I found him (Triggers)
I went to my therapy/counseling appointment last night. It was the first session since having a flashback that revealed to me that my perp had raped me. I opened up the session by showing her the drawings I have made, including the ones of THE ROOM and THE HOUSE.
There was another drawing that I started out as a father hugging his son. That's what I wanted it to be. But instead it turned into my perp and me. It was almost like I was in some sort of trance when I drew it, because I didn't recognize what it was until it was almost done.
As we talked about them, I became increasingly anxious to the point of tearing up, and then I told her about the nightmare and the flashback. As the session went on, she kept asking me what I was feeling. Ordinarily this kind of question is annoying to me, but not this time. This time I really started searching for the right emotion to fit.
At first I couldn't find the right word. Anger, pain, betrayal, vengeance, fear, sadness... all of those were present, but it wasn't quite right.
We talked some more about the boy that I was, and how I was looking back at him and what had happened through 33 year old eyes and experiences, and how that was totally unfair to him and myself. He was only 10! And what that monster did to him - a helpless child...
It was then I could finally put a name to what I was feeling; a name that encompassed all the emotions coursing through me at that moment: GRIEF. I am greiving what happened to that little boy.
The therapist then had me do something that I found less than helpful at the time. She had me repeat a few phrases, such as, "You're safe now," and "He can't hurt you any more," in exactly those words, as though speaking to another person. I didn't understand it at the time, but she insisted, so I did as she wanted just to move on.
Later that night, laying in bed, I found myself in tears again, grieving the child that I was. I turned onto my side and spied one of my kids' stuffed animals, a medium sized panda bear, and pulled it to me, and as I continued to cry, I found myself stroking the panda as though it were a small child, telling him, "You're safe now. He can't hurt you any more. I have you." Together we cried ourselves to sleep.
Either today or tomorrow, we plan on going out to a toy store or a teddy bear factory and find "Little D", so that when we're scared or hurt or feel sad, or don't feel safe, we have something we can hold tight.
Thank you all. Without you... This would not be possible. Thank you from both of us.
D & d
[Edited for that Freaking CHECKBOX]
There was another drawing that I started out as a father hugging his son. That's what I wanted it to be. But instead it turned into my perp and me. It was almost like I was in some sort of trance when I drew it, because I didn't recognize what it was until it was almost done.
As we talked about them, I became increasingly anxious to the point of tearing up, and then I told her about the nightmare and the flashback. As the session went on, she kept asking me what I was feeling. Ordinarily this kind of question is annoying to me, but not this time. This time I really started searching for the right emotion to fit.
At first I couldn't find the right word. Anger, pain, betrayal, vengeance, fear, sadness... all of those were present, but it wasn't quite right.
We talked some more about the boy that I was, and how I was looking back at him and what had happened through 33 year old eyes and experiences, and how that was totally unfair to him and myself. He was only 10! And what that monster did to him - a helpless child...
It was then I could finally put a name to what I was feeling; a name that encompassed all the emotions coursing through me at that moment: GRIEF. I am greiving what happened to that little boy.
The therapist then had me do something that I found less than helpful at the time. She had me repeat a few phrases, such as, "You're safe now," and "He can't hurt you any more," in exactly those words, as though speaking to another person. I didn't understand it at the time, but she insisted, so I did as she wanted just to move on.
Later that night, laying in bed, I found myself in tears again, grieving the child that I was. I turned onto my side and spied one of my kids' stuffed animals, a medium sized panda bear, and pulled it to me, and as I continued to cry, I found myself stroking the panda as though it were a small child, telling him, "You're safe now. He can't hurt you any more. I have you." Together we cried ourselves to sleep.
Either today or tomorrow, we plan on going out to a toy store or a teddy bear factory and find "Little D", so that when we're scared or hurt or feel sad, or don't feel safe, we have something we can hold tight.
Thank you all. Without you... This would not be possible. Thank you from both of us.
D & d
[Edited for that Freaking CHECKBOX]
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