General Thoughts to Share I got in touch with my T, finally

[raffa_will_fight]

After the comment I left on a survivor’s story (https://forum.malesurvivor.org/threads/therapy-revelations.87526/post-678658) I had a hard time processing what is happening to me. Writing out thoughts that were hidden with consistency and energy dispense, thoughts that probably could help to give another view on the whole of my picture, felt unsettling. And I didn’t know what should have been the next step to take.
I am great at avoiding, forgetting, dissociating. But this time it’s just not working. I felt good during work, lost it in the evening. Didn’t sleep more than a few hours at night.
Add to this that I had another flashback about an already remembered abuse, a detail that I had lost. I will write another post about that one, hoping to get some of you to share and hoping it triggers some emotional response in me.

FEELING was and is my greatest issue in therapy. My last and current T was great to not only explain it to me as simple as possible, but also didn’t in any way try to make me feel weird about it. He also explained, though, that remember a feeling during an abuse while talking about it helps to elaborate.
So yesterday I called him. I am grateful he accepts my not always “professional” way to contact him, sometimes calling, sometimes writing an email. I explained how writing helps me get a thought out with a little more structure. All these things together had us make steps forward I didn’t make with others.
I told him about this site, explained how I use it (reading a lot of stories and comments) to “find” triggers and possibly get flashbacks or emotional reactions. As well as the positive feeling writing out things, sharing stories, and seeing that (sadly) many understand what I feel/think. He doesn’t like my obsessive way to be on here, but also knows that everything that feels good or that I like becomes an obsession. We will work on that in a later moment because right now it could help me stick to exploring my memory and work on it. Obviously he’d prefer talking about it in T face to face. For now I do not feel ready to do that. So he supports this journey I try to make with other survivors on my side, possibly giving me the right input and push to get back in his studio. He knows that I know what would be better, logically speaking, but also that I function only if I instinctively feel that its time to approach the topic face to face.

The fear still is there though. I still try to block those memories out. I still resist to discover what might come out.

 

[LittleSteve]

My therapist also caution me about using sites like this, and I think she did make several good points, some people can come to see this as a replacement for therapy. Also depending upon the site and how well it’s rotten and so on and how well it’s moderated you can get exposed to a lot of negative stuff like for example Reddit I’ve seen some of the stuff Reddit and it’s not a safe place or it’s not a good place to be. I think also there’s a concern on the therapist part about getting advice or ideas that may not align with your specific situation.

I think the part they missed though is it also can create a sense of camaraderie, a sense of belonging, a sense of I’m not the only one. In some ways I looked at this is more like a group setting rather than an individual one on one.

The other thing two is this is a place to be heard and that’s something that a therapist and someways replicates, but because it’s a professional relationship, it doesn’t carry the same weight as being heard by your brothers that have gone through similar things.

In fact, even blacken reminded me once about spending a lot of time on here when I mentioned it, so yes, you can overspend your time here you can get overly focused on this, and also it can become a diversion against your own healing by focusing on other people rather than on yourself.

So there are some valid concerns, it’s up to you to learn to manage that just like anything else in your daily life.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

Thank you for your reply. And I see it exactly as you do.

Generally I over analyze everything due to issues to get in touch with my emotions. This helps my to first get some order in my head, and the needed distance (for now) to not get overwhelmed. The memories and flashbacks are strong, and I am not in the right moment (also because of family and work) to feel all of them.

But even my T recognized the possibilities opening up to someone who knows what you feel. The steps made forward with my memory issues are even more then expected.
I try to be very VERY honest with myself right now. So I detect when reading through posts is me looking for triggers or any bodily reaction, hence working on my abuses, or when it’s starting to get avoidant.

I have seen the first psychiatrist at 10, and tens of different psychologist for the last 35 years. I came constantly to a point I closed off, didn’t get my brain to collaborate or simply felt not heard or misunderstood.
I know “experimenting” this approach has it’s risks, but i constantly see the value for my journey of MS and you guys.
If I do or say something stupid or offensive or to forward or wrong, please tell me. My fingers are sometimes quicker than my brain.

I was on Reddit, but didn’t quite figure out how it works. I guess it would transform myself in an easy target when opening up with the wrong people.

 

[LittleSteve]

About red at you’re actually right, the reason this place is what it is is because of the month moderators and their work and because they were survivor so they understand. Reddit is completely really uncontrolled and probably not a very safe place for people like us.