimes i think my face hurts from frowning or trying to keep myself blank. I always feel like people know i dont have the will to defend myself from them, that i dont believe in myself and they know exactely how to hurt me or get what they want. That is why i think i keep everybody away, because with rare exception, people almost always dissapoin me with thier calousness and naive blunderings of ethics and morality.
I think you learn to do truly good things through empathy. If you just follow rules out of fear of punishment or because you feel it is in your best interest you are not being a good person. Being good means you just do what comes natural, you develope a connection with people as individuals and as a whole, and you see yourself as part of a greater whole. When one person is down, the other tries to cheer him up because in essence the other has become a small part of you, so you feel sad as well. It is not to say that you are the same person or you each dont have your own boundries or limits, but a friend or a lover or any sort of relationship that is worth having should be based on empathy, not dominance and submission. But that is always where my mind takes me, and since i refuse to dominate, and do not have the faith in myself to stand up for my rights, i always feel i have to end up on the bottom, and i guess that is why i cant learn to treat myself with love and respect. The dakness destroys itself, the light continually creates anew. But how do you tell yourself that when all your life all youve ever known is pain? How exactely do i go about bringing happiness into my life? There are so few things in life that give me joy, and it is hard to reachout to any of them. I have so many dreams but they all seem so impossibly out of reach. Everything i want needs drive, but if i always falter at the last minute, if i always tell myself im not worth it, i dont know how i can do any of it. I wish there was a way you could just start an open line with your subconscience, start reprogramming it manually. My mind is like this mass of jumbled wiring right now, it is so hard to get things straight. I know this or that isnt true, i know this or that is bad to and for me, but i guess i dont feel it. I wish there was a switch in my head that could just make me say, enough already, i get the message, im not a bad person, i didnt deserve it, i will respect my self and seek new relationships with people, just bring an end to this terrible war in my head. Compared to my head WW 2 looks like christmas. It is the strain of fighting the sublminal war on a conscious level that is so tiring. Having to hear myself go back over and over again. Its okay you dont have to do it perfect, its okay, you can be angry or frustrated, its okay, just relax. But the words lose thier power sometimes, and its like i have to yell them in my head just so i know that im thinking them. Sometimes i go back and say something twice cause i am sure i just thought it and will want to instintly ditch it. I guess at some point my mind just flips and says, enough already! just give up, your worthless and born on the bottom of the barrel! You will never be anything so just shutup and go to hell! Then i keep saying it, over and over, telling myself i am good and those things arent true, that no matter what i do this part of me will come back, and thats when it just hurts so bad i want to cry. Its like i want to go back and remember something sometimes, but i dont know how. It hurts more to be kind to myself than to cut myself off. And sometimes, when i just cant take that other voice, the one telling me im a good person, that is exactely what i feel like i have to do, because i just cant deal with it anymore.
I remember when i used to walk alone at night, i would find the most desolate places i could find, the places where i knew there wouldnt be anyone around and everybody would be scared to go alone. I would go "monster hunting". I would imagine if there really was a god, thinking that here is the place im revoking you. Here is the the place where i would say, sometimes aloud, "I dont need you. Fuck you god." He never showed. I would dare whatever things are lurking around at night to come get me, that i wasnt going to let them take me without standing up for myself. They never came either. I imagined going to hell, being in hell, rejecting heavon, fading into oblivion, I imagined serial killers and beasts which had no name, set after set of realities too horrible for people to sit through in a book, i dared them come to me, to face me. But i guess i never really could face the worse nightmare of all for me. The nighmare of being raped. Worse, the nightmare of raping myself, over and over, so many times i almost lost touch with everything i cared about. And damn it, im still doing it, its like i cant stop. its like i have no name for the nameless beast, like i am just going to be hounded by a pain and a fear and a sense of shame and never know why, or how to stop it. But something is giving, i feel like something is crumbling, like the walls are finnally coming down. If i could just figure out how to get i together, how to stop hurting myself with my fantasies and thoughts. I dont know, i guess ill get it, but it is so hard. I just wonder what the hell is wrong with me sometimes. Then i say "nothing, of course" "Then why cant you ever do anything right?" "You can and do get things right all the time, one little mistake isnt the end of the world..." and the war goes on and on. Right now I am thinking of a characture i saw of churchill on this cartoon called Animaniacs that was on a long time ago. "We shall defend our isle, whatever the cost may be..."
