I hate being gay!

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I hate being gay!

For two days I have wanted to post here, but I couldn't. It's bad enough to have to face the abuse, but here is a whole other ball of wax.

I know that some of the people who read this are those who have helped me in the last couple of days, but I am terrified that this will make them hate me.

I never wanted to be gay. I always thought that it was because I was just searching for a guy to love me. Maybe subconciously looking for "him" again.

Straight men have told me I'm gay because I liked what he did to me. For God's sake, I was three when it started and eight when it ended. I'm not the greatest with biology, but sexual desire was not even a possiblilty at that age.

Then throw religion into the mix and I am totally f****d! So now God hates me and I hate me for what I am. Add that to the nightmares about the abuse and you have one lethal cocktail.

Today I feel strong enough to talk about this. Tomorrow I don't know.

The worst part about this whole thing is that if I don't disclose, I feel like I'm lying and if I do, anything I say will be misconstrued.

I care about all the guys that have helped me here. But I am afraid if I say that openly, they will think it is a come-on.

I just want to be able to be open and honest about how I feel and not be afraid that any man, straight or gay, will not believe the sincerety of the caring.

God I ramble!

Marc
 
Hi Marc,

So much of what you've said sounds like an echo of things I too have said at different times in my life. Really, who in their right mind would "want" to be something that is so hated. But keep in mind that other people hate what they don't understand and are intimidated by. And truly, God doesn't hate us but many of the people who purport to represent Him do.

Gay is a name given to how people like us love, not how we hurt others! When the man who abused me said he cared for me that was a lie. His intention was to trick me. When you tell any of us that you care for or about us, that for me feels wonderful because I trust your intention. I trust that you mean what you say. And try not to let too much of what others say impact on who you really are. Whether you are gay, straight or bi is for "you" to discover and grow to celebrate as the gift it is. Remember, if every gay person stopped working for a week, the most wonderful things in life would all but cease to exist from the best in the arts, to food, to clothing, to flowers, to beauty of every kind.

This discussion board is here to talk about who we are, what we feel, what confuses us and what we need help with. I applaud your courage. Keep coming back.

Taz
 
Marc there is no descrimination here at all. I dont care if you are green,have three heads and eat raw fish. You are a survivor and that is enough for me. You trusted us and that is huge for us. Do not ever feel that anyone thinks less of you for anything at all. We see a man struggling to heal and for that you are our brother.
 
I've understood how you feel in the past.. Still do sometimes, in fact.. Thankfully not often, but when i'm depressed, usually. I think you'll have to learn that loathing yourself for something that is how you really "are" about things like attraction, love, sex, etc, is not a good thing in your life. As for religon, can't say much here.. I used to be a christian, but i haven't prayed or gone to church and actually felt good about being there for almost three years now.. So i guess i can honestly say i've been an agnostic for three years now.

Please love and accept yourself though...
 
Marc,

NEVER EVER HATE YOURSELF FOR WHAT YOU ARE!

No matter what your sexuality, you are a great, good man worthy of love and being loved. That someone made that horrible comment about liking the abuse, well, they're of a small mind who believes that people can be "made" gay. Their opinion doesn't matter.

I'm dealing with sexuality issues BECAUSE I was abused just before puberty. I would be what I am without the abuse, but it's taken me YEARS to even ADDRESS the problem, which is that my sexual abuse screwed up my normal sexual development.

There is NOTHING wrong with you. NOTHING!

Whatever you are, we accept and suuport you. Have no fear of that.

You are a good man regardless of your sexuality, which, when you think about it, is such a small part of who you are.

Peace and love, Marc, and love yourself. You're worth it! :)

Scot
 
I think that s'xual orientation labels are a problem for anyone but especially for male survivors.

I don't think that many are abolutely at one end of the scale or the other for their entire lives. That doesn't necessarily mean that they switch back and forth between men and women but can mean that they feel uncomfortable even dishonest having to choose one or the other.

Case in point: Your friends saying because you physically responded to what was done to you or you "liked" it that that makes you one thing or the other. A lie.

I know now that I got into the relationship I am in now because I was looking for the thing that the abuse took away from me and looking for someone to at least echo the role my perps played.

I have often hated being g'y and often just not liked it. I have never liked it. I don't want either label. On top of that, religion and government condemn or at least marginalize me.

Be honest. Be frank. I for one will value that from you.
 
Hello So_Cal Marc,

I hear you about the frustrations. I certainly went through a lot of confusion teasing out the whole abuse from the gay issue. It was hard but it's something that I now accept and am in fact speaking out about. Only a couple years ago, I was repressing everything, and now, I am in a great, committed, Christian relationship. It's great now, though there are still those discriminatory things here and there. Still, it's not like we're the first to be in this position (remember that in the 50's surveys showed that only 4% or so were for interracial marriages--and now it's something like 80%--you'll still have your bigots here and there). Right now, gay marriages are significantly higher and if you lump gay unions OR gay marriages, we already have a majority. So, hang in there...other people have done it before. Btw, if you need "affirming" churches (and there is a growing number of mainline denominations out there...here's a good website that may help you). Later..

https://www.christianlesbians.com/congregations/
 
Hi Marc and all,

Marc you are new here so you may not know me like the old timers. I am a Roman Catholic Priest and a survivor. I hope being a priest is not a put down for you, or any of the new men here at MS.

One thing I have learned after 40 years of ministry is that God is perfectly capable of talking for God. People, when trying to speak for God, make collosal errors and often enough heresy. So like ABCD says, you can be an excellent committed Christian and be in a wonderful relationship and there is no contradiction there for God, in fact I think God leads us to the right people to be our good friends and who love us faithfully.

It seems to me the sexual orientation comes from God and is a part of what makes one to be who they are. I am heterosexual. I was raped many, many times by a male who was my scout leader--his attacks were very vicious as well as demeaning. But a sexual action that is an assault is as far from the same act as an expression of love as anyone could imagine. It is the betrayal, the violation and the abuse of power that makes all the difference in my mind.

Peace for me has come from accepting a whole lot of things in life that I have found very difficult. I am not happy to be old and limited now, not able to see and hear as well as I did, it makes me angry that I can't tie my shoe anymore because of arthritis, I resent losing my youth, I resent all of the abusers that harmed me; but I can't change that I was harmed. I am angry as can be that I am bald and have been since about age 24 or 25. I wish I had had a different physique, I despise being fat--both because I do not like it and because the weight causes even more pain to my aching joints, blah, blah, blah.

Accepting ourselves as we are, knowing that we may have some character defects to work on, and that we may need to start to care for our health earlier rather than later, learning to erase those evil sick tapes that try to keep running in our minds and replacing them with the truth--this is difficult, but it leads to a great deal of peace. It also leads to being really happy to be exactly who you are, knowing that you will continue to grow and develop and become an ever better person as everyone else tries to do.

I am saddened that some clergy and my own Church makes hurtful statements about that which they know nothing. But I won't apologise for their ignorance--I will chastise them for it though.

Peace men--enjoy life--it gets shorter day by day!!!!!

Bob
 
Hi Marc, and congratulations on coming out to yourself!
Gay is fine. God made us gay. There were great evolutionary advantages to having a large proportion of a species be gay. All animal species have significant gay populations. Haters hate, and some of them choose to hate gays, or Jewish people, or blacks, or some other category, and mostly out of fear.

When I came out to myself, I realized HOORAY! Now I could believe in my long-standing sexual attraction for men! And now I can love myself fully. Every time I feel attracted to a man, it affirms who I am.

A wise straight teenager said to me once, hey, if someone is anti-gay, then you know you don't want anything to do with them.

Find a supportive environment and supportive groups. NYC even has Catholic Churches devoted to gays/lesbians, and lots of other churches and synagogues too. Support is there, Marc. The life may be more difficult, but it is really worth finding a happy place.

JeffNYC
 
One other thing,

Since I'm still trying to figure out ("thanks" again to all my abusers! :mad: ) my sexuality, I'm not sure if this has any value to this discussion, but here goes.

Anyone who knows ANYTHING about my abuse history should see one thing. Even though my abuser wasn't gay, but some selfish p***k and, and my rapist wasn't gay either, just some Goddamn rapist, since the acts were sexual and male-to-male, I should have EVERY reason to hate gay people.

But I don't.

Being gay doesn't make you a bad person, despite the views of some close minded @$$hole$ who are so insecure in who they are they need to tear down other people. Being gay doesn't make you anathema. Being gay doesn't make a person anything negative.

Being gay is being gay. Like being black, or enjoying reading, or being left-handed.

Being gay is cool. As is being straight. As is being bi-sexual.

No one should hate who they are. No one should be hated because of what they're born with.

When, and if, I fall in love with a man, it'll be alright, because it's love. There's nothing wrong with love, no matter who you do.

Sorry if I'm ranting. I thought it needed to be said.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
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