i guess its over....

i guess its over....
S

sarahsmilezz

New Registrant
First of all, I would like to thank everyone who responded to my posts. It was much appreciated.

I havent talked to my friend/companion in a week. Ever since he told me of his abuse, it has been down hill from there. He talked to me the first couple days. Then he hasnt talked to me since. Its actually been a week today. I really dont know how to feel. In a way, I feel kind of numb. But also its an open wound that I am trying to deal with. I am really starting to believe that everything we had and have been building in the past three years is a lie. I am not saying its a waste, cause its not. It taught me lessons too. But everything he ever told me and made me believe, I feel like is a lie. Everything he always said he wasnt, and wouldnt do is a lie. He has proven to me this past week, that he can just turn me off, and walk away. Like its nothing to him. I guess I just have to keep working on things within me.

Any advice someone would like to give will be greatly appreciated. I need it right now.

I will be fine. One thing that I know to be a fact, is..........LIFE GOES ON...and ITS ONLY GOING TO MAKE ME STRONG.

with love and respect for all of you...
 
Dear Sarahsmilezz,

Hello! I know this scenario very well. To this day I do not know exactly what it means. But that is the nature of this beast - you have to accept that what most of the world considers "normal", is not in SA survivor world, especially at first. It is almost like you have to learn a whole new language just to get by day to day. Most of the time your past experiences with relationships will not apply, unless it was with another SA survivor.

I have learned though, that often the silences are brought about by confusion, shame, guilt, etc. They do not necessarily mean the end, just a long break to regroup. It took me a while to understand that I am watching is a grown man trying to grow up a major part of him that was hidden/protected for a long time.

I have seen the shock of trying to face the shock of the past without giving in to the urge to run away and hide in the old patterns and behaviors. Most of the time they no longer work, but they are easy and comfortable (practice makes perfect, after all). It takes a while to develop new habits. It is hard when you have to deal with confusion, shame, guilt, insecurity, etc. Sometimes that (running away)too still happens.

I hope you stick by him at least a while longer. He may have created a fantasy in the past to cope with SA. So, if he lied to you, he probably had lied to himself first and then passed it on to you. Now, it may all be crumbling around him. It must be scary for him.

He may think that you deserve better than him and he is doing you a favor by staying away. And since it sounds like he cares about you, it must be shameful to think that he has disappointed you.

In the meantime, TAKE CARE OF YOUSSELF.

I hope this helps. If you would like to "chat" more, please email me at [email protected].

Hang in there. If you have seen great things in him over the past few years, they are still there. There are usually wonderfull people underneath all that mess. They are worth sticking by and fighting for.

I believe that they have been disappointed too often and abandoned in the past, the least we can do is not add to that burden and let them know that we are in their corner.

Best wishes, Lodzia.
 
Sarah & Freedom

I read this and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have learned though, that often the silences are brought about by confusion, shame, guilt, etc. They do not necessarily mean the end, just a long break to regroup. It took me a while to understand that I am watching is a grown man trying to grow up a major part of him that was hidden/protected for a long time.

I have seen the shock of trying to face the shock of the past without giving in to the urge to run away and hide in the old patterns and behaviors. Most of the time they no longer work, but they are easy and comfortable (practice makes perfect, after all). It takes a while to develop new habits. It is hard when you have to deal with confusion, shame, guilt, insecurity, etc. Sometimes that (running away)too still happens.
Click to expand...
What more could I say, other than it takes so much time to get beyond this, and even then it's still there. All we learn to do is deal with it, it never goes away.

Lloydy
 
Lloydy,

When you say:

I read this and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Click to expand...
What do you mean? The reason I am asking is because I have learned to be careful not to assume that the words I hear/see mean what I might think they do. I have learned that in the SA world there are meanings and shades thereof that may not correspond to the mainstream understanding. So I have learned to ask.

Hope you do not mind.

Thanks, Freedom.
 
Freedom
I don't mind at all, when I read that quote in your post it was the best description of the way I behaved I had read. And from my unprofessional experience I think a lot of other guys would recognise a lot if not all of it in themselves.

Needing the silence to regroup my thoughts - I still do that, confusion reigns in my head some days and it only needs a bit of a pissed of feeling to start it. I was waiting in the hospital today for an appointment that was over an hour late and by the time I got to the doctor I was a wreck. I had to think very slowly and methodically.
And a few years back when I was at my worst I was like that constantly. My wife describes the sudden appearence of the vacant thousand yard stare and my stuttering as like watching someone having their brain switched off, I guess it was ?

Running back to the old behaviours is something else that still happens very occasionally, and as you say they lose their effectiveness, but it's there imprinted in our minds.
And we know it used to give us comfort and get us through the day - why doesn't it still work we ask ? We don't want it to work, but again if we're pissed off with something it's what we used to do - retreat into our own little limbo.
Now we've got a new set of reasons to retreat, we're losing the guilt and shame slowly, but the crap of everyday life we've avoided for so long suddenly confronts us - well it did me anyway.
Where do I go for comfort now ?

As part of our recovery we must learn to adapt our triggers that made us seek comfort to point us to the right kind of comfort.

I've re read your whole post and it's wonderful, some guy is very lucky to have someone so understanding helping him.
The man you describe sounds so like me in some ways, and I know I wouldn't be where I am now without my wife and her unflinching support and love.
It's what helps make us survivors.

Lloydy
 
Well I guess its not over. He is talking to me again. I guess he just needed his space and time to marinate on things. That is the process I am learning. I am trying to learn to give him and other people thier space. And whether I think about it at the time, I do the same thing. I take time to myself to think and marinate on things. But then I get upset when someone does that to me. I learned that sometimes you have to mentally take yourself out of the situation, and look at it from the outside in. Or take yourself and put yourself in the other persons shoes. I know that is hard to do when you are hurt and upset. But if you do that you get a better perspective on the situation.

And another lesson I learned is to not jump to conclusions. Its hard not to do especially for me. All my life I have had negativity. And so I was molded into always thinking negative about everything and every situation. It was like kinda preparing myself for the bad that in my head I thought was going to come. And I know still today I do that. But I am trying real hard to do away with the negative, and think positive about everything even if its hard to do. And it is, since I have been like this for 26 years. But I can do it.

Thank you Freedom and Lloydy for responding. And giving me your input on things. I deeply appreciate it. I truly enjoy this website, and everyone who posts on it. I find this place peaceful, positive, and a blessing to me. And I need that.

So Thank You. :)
 
Sarah
that's great to hear, I'm sure he's going to make progress with your support.

Thanks
Lloydy :)
 
Sarah - That is great! I am glad you decided to hang in there.

Lloydy - Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. You are a terrific man.

Have a great weekend all, Freedom.
 
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