I hate being single

I hate being single
FormerTexan

FormerTexan

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Staff member
Please listen to me tonight. I'd rather write it out than act out.

I don't know about anyone else, but I wish I could just have a normal life with a woman.

I was watching a tv show tonight, and saw husband-wife couple just adoring each other and holding hands. I know it's just tv, but that's one thing I DO see in real life. I see married couples enjoying each other and living life with their wonderful kids. I feel like I was robbed of this, like I'm missing something big and important, like I'm on the sidelines of life. Damn these issues!

Normally church is good. Tonight I felt like I wasn't hardly noticed by anyone. I doubt I was treated any different than normal. It could be just my perception, but I really felt like I didn't exist. Some nights it seems like all the married men and women are into their kids or grandkids, and I simply don't exist. I bet if I had a wife and kids, I'd exist.

I hate life tonight. It's nothing but sad and empty.
 
Former_Texan,

I know exactly how you feel. I have two roommates who both have girlfriends. Tonight (as I type this) like many nights, the sounds of the giggling and having sex comes through the walls. Usually, this makes me jealous and angry. I've been robbed of such easy access to love and companionship. There's just something about girls/women that I don't understand or constantly mess up -- and when I get close to getting it... on a date or just meeting a girl/woman, i get so nervous and anxious that I mess it up.

but then I met a girl my age (28) a few weeks ago. She's a friend of my roommate. She and I hit it off immediately, and soon she and I were spending the night with each other. The imtimacy was difficult. It hit certain spots where she wanted more than I could give. (I'd go into more detail, but there are kids around... as much as I love talking to charlie and demonboi, probably some of this they shouldn't hear... yet... sorry, kiddo)

but my point is, she and i worked it out, and with a little time, I was able to make her happy. i'm about to move out of town and so our relationship isn't going anywhere special, but what it proved to me is that while I always feel like you -- completely unable to socialize like the rest of the world -- i just go surprised by a wonderful woman who proved to me that i'm as much of a man as any other, and i can get any woman i'm interested in, within reason : )

I will feel more normal and centered when I'm married with kids too. But having kids is a product of the solution, not the solution itself.

Send me a private message if you want to talk about this more.

Jim.
 
Former Texan and cant_remember,

Jim here again. This is very very hard for me.

I love kids. I have nieces and nephews and I am very active in their lives, and feel like a second father, but when I get home it is very lonley and very quiet and just me.

I went to church this morning, but I felt disconnected also, in my head. People have connections through their kid there and it is just me. I have tried, but how do you trust?

It is really hard when I see others in the stores or malls, holding hands and kids running around as I walk by myself. Don't want to sound like a pity party but, this is what CSA did to me. I feel nothing when It comes to any type of relationship at all.

-Jim
 
Thanks for posting this Tex,

I'm 33 and still single - haven't had relations of any sort in over 9 years (and for the most part I am at peace with this fact cause I know now that it was caused by things that happened as I was growing up)

Family and friends are just completely mystified as to why I'm still single because to them I seem like I'd be the 'perfect husband'

Sometimes even yet I myself am still frustrated by my singleness - yet there is still happiness to be found in the single life and I still hold out hope for a day when I might find that one true love and maybe even have children of my own...

Kids have always been very important to me - especialy in todays society where kids are being forced to 'raise themselves' because the parents are too busy trying to make themselves rich to even care about their own children (a very sad statistic in the U.S. is that most parents spend fewer than 5 hours a week of quality time with their children) - I work in a youth group now - it brings much happiness into my life to be able to make a possitive influence in a youths life when most of the things surrounding them are so negative...

Happiness is always out there waiting for you - sometimes you just have to go looking for it...

Yes - being single in a world that revolves around married people is rough - I often feel invisible to many people my age cause I just simply can't relate to them cause to them everything revolves around their mairraige and I'm single, so I'm the odd one out - To be perfectly honest though, I have no feelings towards any woman that is in my life right now - I had such a misserable role model of a family growing up - I know that that has influenced me greatly as to why I have such a hard time finding a partner - but I refuse to give up hope! - somewhere's out there the right partner is waiting for me - I just need to keep reminding myself that nothing comes to one who isn't looking... Yeah - sure - I lack the skills that most people have when it comes to dateing (things I just simply did'nt learn because of my past) - but that does'nt mean that I can't learn now...

TJ jeff
 
Tex and all, none of us needed to be single. I used to get real close mentally with women and they either just cut and run for no apparent reason, or want me to be with them 24/7, but its real hard to get close like we see all around us.
I love kids, and I love to see families having a good time, but I too get really angry of being robbed of my right to be a father.
The biggest anger, is when a woman says to me, oh! I thought you were married!!! :mad:
I feel like screaming to them the reason why.
Dont go out feeling disconnected though, because you are all a valuable part of society, more than you can ever notice. ;)

ste
 
I know what you mean TJ. And actually there are days when I'm glad to be single. It means I can do whatever I want with my money or whatever. But last night was just not one of those days. I want so much to get that turned-on feeling the way it's supposed to be, with a female. Not from the garbage I've burned into my thinking over the years resulting from abuse. I just don't get those feelings with women, at least not yet. I do get a glimpse on occasion. I too had a lousy example of a marriage learned from my parents. My mom especially has done her gender some serious injustice in my mind.

I do get a chance to 'play dad' now and then. I have a friend who has two children, and her son wishes I was his dad. I wish he could be my son, but of course we know how reality works. But I do get to spend time with him. It helps. He's 14 now, I've known him since he was 2.

I just want to be like everyone else and have a family I can call mine. I haven't given up hope either. Last night just didn't feel real hopeful.

Thanks for the response all.
 
ste,

I hear that. In fact, I got so tired of people asking me why I'm not married, I started throwing one-liners out there as my anwers.

"Why aren't you married yet?"

-"My fiancee' isn't on parole til next year."

-"Because I just love hearing that question!"

-"What? And waste all that money I've invested in personal ads?"

There are more, but you get the idea. Most people don't bother me with that question anymore, but I gotta be ready for when it comes up again, or I'll lose it.
 
Yeah, I love those one liners, but I just go green when they ask that question, I will have to make up some one liners myself,

thanks,

ste
 
there are times when i wish i weren't single and there are times when i'm glad i'm single. i'm learning to enjoy where i am and what i have right now. i've made my wishes and i believe they'll come true when they need to.
 
If it's any consolation, guys, those of us who are married can feel just as lonely and isolated. Though it's really nice to have someone who sticks by your side, it's been my experience that my relationship issues didn't end when I said, "I Do." I still have a basic mistrust of people, and ashamed to admit it, there are things that I feel inside that I don't feel comfortable sharing with ANYONE - including the one person I know would never hurt me.
The one thing that I DID learn when I was still single was that the more I looked for someone to come along, the less likely it was going to happen. It's one of those paradoxes in life.
However, the minute that I started to focus on myself, getting healthy and learning to be comfortable with me, was the time that I was taken totally by surprise and had someone dropped right in my lap.
I think that the most important thing for us to understand is that we need to be accepting and happy with ourselves -- strengths AND weaknesses. I think the internal struggles will be a whole lot less whether we are single OR married. Just my opinion....

Sophiesdad
 
I am so alone. The abuse and other things have made it very hard to trust and open up. And when things go wrong, I fall back into hating myself for not being good enough yet again. It hurts. I am so tired of not being good enough.

I could have women, of a sort. But I would never be with a girl/woman(whatever the correct term is these days) just because I am horny and lonely. I do not want to use anybody for sex. I had it done to me and I would rather die than use another the same. There is one at work I could very easily have sex with. I must follow my convictions, not my pecker. Plus it would only satisfy one urge and not my empty heart.

I had a girlfriend last year. Then it all came crashing down. I was just not good enough. I would just once like my prayers to be answered. I am so sick of this emptiness. Why let me think my prayers had finally been answered? I keep going, but hope seems so foreign a concept now. Hope hurts.

All this from my abuse. I would love to have some justice. She took away my every joy and hope of good things. All I have now is porn. That is so sad and it sickens me. Is that all I can ever have? Goodness seems denied me. If I could get ahold of my abuser at this moment, I would probably do some things I would later regret.

I don't know if it helps you, but know that you are not alone. I pray you can know some goodness in your life. No man should be forced to live this way.
 
Ptc, yeah, I give up on girlfriends, I used to get so attached, then it all goes pear shaped.
I cant afford to be hurt like that, or hurt them, and touch issues cause a lot of the damage.
I am scared of touching anybody, or them touching me, I suppose I relate touch to being hurt.
I call it self betrayal, because that is what it is.
In love, relationships, or proffessional life, it has just damaged these things beyond repair, and for the boy who thought he could fix anything, he finds it much harder to fix himself,

ste
 
I just lifted this little bit from another poster, hope he dont mind,

More from the workbook I'm going through, "The Wounded Heart: Hope For Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse"... "The sexually abused person often carries contempt as an antidote to the bite of pleasure. The first stirring of aliveness or passion in contact with another feels like a venom that may take both parties into a destructive spiral of lust or revenge. ... The past abuse - drowned in a sea of denial or ever-present as a living nightmare - threatens to overwhelm the victim if he relaxes his vigil and lets down his defenses." Wow....dead center. The book closely associates contempt with shame, saying that in order to avoid shame we often turn to contempt. "I'm ashamed of myself so I hate (have contempt for) myself."
Click to expand...
Just thought this book might be worth investing in,

ste
 
parttimecop,

I hear that. It seems acting out in some way is all I have, and that is so desolate and barren I can't stand it. I know there's something better, but I just can't connect with it yet. I'm just not there.


reality2k4,

I have that book. It's a tough read, but a very useful book. I have a hard time calling it a good book, since I felt the good doc smack me in the face a couple times while I was reading it. But I recommend it to anyone on here.
 
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