I fell.... very, very hard.
This weekend was the worst of my life. The absolute worst. It started on Friday night with a lie to my wife that I was going to visit a friend who has just returned from overseas. I wasn't going there, I was going to another friends place to do drugs. I had planned on being home at around midnight, so she wouldn't know and everything would be fine. I'd be able to escape for a bit and she wouldn't know any different. No one gets hurt.
I went there, started doing drugs, and didn't stop until about 3pm the following day. All night and morning long I was hopping around places in my city that are ideal for doing drugs (after hours). I was by myself from about 2:30am on. Just doing more and more, waiting to feel 100% of nothing.
I met up with a guy, who was quite overtly gay. He seemed like a cool guy, and I was hoping to learn some things... about myself. I don't have issues around my sexuality... I don't battle that. I just have feelings of what happened... and not understanding it all. I'm just trying to close that all.
So, after I did a lot more drugs, I went to his house. With another one of his gay friends, and another straight man. It was a horrible time. The straight person was constantly hiding cryptic messages in the random things he was saying. Pretty much, he was saying "This guys not gay, why doesn't he do something. You can't just lead somebody who's so fucked up... on and on."
He had my number, I didn't want to be there. But it was a punishment and a closure. Me and the guy went to the store where we were able to talk to each other and he basically put it out there, whether I had ever had a gay experience. I told him the truth, not by choice.
Surprising, this didn't deter him. He was pretty messed as well, so on the way back to his place, he forced a kiss on me. And bam... BAM... I was there again. I was right back there, in that place. That horrible place where I'm just defenseless and letting something happen. And it felt exactly how it felt then, unnatural and very uncomfortable.
I wanted this to happen. My plan was to get as messed up as I could, go through the abuse one last time so I knew I hadn't made it all up... and then end this madness.
I'm still here. I don't know how or why. But I'm still here. I've gone to my cousins place, where he's willing to support me through this. I can't see the future right now, I feel very empty inside and it really does feel like I just can't do it. But I must, life must be better than death. I must look forward. I must grab on to the things that I can and say, please... please help me... because I can't do it myself. I want to do it myself so bad, but I know I can't. First step, drug conselling.
Every single day for as long as I can possible remember, I have been afraid. I confronted that fear one last time... and it's still there. I'm tired of being scared. Lord help me with this all, I have to keep it simply to succeed.
- jd
I went there, started doing drugs, and didn't stop until about 3pm the following day. All night and morning long I was hopping around places in my city that are ideal for doing drugs (after hours). I was by myself from about 2:30am on. Just doing more and more, waiting to feel 100% of nothing.
I met up with a guy, who was quite overtly gay. He seemed like a cool guy, and I was hoping to learn some things... about myself. I don't have issues around my sexuality... I don't battle that. I just have feelings of what happened... and not understanding it all. I'm just trying to close that all.
So, after I did a lot more drugs, I went to his house. With another one of his gay friends, and another straight man. It was a horrible time. The straight person was constantly hiding cryptic messages in the random things he was saying. Pretty much, he was saying "This guys not gay, why doesn't he do something. You can't just lead somebody who's so fucked up... on and on."
He had my number, I didn't want to be there. But it was a punishment and a closure. Me and the guy went to the store where we were able to talk to each other and he basically put it out there, whether I had ever had a gay experience. I told him the truth, not by choice.
Surprising, this didn't deter him. He was pretty messed as well, so on the way back to his place, he forced a kiss on me. And bam... BAM... I was there again. I was right back there, in that place. That horrible place where I'm just defenseless and letting something happen. And it felt exactly how it felt then, unnatural and very uncomfortable.
I wanted this to happen. My plan was to get as messed up as I could, go through the abuse one last time so I knew I hadn't made it all up... and then end this madness.
I'm still here. I don't know how or why. But I'm still here. I've gone to my cousins place, where he's willing to support me through this. I can't see the future right now, I feel very empty inside and it really does feel like I just can't do it. But I must, life must be better than death. I must look forward. I must grab on to the things that I can and say, please... please help me... because I can't do it myself. I want to do it myself so bad, but I know I can't. First step, drug conselling.
Every single day for as long as I can possible remember, I have been afraid. I confronted that fear one last time... and it's still there. I'm tired of being scared. Lord help me with this all, I have to keep it simply to succeed.
- jd
