I finally told my wife about this site
Grunty1967b
Registrant
I disclosed my sexual abuse to my wife 16 years ago before we got married and she was understanding and didnt hold it against me, but after that we never talked about it again. I supposed she thought that it was all in the past and to be honest, I thought so too.
Several years later, I came across a book on sexual abuse survivors, read it, identified with some of it and then worked through a couple of issues. Again I told my wife, received her support and after an enduring effort of 1 week, concluded that EVERYTHING was now TOTALLY FIXED FOREVER. Wrong!
Fast track to now, 10 years later and I stumbled across this site. It blew my world apart when I realised that I had only scratched the surface of my recovery. This time I fully understood the impact of my abuse and basically, Ive done all that I can these last few months to not totally fall apart emotionally. Ive felt like my head is in a spin dryer, Im emotional most of the time and on the verge of bursting out crying (in the office thankyou very much). That is not normally me Im Mr Rock Solid Emotions. Normally.
So my point to this post is that Ive not been able to bring myself to tell my wife about this site, my involvement in it or what Im learning about myself and how screwed up Ive been feeling. That may sound strange, but as Ive seen it lately my WHOLE world has become unstuck and Im seeing how this has affected so much of my life (if not all of it) and I also have feelings of weakness that I should need or want what this site has to offer.
Because of all of this I havent told her. Ive felt that if she REALY knew what was going on inside of me and how I was feeling and how much it had affected my life that she would not understand, would freak out and want me to stop any involvement. None of that is true though.
I told her on the weekend and she was brilliant. We talked for close to three hours. I also read your post FTGF on your similar breakthrough. Congratulations to you too!
I eased in slowly by showing her a male CSA book Id just read and told her how I felt very impacted by it and how I saw my abuse still had major effects on my life. She seemed fine with that so I then told her about this site and the chat rooms and the boards. She was so thrilled for me that I had found a support network for myself, with people (like all of you reading this thankyou so much) who understood, accepted and supported me.
She did not think of me as weak at all, but was glad that I had come to this place of realising its impact on myself and was proud of me for facing it and wanting to get better. I also told her of my efforts and apprehension in finding a T. Im from Australia and in our country we have a culture that you should be strong enough to not need a T ever. For anybody to want one is a sign of weakness. So for me to come to a place of wanting one and to express that to another fellow Australian (even though she is my wife) is also a big step. Again she was fully supportive and hoped I could find one quickly. I do too and Im in the process of doing that thanks Ken Singer!
So, I told the person closest to me, she didnt reject me, she believed me, she loves me and she wants me to get better. I told her of my difficulty on opening up emotionally and she also longs for the day that I can do that for myself (and secondarily, to her too).
I suppose what really sealed this awesome time of disclosure was that I apologised to her that she got stuck with a husband with so much damage and failings (at present). She said she was not disappointed at all, loved me entirely for who I am right now and looks forward to seeing me become a better, more whole person.
And no, shes mine no one else gets her! Thankyou everybody for your continued support and for being you. Everybody who has ever replied means so much to me and everybody else who hasnt (yet), as Ive read your posts (that I also havent always replied to as I dont always have anything to add) I also say thankyou. Every post here is powerful and meaningful.
...Bruce
Several years later, I came across a book on sexual abuse survivors, read it, identified with some of it and then worked through a couple of issues. Again I told my wife, received her support and after an enduring effort of 1 week, concluded that EVERYTHING was now TOTALLY FIXED FOREVER. Wrong!
Fast track to now, 10 years later and I stumbled across this site. It blew my world apart when I realised that I had only scratched the surface of my recovery. This time I fully understood the impact of my abuse and basically, Ive done all that I can these last few months to not totally fall apart emotionally. Ive felt like my head is in a spin dryer, Im emotional most of the time and on the verge of bursting out crying (in the office thankyou very much). That is not normally me Im Mr Rock Solid Emotions. Normally.
So my point to this post is that Ive not been able to bring myself to tell my wife about this site, my involvement in it or what Im learning about myself and how screwed up Ive been feeling. That may sound strange, but as Ive seen it lately my WHOLE world has become unstuck and Im seeing how this has affected so much of my life (if not all of it) and I also have feelings of weakness that I should need or want what this site has to offer.
Because of all of this I havent told her. Ive felt that if she REALY knew what was going on inside of me and how I was feeling and how much it had affected my life that she would not understand, would freak out and want me to stop any involvement. None of that is true though.
I told her on the weekend and she was brilliant. We talked for close to three hours. I also read your post FTGF on your similar breakthrough. Congratulations to you too!
I eased in slowly by showing her a male CSA book Id just read and told her how I felt very impacted by it and how I saw my abuse still had major effects on my life. She seemed fine with that so I then told her about this site and the chat rooms and the boards. She was so thrilled for me that I had found a support network for myself, with people (like all of you reading this thankyou so much) who understood, accepted and supported me.
She did not think of me as weak at all, but was glad that I had come to this place of realising its impact on myself and was proud of me for facing it and wanting to get better. I also told her of my efforts and apprehension in finding a T. Im from Australia and in our country we have a culture that you should be strong enough to not need a T ever. For anybody to want one is a sign of weakness. So for me to come to a place of wanting one and to express that to another fellow Australian (even though she is my wife) is also a big step. Again she was fully supportive and hoped I could find one quickly. I do too and Im in the process of doing that thanks Ken Singer!
So, I told the person closest to me, she didnt reject me, she believed me, she loves me and she wants me to get better. I told her of my difficulty on opening up emotionally and she also longs for the day that I can do that for myself (and secondarily, to her too).
I suppose what really sealed this awesome time of disclosure was that I apologised to her that she got stuck with a husband with so much damage and failings (at present). She said she was not disappointed at all, loved me entirely for who I am right now and looks forward to seeing me become a better, more whole person.
And no, shes mine no one else gets her! Thankyou everybody for your continued support and for being you. Everybody who has ever replied means so much to me and everybody else who hasnt (yet), as Ive read your posts (that I also havent always replied to as I dont always have anything to add) I also say thankyou. Every post here is powerful and meaningful.
...Bruce
