i had to live in the past - to argue my cases

[markgreyblue]

i had to live in the past -

to argue my defense case -
legalisisms
and convenient characterisations to hide their
stabs and hurtful intent -

but
the past is the past

and i expect nothing from the past

but a drag backwards -

i really want to make it work

and i fight forward to get what i want - from life -

 

[markgreyblue]

and so to want something i needed to argue the right to speak it -

i retreated into the world of art -

a fairy land upstairs a safe retreat -
denial is self protective until which time
that you are able to start to deal with it all-

or have to -

i had a tendency to think on things focused very
wholey on the project at hand - achieving full
accomplishment of it -

but the madness of it was the transition - from

deep thought back to the common reality of here i am in the here and now -

shifting gears is not easy - or at least

until i realized that in a sense - there are
foci to daily tasks -

i cannot do the whole of life's focuses each day
it is too much -

so today in the morning the focus was on strategy for searching and getting lost some - in thought -

i reached tallsteve and talked to him about it
and in expressing my confusion out came the understanding that steve affirmed - yes that is part of life!

and so - i got up from that to get more done -

i looked around and realized - gosh - i haven't been taking care of things around here - as well as i could -

i realized the foci - so issuing for myself - that not in psychological desperation was i cleaning the house - or making it neater - cleaner - sanitary -

i was just focusing on an important part of life -

i noticed as i cleaned - need for more products to take care - and also gosh my hair needs a cutting -

i went out - got the hair cut -

chatted with philip my hairdresser -

and went the the PharmMax and bought my things -

came back put stuff away - and put that laundry on that lingered - and folded the dryer's load -

i came up here to the office -

some what dragged back to the past and posted -

but i am sharing now - what happened -

ttyl

 

[markgreyblue]

sorry i do not finish my sentences -

searching for work i wanted to write -

and getting lost some in thought -

lol

sorry folks

also - when i looked in the mirror too -

the stress of late has really affected my

body - i have not grown fat - a little bit heavier or not as fit -

i have been eating not so good things -

and also not working out as much -

so that will be say - tomorrow ams focus -

ttyl

mark