i found my tears

[shadowkid]

if i am taking up too much space with my problems somebody please let me know ok? at 2 45 pm today i found my tears ,at the gravsite of my grandmother but the tears were selfish ,not for my grandmother but for me ,the only person who ever cared is gone ,and i'm crying because my family abandoned me ,because i got hurt so bad inside and out ,because i lived in foster care hell for 6 years i cried because i had lost my only connection to my life before my abuse .i cried because i'm a little boy inside who was taught not to feel or care.i wanted to cry for her,she was the one who mattered here not me .i cried in front of the people who call themselves my family like a weak little boy .i wanted to face them and be strong ,why after 10 years did i have to cry now!they were lined up on one side of the grave ,i was alone on the other ,my abuser stood not 5 feet away staring at me the whole time ,i just wanted to crawl into the grave with my grandmother .feels like i been raped all over again by them mentaly they should have never let him around me . will i ever stop crying? my eyes burn my throat hurts, is there so much sad inside me ?i wanted my tears to make me fell better ,instead i just feel weak shadow

 

[Rivers]

Shadow,
I'm old enough to be your father, I simply can not understand it. You are so valuable... I look at it as if your parents and family don't deserve to have a treasure like you in there lives. Showing your tears today was a sign of strength not weakness... You cried for all the right reasons!! Don't ever doubt that. Your Gran would be so proud of you - as am I! Shadow, you may feel like a ghost and that your future may be grim... but I truly believe you have a bright future ahead of you with joy and peace and fulfillment. I believe in you, my friend - you are going to make it and your life will one day be envied by all your abusers. I am sending you hugs and more hugs...

Deep Sympathy, Rivers

 

[Derdlecar]

You, Shadow, are strong. Your Gran was strong and wise, she new who she could trust, that's why she chose you to handle her will. She left alot of strength to you. The fact that you cried in front of the perp is a reflection of your strength. It is also a reflection on his poor teaching ability. It in no way reflectes anything bad about you. The very thought that he could teach any body any thing by such behavior is crazy. I can't think of anyplace better for you to find your tears. The reason you cried doesent really matter here. My guess is now that you found your tears you will cry for her too, when the time is right.

Bear hugs to you my friend

Darrel

 

[shadowkid]

darrel,i'm glad to hear from you things been going too fast i hoped you still would talk to me ,man i want so bad to tell my dad and family how i feel about thenm ,since they came here i may not get another chance ,just don't know if i got the guts .they will freak when they read the will ,it's like they have no idea how much they hurt me ,i want them to feel bad but i don't think they ever will .man there was a lot of tears stuck in me i'm worn out from sobbing ,was it me crying or the little boy inside me ? i don't know ,he really needs to cry it out . i can't get why my family don't feel guilty ? adam

 

[Derdlecar]

Adam,

I really like your name, but I will probably think of you as shadow for quite a while.

You've "got the guts" I know you do. However, I don't know that telling them how you feel would do any good other than letting you blow off steam. Sounds like dealing with everything you will have to just to take care of Gran's will might only be made more complicated if you talk to much right now.

If you need to rant, go to the unmoderated forum and blow off all the steam you want. I will read and reply because you are valuable to me.

The advice I give is only that. I am not an expert, I cannot see the whole picture from this side of the forum. So you think about and make your own decision. My thoughts are with you.

And congratulations on the tears. Just let'em flow bro, you'll feel much better and be stronger for it.

Hang in ther Adam, you are loved.

Darrel

 

[roadrunner]

Adam,

I am so very proud of you. You have come through hell, and now, only a few days after your arrival, you do it again. Your grandmother would be proud of you too.

Your tears aren't selfish tears at all. It is natural for a man to weep when he loses a loved one. He isn't just weeping for his own loss, he is weeping for the relationship and the person he had it with. You will always have those memories.

Adam, don't try to figure it all out at once or demand answers in a day. I know you have been through a lot, but give Shadow a break. You will get through this, of that I am sure. But it does take time. You will find safe people to support you, and I hope you know and believe how much we care here.

Much love,
Larry

 

[RICK57]

Shadow - they are not selfish tears. You say they are only for yourself, yet you say that 'the only person who ever cared is gone'. To me that sounds very much like you are mourning someone that you loved, and who loved you. Let the tears fall - they help to release the pain.

I vowed as a 12 year old never to cry for, or, because of anyone again in my whole life (1969).
I kept that vow until a couple of years ago - when I broke it, it was a major release of stored up pain. The only exception was when my dog died when I was 19, but nobody saw my tears.

Best wishes ...Rik

 

[WalkingSouth]

Adam, (I like your name)

You have been through so much, with still more to go from the sound of it when the will is read, etc.

The tears were a GOOD thing, Shadow. It doesn't matter why you were crying. I have come to the conclusion that if tears are there, they need to be cried. It lets out the emotion that is bottled up inside, and that is good not bad. Selfish? I don't thing so, Bro. Like others have said, you were crying for the relationship that was lost. That's not selfish.

I think you know by now that there are a whole bunch of men here of varried age who care deeply about you and what you are going through. Men who want you to be happy and safe. The happiness WILL come, Adam. One day sometime in the future it will suddenly dawn on you that the pain has diminished, that there's a smile on your face, that the birds are singing and the sun is shining.

When that day comes let us know so we can celebrate with you, because come it will. You are a winner, my friend.

Love you Bro,

(((((((((((((((Adam)))))))))))))))

John