I give up

I give up
Sorry to bring this up again but I just got back and read through all the replies here...

Yeah, I agree with everything you're all saying... I know what they say and how they trick you into asking for it, feeling like it's your fault, thanking them... all that.

Maybe I'm being stubborn about it here... I just feel that I had a choice to make and I made the wrong one. I mean it's not like he groomed me first and then tried something sexual, it all happened the very first time.

Yes, ok, his timing was perfect, I had just got a beating from my father and was alone, scared, feeling bad... that's when he came in to "comfort" me. Did a little more than comfort me. But somewhere in there he asked me if I wanted him to do this... even said he'd stop if I didn't want him to.

I said... "Yes"
The rest is history

Jay
 
Jay,

beating yourself up is no answer is it!
Think of the timing of the perp who did it.
They sought kids like us, who were down and
feeling bad.

I had one perp follow me for years, and wish I had the strength to think the cops would act on what a little kid told them, but I didnt, and thought his word would go against mine.

Even though I tracked him down to two addresses, one with boys visiting frequently, and the perps 'friends' coming and going.

The neighbours never shopped him, even though it stuck out like a sore thumb.
That was the 70s though, when you just got told off for abusing boys.

If an adult does things like that to a kid, its the adults responsibility for assaulting you.
It does not matter one tiny bit if you liked it, it was the adult who initiated it, and the body and mind can get used to a trait.

It is no more than luring you into a trap, and one that is going to upset your whole child and adult life.

Everybody in here has some form of guilt complex from abuse, but believe me, none of it was YOUR Fault,

ste
 
Ste...
Thanks, and no, beating myself up is no answer to this... I'd much rather have someone else do it for me :)
 
Jay,

the perp 'conditioned you' into thinking it was some sort of 'love'.
It is a trap, because you are only an animal, and animals can be conditioned.

When I say animal, I dont mean it in the sense of the word, but rather to say that you reacted to stimulation which he provided be co-ercing you into it.

Example; If I was a 'rent boy' looking for paid sex with men, then who would be at fault?
It would not be me, even though I touted for sex.
It would be the the man who paid me to do it.

The man who sought sex with a child would be seen as responsible for the cycle of abuse in society.
Nobody would make movies if there was no market, and the music industry would not survive without the money they get to produce it.

The example paragraph says it all. I am now at say 11yo into the cycle of abuse because somebody took me against my will, and I was acting out sexually without going through puberty.

My mind is stuck into a mode were I expect men to do these things, and not only the dodgy old man, but all men.

I could have been a minesweeper for any perp in any neighbourhood, because acting out is subconscious and it is a trait.

You will get through,

ste
 
jay do you really think it would have made him stop if you had said no? lots of kids who said no ended up begging for it just to stop the beatings that can be the result of saying no. i said no i got the shit kicked out of me and still got molested anyway ,would have been safer to just go along . bottom line is the age difference is so big that a kid dont stand a chance against an adult he made you think you had a choice but you really didnt ,thats part of their game making it look like you had a way out but none of us really did. shadow
 
Shadow, good question.
I don't really know if it would have made him stop if I said "no". My head tells me that yes he probably would have only because he was good at playing that game.. he would have continued to pursue it I'm sure. My gut tells me that he would have just talked me into it, coerced me or continued to condition me like Ste said.

It's confusing to me because I keep getting stuck somewhere in-between the abuse from my uncle which as it turns out was planned/manipulative/calculated, etc... and the assault four years ago which was just flat out violent. That assault, right I said no and got the fuck beat out of me for it, got raped anyway. But my uncle... I just don't know.

The 21 year old me is rational and knows he just played with my mind and brainwashed me, etc. The kid me... I guess he's still convinced that the guy actually cared about me.
 
well maybe in his twisted mind he did ,but not as a person just as an object to be used for his own pleasure.well you were not just some toy for him to play with you were a person ,just a kid with all kinds of questions and he provided answers ,but not to help you only to lure you in . one thing those bastards do is make the kids care about them ,but not cause he wants you for a friend ,its way harder for a kid to tell on someone he knows and likes.they make kids love them ,they become your best friend just a way to be sure you keep quiet,shit how could a kid tell on his only friend? they also try to keep you isolated so that they are the only friend you have if he was nice to you its only to keep you quiet but how can a kid ever be expected to see the true motive behind what they do.none of it was your fault dude ,none of it .is it wrong for a kid to like somebody ,hell no thats all your guilty of ,having a good heart that was breaking ,thats what he saw ,just a target ,dude he so took advantage of you shadow
 
Thanks for saying that to me Shadow.

Truth fucking hurts... but thanks, I needed to read it. I know he took advantage of me and I know he lied to me for his own selfish reasons. Not only did he hurt me then but he ultimately set me up for years of hurt after he was done with me.

Damn I miss him sometimes... how freaking crazy is that?!?!
 
hi Jaysen

I've been out of touch - but I am seeing your post

and wanted to just say Hi.

I hope the winds of hope and a nice moment

a twinkle of something happy - or pretty

or just a good thing

came by to distract -

and keep you knowing

good times - good moments happen

:)

you deserve better -

and look at you!!!

coming here to heal!!!

you're making that good stuff you deserve
on the track to coming true!

day by day!

way to go bud!!!

(((jaysen)))


!!!
pax - mark
 
accidental double entry - *
 
Hey Mark... Mr. Accidental Double Entry guy...
Thanks! That was a nice distraction indeed! Now I feel all warm and fuzzy :D
 
fuzzy wuzzy wuz a bear

fuzzy wuzzy had no hair

fuzzy wuzzy wasn't fuzzy

wuz he?

:)

(((jaysen)))
!
 
Shadow and Jaysen,

When you talk about missing the abuser or being tempted to believe that at some level he cared about you, that reminds me so much of how I felt when I was 14 and the man who was abusing me got chased off. At first I didn't understand that it really was over, and when I figured that out I felt even worse than I had when I was being abused. I thought I had been abandoned and rejected, and I kept wondering "What's wrong with me?" and "Why has he turned his back on me?" And I felt this way even though, when I WAS being abused, I felt absolutely terrified and ashamed.

I think all this just shows how devastated a boy is by the abuse he is enduring. After all, as a child he needs and cherishes attention, and considering how messed up he is, he just doesn't understand anymore that THIS is not the kind of attention he needs. In my case I think I felt so worthless that it finally made the abuse somehow seem "acceptable"; I just didn't think I was worth any better treatment than that.

I don't know if this rings true with you two, but the point is that you should not think you are screwed up because you have thoughts like this. It really IS very common among young survivors. And like other feelings, it's important to talk about it and get it out into the light of day instead of hiding it and blaming yourself for it. By talking about these things we come to understand them, and as we understand them better their ability to hurt us is weakened.

Much love,
Larry
 
no no -

he is fine.

he is still warm and his name is fuzzy.
 
Okay Mark, if you say so then I believe you!

Larry - I hear what you're saying.

I never got mad at him or blamed him after he left, I blamed my folks for making him leave. I felt like they took him away from me, then all I had left was the old man and I simply could not deal with him by myself. So of course I went right out looking for other guys like Kenny and unfortunately I found them. Like you said, the abuse seemed acceptable and it seemed normal too.
 
Relating to how you missed someone who abused you, is not uncommon given the circumstances.
You, were a kid, and maybe he made you laugh and bought you stuff.

He took it one step further, by relating your mind and body, and it is nothing shorter than emotional blackmail.

Confused :confused: Who wouldnt be.
It confused the hell out of me, and it came at a time when you were growing up in the World, so he took away your own exploration of natural sexual relationships.

At 14yo, I was totally confused about whether I was gay, or hetero, but I loved women, and would love men if they never hurt.

A normal 14yo, would be much more well equipped to deal with these feelings, and I know I am not putting my point across with how I think.

The reason is, that I am only speaking from experiencing what others have said in the past, on the 'consensual' side. Oh yes, it might feel good, and you go back for more, but that is not your fault, it is those who lead you astray.

Perps have many quests, and when they get enough of one, they move on to new pastures and abuse more kids, who would not tell because they thought they would be seen as complicit.

If you re-enter the child adult thing, then you would never have reported this to the cops.
You would have thought! Oh, I will be seen as a boy whore!

That is the child mindset on this matter, and the other thing to think about is the embarrassment that follows disclosure.

Confused :confused:
Not when you dig deep enough into the silence,

ste
 
Jaysen & Adam,

None of us choose to be abused. When it happened though we were faced with some choices. I could have told my molester "NO" and he might have stopped or I could be dead. At that point I made the best choice a little nine or ten year old could make.

In hindsight, I could have made better choices than the ones I did, like going to his apartment because he bought me ice cream and gave me money. It's easy to see it now as an adult, from the knowledge I've gained through the years.
But even now as an adult, I have to make the best decisions I can based on what I know.

My little kid made the best choices he could. He made his best decision at a time when he was scared, confused and alone with this sicko.

I can say this with my head but my heart has got to forgive this kid for his innocent errors and release him from the blame and shame he doesn't deserve.

Sunny
 
***** possible triggers *****

Sunny,

I want to emphasize something you say in your last post here:

In hindsight, I could have made better choices than the ones I did, like going to his apartment because he bought me ice cream and gave me money. It's easy to see it now as an adult, from the knowledge I've gained through the years.
Click to expand...
The things we see so clearly now, as adults, were not in our view as boys, and indeed could not have been in our view. An innocence, naive defenseless boy simply does not have the resources to make the kind of decisions or discover the alternatives that seem so obvious to us now.

I can illustrate with my own case. The first time I was abused I was sent upstairs to bring something from my friend's room, not knowing that his father was only sending me up there with the idea of following me. When I turned around, there he was in his underwear telling me to take down my trousers. As an adult I can see that I could have told him no, or I could have run past him. But that's me thinking at age 57. As an 11-year-old boy I just froze. I was afraid and I didn't understand why I was supposed to do this. But he was an adult, a friend of my family, a church elder, and a leader in my Scout troop. So I cried and trembled and already felt ashamed, but I did as I was told.

I think the basic point is this. If a boy doesn't know he has a choice then in fact that choice doesn't exist for him. And even if he does see possibilities to escape or end things, these alternatives (such as telling safe adults) often involve such trauma that he cannot possibly opt for them. It's not a child's fault if he cannot think of or do what is necessary to defeat a predator.

Much love,
Larry
 
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