I had to read "A Child Called It"

[nursemanda25]

That was very difficult for me...
I didn't have choice, it was required for one of my nursing classes.
I read it in 2 hours, and now have a paper to write. I just want to get it over with so that I don't have to dwell on it for the next month.
The chapter entitled "The Lord's Prayer" was the hardest for me to get through.
As I was reading about this child's emotional numbness, I KNEW I was reading my husband; seeing my husband's emotions as a child. I'm sure if I ask him about some paragraphs, he would say, yes, that it was like that - that is why he is numb now, why he can't CRY now.
I cried so hard and just held on to him last night as I drifted off to sleep.
I don't know if this is a good insight or not. It hurts my heart that anyone could treat a child in such a manner. It hurts me to my very core that my husband, who I see still as being so very innocent in so many ways (very much childlike), has lived his life numb to emotions, completely cold and closed off to the world.
How utterly sad it is that a child must numb himself and wall himself off from the world in order to survive.
Some parts of this book were very difficult for me to get through because we are dealing with my husband's csa.

 

[roadrunner]

nursemanda,

Dave Pelzer's story is harrowing, that's for sure, and when I read that book it had a haunting effect on me. I was just beginning to come out of denial and I couldn't understand why this book was so compelling for me. Now of course I know.

What Dave describes, without saying so in so many words, are the defense mechanisms that a boy has when he is confronted with terrible danger and denial of his worth as a child. I think you will find that a lot of the guys here had similar experiences. In my case, when an episode of abuse would start I would look for something on the wall that I could concentrate on, a picture or poster usually. Then I would pretend I was "going" to that picture, and from there I would crawl to a corner of the ceiling and curl up there and close my eyes. That way I didn't have to see what was happening to the boy in the room below me. Somehow he wasn't me.

That kind of "going away" is called dissociation, and what this and other devices illustrate is how defenseless kids are when they had to endure abuse. And it's not just the physical violation; the emotional devastation is just as bad and perhaps worse. In Dave Pelzer's book you would certainly have seen a lot of how your husband felt when things were happening to him: things like the feelings you are worthless, that you are unimportant and unlovable, that all this will never stop, and that you are powerless to do anything about it.

There's a real dilemma here for survivors, or at least there has been for me. I often feel that those close to me will never and can never really understand what was done to me or how it affected me. I feel sometimes like I am "alone in a crowd" or as a great friend of mine put it here once, "walking in an empty town". That's a pretty bad feeling. But on the other hand I'm not sure I would ever want anyone I love to get close enough to this kind of thing to understand how I feel. In a way I want to spare them that.

The middle ground, I think, is knowing that those around me care and WANT to understand, and I think that your husband will pick up on this from you. I hope it will help the both of you.

Much love,
Larry

 

[friendofseveral]

I've read this book too, along with its two sequels, and was very outraged by the first, then encouraged by the last, where he showed his triumph over this experience. My buddy Dale read it too, but when he talked to me, his 'reach out', he mentioned that his life was a lot like that. No matter the cause, this is a truly devastating matter, and many of the criminal penalties need to be strengthened. If ever there was a crime demanding the death penalty, sexual abuse is it.
Now, there are many other stories of encouragement out there too, along with a couple of even more violent books. All you have to do is hit the library, cue up their electronic catalog and search with either 'sexual abuse' or 'child sexual abuse', and you'll get a bunch of different titles. Some are fiction, others are not, but the ones with themes of triumph are the best, especially to encourage a survivor to come to grips that they are not alone.
I hope that Dale soon gets on here, because he has many anger issues with which to deal, and since he asked me for assistance, I feel the need to do everything I can for him. However, I am also aware that I can't be an enabler, and once he even thanked me for being firm on matters which had I not, would have enabled him to continue with his mopey, 'I'm just not good enough' attitude.
I do appreciate that he confided in me about his life, but I was totally ignorant about such issues. That's when I started getting strange looks from the librarians, because I'm checking out books that I hope have the answers, and they've probably never seen them, except when the library acquired said literature.
So, there are several books that I can think of which will help illustrate the problem, as well as offer encouragement to those in such a situation.
"Victims No Longer"-- Mike Lew
"Trying to Get Some Dignity"-- Richard Rhodes
"Forgiving Sam" (I don't remember who its by, and it is fiction, but covers issues very well.)
"The Insiders" was a bizzarre and violent tale, much more violent than either "Sleepers" or "A Child Called IT", both of which I've read. I don't normally have physical reactions to things I read, but both Sleepers and The Insiders caused such.
Again I ask the question. Why can't these CRIMINALS be drawn and quartered?